


Whiskey Soaked and Reckless

by baileyrhapsody



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Daddy Kink, F/F, Incest, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn, Underage Sex, Waverly is 16
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-06-29 05:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15723126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baileyrhapsody/pseuds/baileyrhapsody
Summary: All her friends are falling for boys with wry smiles but try as she might, Waverly can't begin to understand what the fall is like when her feelings are constant, steady, and consuming.





	1. Heaven is a place on Earth with you

**Author's Note:**

> This tag is super dead despite all of the potential behind the relationship and I'm not sure why there is such a visceral dislike of the ship. 
> 
> Maybe because attention has been brought to it? The incest ships in most fandoms are relatively ignored so I was genuinely baffled to find out that there were so many people who are not only aware of Wynonna/Waverly but are also so openly against it. 
> 
> That being said, I adore the relationship between the girls not only as sisters but also more, clearly, which is why I'm here. 
> 
> There's an edge of unhealthy codependence to their relationship that I'd like to explore. Tagged appropriately so it doesn't show up in the WayHaught section...hopefully? Though Waverly is still tagged so...
> 
> Apologies to any fans who don't want to see this ship, my bad fam. 
> 
> Any feedback would be appreciated, truly.

**x**

Waverly wakes from the sound of glass breaking. She blinks, slowly lifting her head as she looks towards the door. Her ears perk up when she hears muffled voices. After wiping her eyes, she sits up and swings her legs over the side of the bed. Waverly grabs her stuffed bear before standing.

She creeps over to the other side of her room and carefully opens the door, mindful of the creaking noise it often makes. 

As she steps outside, Waverly recognizes the voices as she grow closer. She stops, hesitates, already feeling weary. She knows better than anyone how volatile her Aunt Gus and big sister Wynonna can be when they are arguing. 

Pushing through the anxiety, she walks over to the winding stairway and sits. Waverly grips her bear as she leans into the nook beside her.

"You are a plague on this household, Wynonna.  Selfish, unreasonable-"

Waverly jumps when her sister cuts in, her words as sharp as an blade. "Bitchy, condescending," Wynonna drops a finger with each insult she lists off, "oh yeah, can't forget my personal fave,  _broken._ You know, you don't have to go through the entire spiel, Gus, I memorized it after the fourth time."

"If you would just do as your told I wouldn't have to say it again." Gus sniffs. "How many times do you expect us to bail you out? You're lucky it was Officer Nedley who found you tonight and not one of the other boys."

"Nedley can eat a dick along with the rest of those dumbass  _I'm still chasing my High School glory days_ sacks of shit we call a police force."

" _Wynonna!_

Sensing that the situation is about to escalate, Waverly stands and heads further down the stairs until they both come into view. Her presence goes unnoticed as she as watches them face off against one another. She opens her mouth to interrupt but falters when blue eyes flick over to her. The shake of Wynonna's head is almost imperceptible but is enough to give Waverly pause.

_Maybe not so unnoticed then._ Waverly thinks with a frown.

Wynonna sighs. "Look, it's whatever." she run a hand through her hair, frustrated. "I'm packing up my shit like you so nicely asked. All my stuff will be gone by the end of the week."

"I don't want you coming back after tonight, Wynonna _._ "

Waverly tenses at the prospect of not seeing Wynonna again. A 'no' gets caught in her throat as her hold on her bear loosens. She want to run towards her sister but her legs feel like lead. 

She hadn't realized how bad things had gotten. Between a visit to the psychiatric ward and two stints at juvie, Wynonna had been in and out of their lives for years. Though she was technically still living with her seventh foster family, Wynonna would still come over to visit Waverly and sometimes would end up staying over. 

The most Gus had been willing to offer was a spot on the couch. When their aunt and uncle went to bed, Waverly would sneak downstairs and drag Wynonna upstairs so they could sleep together.  At first Wynonna had been reluctant but had conceded once Waverly said she felt safer with her near. 

Things had been fine until summer vacation. The lack of structure that came from school left Wynonna to her own devices. Waverly had not seen her much lately but when she had, she had noticed the wild look in her sister's eyes. Could see how agitated and restless Wynonna was. Like a caged animal that had just been released into the wild. 

The sound of Wynonna's empty chuckle pulls Waverly from the memory. She stares at her sister, pained. 

"So that's it?" 

Waverly can tell she's trying to appear unaffected but Wynonna can't quite keep the hurt out of her voice. 

Wynonna frowns and glances her way, gaze contemplative, soft. "Fine," she shifts her attention back to Gus, "but you can't stop me from seeing Waverly." 

Gus rubs her temples with both hands. "Do you even know how your behavior is affecting your sister-"

All vulnerability disappears as Wynonna's expression twists into one of anger. "Do  _not_ use that as a way to justify not letting me see her." she practically hisses the words. "It's shitty enough that you've kept us apart for this long."

"I'm doing this  _for_ Waverly, Wynonna." 

Waverly bites her lip, a silent protest.  

"Can't you tell how much she is suffering from the weight of your actions? You get into fights at school, you're constantly in trouble with the law, you reek of whiskey most nights and you think I don't know about the  _countless_ men you've slept with? For Christs sake, Wynonna," Gus throws her hands up, exasperated. "you're a member of a  _gang_ _._ " 

Wynonna rolls her eyes a little. "I mean, okay, yeah, those are some fairly solid points." she huffs, scratches the side of her head. "But she's my sister, Gus." 

"Well, I'm sorry to say this but your sister deserves better, Wynonna. Better than this, better than  _you._  You're not good for herand the last thing I want is for Waverly to be sullied by your, your-" Gus motions towards her, disgust brimming in her voice, "your  _mess._ " 

It takes a moment for Wynonna to respond but when she does, her laugh is full of contempt. "Ohh, you are so full of it." there is something vile burgeoning in Wynonna's tone, something that makes Waverly tense and curl into herself.

"You know what  _really_ fucks a kid up?" Wynonna starts, voice low,  _bitter._ "When you have their older sister dragged out the door  _kicking_  and  _screaming_ by a bunch of strangers in the night." she rocks back on her heels and gestures around the room. "Kind of reminiscent to how their other older sister was kidnapped and murdered, don't you think?"

Waverly lowers her gaze. 

"God, you never liked me, Aunt Gus.  _Hated_  when Uncle Curtis would stick up for me. Wouldn't even let him drop me off at the facility." Wynonna pauses before her lips curve into a spiteful smile. "But I think I get it. Afraid your husband might have wanted to take me for another kind of ride, huh?" she asks with a mocking lilt to her voice.

Waverly flinches, covers her ears as a slap sounds in the air. 

It takes a moment for Gus to respond.

"You are the  _worst_ of your parents, Wynonna." The words are spoken with so much animosity that even Wynonna recoils. "Your daddy's alcoholism mixed with your mama's crazy." Gus hand shakes as she raises her finger and points it towards the door. "Now, you get out of my house and don't you  _ever_ come back."

Wynonna kicks over a chair as she leaves.

**x**

It's dark. Waverly sits on her bed, clutching her bear to her chest. It's been days since she's left her room for anything other than a meal and a bath. Curtis tries to get her to smile but he gets nothing more than a slight upturn of lips. She avoids Gus completely.

Wynonna hasn't been back and Waverly has no way of contacting her. She's reminded of all the times her sister has been taken away from her and feels -

Anger.   

A packed bag sits in the corner of the room. She wants to run but has no idea where she would go. Where Wynonna would go. She's terrified, lonely. The ache is almost unbearable. 

It hurts more thinking that Wynonna may not feel the same. Why else wouldn't Wynonna come back for her? 

Maybe these feelings are all her own. Maybe they're not as shared as she thought they were. Maybe, maybe...

She's pulled from her reveries when she hears a thwack. Waverly blinks, frowns, looks towards her window. She inclines her head forward and waits. 

_Thwack_

Waverly crawls over to the other side of her bed and leans against the edge. Stares before shifting back when she sees a shadowy figure outside. She freezes, ready to call for help when the figure calls her name.

" _Waves, open up._ " 

Tension eases from her body. She scrambles off the bed and to her windowsill, drawing the shuttering glass up in one fell swoop. She's tugs the figure forward into an embrace. 

"Woah, there, babygirl." Wynonna chuckles. She holds onto the windowsill with one hand and pats Waverly's back with the other. "At least let me get inside first."

Reluctantly, Waverly pulls back and helps her sister into the room. Grasps at her arm and hand tightly, as if she's afraid Wynonna will disappear. 

Wynonna wipes the dirt off her knees and settles back against the ledge, inhales and finds her arms full again. 

A shudder passes through Waverly as she buries her face in her sisters chest. She's so relieved. The idea of going years without seeing Wynonna again- she can't bear the thought. Waverly clings to Wynonna's shirt out of desperation and necessity. 

"Ah, man, Wave." Wynonna sighs as she looks up to the ceiling and pulls Waverly's closer. "You know I hate it when you cry."

Waverly draws back to glare at her. "Stop making me cry then, stupid."

A wry smirk edges Wynonna's mouth. "Don't call me stupid, cutie." she responds with a flick of her finger. "Going to make me think you didn't miss me." she drags her thumb over the red mark on Waverly's forehead down until she's cupping her cheek. "And that would suck considering how much I missed you."

"You  _are_ stupid." Waverly eyes close at the feeling of Wynonna wiping away her tears. "of course I missed you," her breath hitches. "So much." her fingers curl deeper into the fabric of Wynonna's shirt. " _So_  much."

She feels a kiss pressed against her hair before Wynonna pulls away completely. Hands fall on her shoulders and squeeze.  

"Waverly, look at me."

Waverly does.

The affection Wynonna regards her with makes her feel warm but the emotion is stifled when she notices how tired her older sister looks. How sad. 

Wynonna moves her mouth but doesn't speak. As if she's testing the words out on her tongue first. She bites her lip. "I don't know when I'll be able to visit again."

A fresh wave of tears sting at Waverly's eyes but she doesn't let them fall. She's reserved as she keeps her gazed fixed on Wynonna's.

"I need you to be a good girl for me while I'm gone." Wynonna smiles then, a slight shake of her head. "Who am I kidding, you're the most well behaved 10 year old there is." 

"How long?" Waverly can't quite keep the quiver out of her voice when she asks. 

A grimace passes over Wynona's face. "Wave, you heard Gus, she's not-" she falters and then swallows, considers her words carefully . "You know I'll always do my best to see you." Wynonna looks around the room, notes the toys that line the desks, all new, no hand me downs held together with patches of cloth and sew. Waverly has her own bed, much bigger than the one at the homestead. More than their parents could have given her. 

Wynonna buries the thought and clears her throat. "You have a chance at a normal life now, here with Gus and Curtis. That's all that matters to me."

"But what about you?"

Wynonna makes herself grin. "I can look after myself, kiddo. But only if I know that you're safe and happy."

"I don't want normal if it means a life without you," Waverly mumbles despondently, knowing deep down it didn't matter what she wanted. She was starkly aware of the reality of the situation. "People have been telling me things about you since I was 8, Wynonna. None of that has ever mattered to me. You're what makes me feel safe and happy."  Her head starts to dip but Wynonna catches her chin. 

Blue eyes peer at her thoughtfully.

"You really mean that?"

Waverly's brows furrow.

Of  _course_ she does.

She nods, slow but deliberate. 

"Yes."

Wynonna's grin softens into a wistful smile. "God, I love you." 

The words cause Waverly's throat to tighten with emotion. She sniffs, unable to stop the tears from falling any longer and wipes at the side of face, feeling frustrated with herself. 

Always crying. Wynonna must think she's such a baby. "This sucks." 

"I know, babe." Wynonna laughs a little and looks away, rubs the back of her neck like she always does when she's at a loss for words. "Listen, I got you something."

Wynonna slides her hand into her back pocket and produces a phone. It's the same model as the one Wynonna caries.

Hesitantly, Waverly reaches out to take it. 

"We can keep in touch now," Wynonna licks her lips. "I can't promise I'll always be able to answer right away but you can still text me," she smiles, shrugs a shoulder, "call me. Tell me about how things are going in school, if anyone is bothering you or if you need anything..." 

The sentence trails off. 

Gus had said she was too young to have a phone.

Waverly holds it close to her chest.

Wynonna sits, pats the spot next to her. Drapes an arm around Waverly's shoulder after she slides down onto the floor and buries herself into Wynonna's side. 

They take comfort in each others company for long moments. After some time, Wynonna bends to kiss the side of Waverly's head before attempting to stand. Waverly's grip loosens until she lets her hands fall away completely. She stares up at Wynonna dejectedly. 

"Make sure Gus and Curtis don't find it." Wynonna cautions before fondly ruffling Waverly's hair. She places her hands on the sill of the window, ready to depart when Waverly reaches up to tug on the back of her shirt. Wynonna looks down at her with a raised brow. 

Waverly bites her lip. "I love you too, Wynonna."

Affection softens Wynonna's face. She pivots on her foot and drops back down in front of her to cup the back of Waverly's neck.

Wynonna inhales deeply, "One day, I'll have enough money to get us out of here, Wave." her nails press in, not enough so that it hurts but so Waverly can feel the weight of it. So Waverly will pay close attention. Like Wynonna wants her to feel the depth her words "and when I do, I'll take good care of you, babygirl, I'll give you anything you want." Wynonna tips forward to press their foreheads together. "Just remember that I will always,  _always,_ come back for you. I promise."

There's a determination brimming in Wynonna's tone that wasn't there before. Waverly smiles at Wynonna reverently and brushes her fingers against's her cheek. "Okay, Wyn."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

**x**

**x**

**x**

They see each other sporadically. 

Wynonna makes sure no one is around when they're together. She goes up to Waverly's school and talks to her behind bushes, in alleys, far off in the parking lot. Waverly notes the bruises and black eyes and catalogs them, neatly packs them in her mind so that she'll never forget. 

They hold hands as Waverly gives rushed recounts of her days. Wynonna never shares hers.  

**x**

Wynonna texts her jokes to cheer her up when she's sad. Waverly texts Wynonna reminders to do her homework. She makes sure to punctuate each message with an 'I miss you'

It's not enough but its something.

**x**

When Wynonna turns 18, Waverly sneaks out.   They go to the outskirts of town on a banged up motorcycle Waverly isn't sure is Wynonna's. She doesn't care. 

Waverly lays out a blanket and places tupperware filled with potato salad and sandwiches. She tells Wynonna she wants to learn how to cook, so she can bring her something good to eat sometimes. So she can take care of her. 

Wynonna's smile is sad but her arms are warm when they close around her. 

**x**

One morning she hears Gus and Curtis speak in hushed whispers, something that is only done when they're talking about Wynonna. Waverly registers the surprise in Curtis's tone when he says Wynonna is going to graduate high school. She notices Gus dismiss the accomplishment with a wave of her hand. 

Waverly hates them a little for that. 

She tells them she wants to go to Wynonna's graduation. They're both reluctant but eventually agree to take her. 

Waverly would've gone either way.

**x**

When the ceremony is over, she rushes over to hug Wynonna as tight as her arms can squeeze and tells her she's proud of her. Does nothing to hide the awe in her voice as she tells Wynonna she's her hero. 

Wynonna hands Waverly her diploma and deposits the cap lopsided on her head with a kiss. 

Curtis hugs Wynonna from the side, clumsy but heartfelt. Gus extends an invitation for dinner back at their place. Wynonna agrees, but Waverly can tell she's wary about it. 

Wynonna scowls until they're alone in Wynonna's car and Waverly is curled into her side like she belongs there, murmuring "I love you's" into the skin of her neck.

**x**

Waverly convinces Curtis to let her cook so she can show off. Wynonna watches her in amusement and hums in appreciation when Waverly lets her taste the food early. 

After dinner, Waverly drags her upstairs despite Gus's protests.

Their fingers lace together as they sit side by side on Waverly's bed and talk for hours until finally there's no more tears and they fall asleep, wrapped tightly around each other.

Wynonna is on the first bus out of Purgatory before the sun rises.

**x**

Wynonna visits infrequently and at random. She's shown up on a Friday night in June, a Thursday morning in August, a Wednesday evening in October. 

Waverly notices that though Wynonna is still guarded, she smiles much easier now. Can tell that Wynonna is at least trying to be happy which is enough to make Waverly bite her tongue every time she wants to plead with Wynonna not to go.

After everything she's lost and had to endure, her sister deserves a bit of peace. Even if it means being away from Purgatory, away from  _her._

Wynonna never stays long enough for Waverly to stop missing her but she tries her best to remain positive and airy to help ease the guilt that Waverly still sees lingering in blue eyes whenever Wynonna packs up to leave again _._

**x**

**x**

**x**

They keep in touch -

\- until they don't.


	2. We're biting our nails, you're biting my lip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - A World Alone by Lorde

**x**

Waverly is 15 when she first seriously considers what it'd be like to have sex.

She hears the older girls on the cheer squad talk about it, annoyance edging their tones as they discuss how pushy their boyfriends can be. 

One girl says sex can be a tool, used to get your way. Another says it hurts too much for that. 

They all giggle and tell her it's not real if it doesn't hurt a little.

It's mentioned again when she's 16. It's the first time it's brought up in relation to her having it. It happens at the lunch table, friends on either side and across her. 

Rachel tells them how she lost her virginity to Ben on the swim team. Leans forward as she speaks, voice low as she teases how long Ben's fingers are, mentions how they snuck away after swim practice and "did it" under the school bleachers. 

Boring, a cliché.

Waverly chews slowly on her food as she listens, nods along at every "ooh" and "ahh." Administers the appropriate amount of enthusiasm at every detail Rachel drops. The conversation is intriguing but embarrassing. 

"What about you, Waves?"

The attention shifts towards her. Waverly's face grows warm under the curious, probing gazes of her friends. 

The most she has done is touch herself, softly, carefully. More out of curiosity than anything. Never to completion, never with anyone in mind. She's the only one who has never had a boyfriend.

She takes another bite of her grilled chicken and swallows. 

"I don't, well, I'm not-" she licks her lips. "I want to wait?" 

Sonja giggles. "You don't sound too sure there, Wave." she bumps her shoulder into hers. "Why don't you go out with one of the  _many_ guys who've asked you out?" she gives her a coy smile. "People are going to start to wonder. You don't want anyone to think you're weird, do you?"

Waverly's returns her smile stiffly.  "There aren't any boys I'm interested in." she says quietly as she pokes at her chicken, appetite waning.

Stephanie hums, bemused. "Oh, leave her alone, Sonj." she dips her french fry in ketchup and takes a bite. "Waverly's more likely to hump a textbook than a guy. Probably wouldn't even let a boy touch her."

That wasn't true. At homecoming last year, Nick Taylor kissed her after dropping her off at home. She made out with James Mason at Rachel's party a few months ago. Stephanie knew that. They all did. 

Laughter sounds around her anyway. Waverly glances down, shame tightening her chest. A hand comes to rest on her thigh before it sets in. From the corner of her eye she sees Chrissy give her a slight smile. 

"I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting, Steph." Chrissy interjects kindly. "Didn't you say you regret your first time?"

Stephanie flushes at that. "That was  _before_ ," she answers defensively. She throws a fry at Chrissy. "I have my sights set on Tim Walsh now. I mean, have you  _seen_ him with his shirt off? So hot. Definitely want to take him for a ride."

"Maybe  _I_ will." Sonja grins around the twizzler that dangles from her mouth. "Bobby's starting to pack on the pounds in the middle. I know you called 'dibs', Steph, but you may have to share this one."

The two girls glare at each other before they both break into a fit of giggles.

"You guys are the worst." Rachel laughs.

 Waverly is happy the attention is off her at the moment. She squeezes the palm on her thigh and gives Chrissy a smile of thanks. Chrissy blows a kiss and removes her hand.  

The subject changes but Waverly doesn't join in the conversation.

It's not like she hadn't thought about it before. Going on dates. Sharing Ice Cream Sundays at the local parlour, trips to the county fair, introductions to Gus and Curtis.  All of these visions featuring a faceless, nameless form, waiting to be filled in. 

A boyfriend would be nice. 

She makes a mental note to add the idea to her planner.

~~_Friends_ ~~

_~~~~Good Grades~~ ~~ _

_~~Cheer Squad~~ _

_Boyfriend...?_

It was the next logical step. It hadn't been easy to escape the lingering wreckage from Wynonna's time at Purgatory High but she had done it and she wanted to keep in the good graces of everyone.

People liked her. Thought she was pretty, smart, dependable. 

Malleable.  

So much better than her destructive older sister. 

The good Earp. 

Waverly looks down at her hands with a frown, hating how empty the 'accomplishment' makes her feel.

**x**

It's 3:10PM. Class had ended only five minutes ago but Waverly doesn't linger. She gives her friends hurried goodbyes before rushing out of the building. The cold air cools her flushed skin. She's barely out the door when her steps falter. 

A crowd of students are gathered around, whispering to one another with pointed fingers. Waverly follows their stares with furrowed brows.

She blinks. Rubs her eyes. Blinks again.  

"Wynonna...?" the name comes out softly. 

In the parking lot stands a woman decked out in a long sleeved t shirt, studded belt, ripped jeans and buckled leather boots reclined against a familiar black pick up truck. Sunglasses hide her gaze.

Waverly moves down the steps cautiously, unsure if it's really her big sister she's looking at or not.

Hesitation fades when she's spotted. Blue eyes are revealed when Wynonna slides her sunglasses up into her hair and squints at her. A confused look passes over Wynonna's features before recognition registers on her face.

The smile Wynonna sports widens into a grin when she realizes its her.

"Waves!" Wynonna calls out, lifts her hand to beckon her forward.

Waverly pushes through the crowd of mumbling students and jogs over to meet her. She grabs Wynonna's wrist before she can say anything and drags her to the other side of the truck where they are slightly obscured, safe from prying eyes. 

 "Woah, you sure have gotten strong." Wynonna rubs her wrist after Waverly drops it. "Among other things." 

Waverly crosses her arms, cocks her brow as inquiring eyes rake over her form. She wonders what Wynonna thinks of her, dressed in tight tank top with a jean jacket and a short skirt. Long hair resting in a braid to the side. Her style had changed drastically since she entered high school. 

She gets her answer in the form of a low whistle.

"God, you look  _good_ , babygirl," Wynonna murmurs, eyes lingering,  _admiring_ , "almost didn't recognize you." she reaches out to lightly graze Waverly's hip. "Where'd you get these curves from, huh?"

"The bargain bin at the mall." Waverly quips, dismissive. The metal from the various rings on her sisters hands are cold against her skin, but she doesn't move away. Instead, she gazes up at Wynonna contemplatively. "I thought you were in Chicago." 

It's been two years since they last saw each other. Up close, Wynonna doesn't look much different. Sharper in some places. Still as beautiful as Waverly remembered. 

Her mind races with possibilities as she tries to figure out why Wynonna is back after all this time.

Wynonna nods slowly, gaze still fixed on curve of Waverly's hips. "I was." her touch eases into a feather like caress before falling away. "But now I'm not." she looks up suddenly, catches Waverly's eye. "Come take a ride with me, babygirl."    

Waverly's nose crinkles as she grips the straps of her backpack. "I have to be home before 4." 

It's not a protest. A warning maybe. She  _wants_ to go with Wynonna.

"I'll have you home by 4." Wynonna says with a smirk. She places her hands in her pocket and adjusts her stance. 

Waverly considers her for a moment. "Why didn't you call, tell me you were coming?" she keeps her tone light so to not make it an accusation.  Everything about Wynonna screams 'unconcerned confidence.' Like she expects Waverly to say yes but wouldn't be bothered either way. Waverly rolls her eyes, latches onto the anger that rises with the thought.

As if sensing where her mind was, Wynonna's stance changes. Anxiety washes over her, scrubs all traces of arrogance from her face. She ducks her head and palms the back of her neck. "Honestly, Wave, I-I wasn't sure you would even want to see me. Couldn't risk it. Not when I have to-  _want_ to talk to you.  _Can_ we talk?" Wynonna steps closer, gazes at her meaningfully. "Just for a bit. Please? "  

The  _please_ does her in. Waverly can see the slight tremble of Wynonna's hand. Nervous. It's been years but she hasn't forgotten her sisters tells. Affection momentarily washes over the anger, dampens it. Waverly steps into the space Wynonna occupies with purpose.  

"Okay, Wyn." She takes a breath. "For a bit."

**x**

Neither girl speak. Waverly stares out the window of the car, arms crossed oncemore. Not sure what to say. What could she say? They barely talked as is. 

The silence cools her head. Reminds her of why they're at this point.

The texts and calls between the two had dwindled into a state of almost nonexistence. Waverly attributes it to a lack of interest on Wynonna's part. Who would want to spend time with their bratty kid sister when they're off experiencing the world?

Waverly's nails dig into the skin of her arms. 

They pull into the almost empty lot of an apartment complex. Waverly surveys the area for a moment but doesn't ask why Wynonna chose this location. 

Wynonna puts the car in park and they sit idle. Moments pass. Wynonna fiddles with the radio before switching it off. Waverly hears the click of the seat belt, the squeak of leather. She can feel Wynonna's eyes on her.

"You're not going to look at me, Waverly?" 

Waverly's fingers twitch. She stays put. 

Wynonna sighs. "Okay. I guess I'll just talk to myself then," she mutters, settles back in her seat. "So, Wynonna, what brings you back in town?" Wynonna lifts her shoulders in a exaggerated shrug. "What can I say? The boys are hot, the booze is good. Oh, and I also promised my baby sister I'd always come back. Don't think she wants to see me though, she's been kind of distant lately. Wow, why do you say that, Wynonna? Huh, well I think it's because-"

"Is everything a joke to you?" Waverly cuts in. Irritation laces her tone. She twists in her seat to glare at her. "I haven't seen you in _two_  years, Wynonna. Which is  _fine_ , okay. I get it, you're busy. Too busy for me." 

The anger and resentment and  _hurt_ simmering beneath the surface starts to spill out. Waverly does nothing to hold it back. "But then you stop responding to my texts and calls completely. I get nothing from you.  _Nothing._ For  _three_ wholemonths, Wynonna. " she pinches the area between her eyes, willing herself not to cry. "Does it even matter to you that I thought you were dead?" 

"Wave-"

"Do you have any idea how-how  _devastated_ I was?" her voice strains. "Wondering if something had happened. Thinking I had lost you?" Waverly fingers curl into the fabric of her skirt "I even begged Aunt Gus and Uncle Curtis to let me go to Chicago. Which went about as well as you'd expect." she snorts, conscious of how irrational that idea had been. How would she have even known where to look? 

She hates how stupid her love for Wynonna makes her feel. 

"Then when you  _finally_ decide to text back, all you say is 'I'm doing okay, kid.' But you wonder why I've been  _distant_?" Waverly asks incredulously. "You were right to worry about me not wanting to see you."

Her outburst is met with silence. 

The moment passes.

Waverly chuckles, bitter. Falls back into her seat with a grimace. "Of course. Nothing to say for yourself. Typical. Well, I won't bother you again. Just do whatever you want, Wynonna. I don't-" she sniffs, hates how tight her chest feels. "God," she presses the base of her hand against her eye. "You're  _such_ an ass."

"Okay," Wynonna exhales, taking it all in. She nods a little. "So, I'm really hating my lack of foresight. Another strike for Wynonna."  She sweeps her hair back, sounding agitated with herself. "This is going to be awkward."

Waverly bristles. She doesn't know what Wynonna means by that but she's had just about enough of this. She turns, ready to tell Wynonna to just take her home but is caught off guard when she's drawn into a hug.

Their positions make the embrace slightly uncomfortable but Waverly's too confused to complain. 

"I know I fucked up." Wynonna starts, voice low. "It's just what I do. I fuck up and I make things harder for myself than they need to be.  Not just with you. In Chicago too. I fucked up, Wave. Got involved in some things that made it -" she pauses then. Hesitates. " _difficult,_ " she's careful not to reveal too much, _"_ to keep in touch. I know that's not an excuse. I could've tried harder but I-" Steadily, Wynonna's hold on her tightens. "God, Waverly, I'msorry. I'm  _so_ sorry. I know you're tired of hearing that from me but I am. I'll apologize as many times as you want me to. But, please - don't cut me out, okay? You're the one good thing I have in this world."

Waverly's brows furrow when she notices that Wynonna's shoulders are quivering. It takes a moment to realize that her sister is crying. She softens. 

"Wynonna..."

"You have no idea how much I missed you, Waverly."

Her heart clenches.

Waverly missed her too. Missed  _this._

The sweet, lovely side of her remorse stricken, hardened older sister. 

"I love you  _so_  much _,_ babygirl."

Waverly inhales shakily. Her defenses crumble.

For a brief moment, she's tired of herself.

Wynonna makes it so easy to forget why she's mad. 

**x**

Wynonna has a self satisfied smirk when she gets her home at 3:58PM. Waverly thanks her for the ride, promises to call her later and moves to exit the car. She unlocks and pushes the door open to step out only for Wynonna to tug her back.

"Wait." Wynonna twines their fingers, "I have a place now." she grins at her, open, eager, "You should stop by tomorrow, after school. I can pick you up."

"I have cheer practice."

"I can wait."

Waverly bites back a smile. "Practice is an hour and a half long, Wynonna."

Wynonna shrugs. "I can wait." she repeats firmly, holds Waverly's eye. "Okay?"

The adoration directed towards her makes Waverly shudder. She lowers her gaze, demure. "Okay." she licks her lip, a thought turning around in her head. "What should I tell Gus and Curtis?"

"Tell them you have a date with destiny." Wynonna says as she lifts her brows suggestively.

Wynonna, without any hint of irony, had nicknamed the truck  _Destiny_  after she had first laid eyes on it. She had worked her ass off to save up enough money to purchase it. Said it was a tangible first step in operation 'Get out of Purgatory'. Waverly always hated the name.

"You're corny and so not helpful."

"Those are my two best traits."

" _Wynonna._ "

Wynonna pouts, "Fine," she says with a huff, "I'll let them know I'm back." she promises before shifting closer, "Now will you  _please_  come over? I got a bean bag, dude. A  _bean bag_."

Waverly ponders on whether or not that's supposed to make her more or less inclined to visit.

"You're such a dork." Waverly shakes her head with a smile, "I'll be there."

Wynonna unlaces their hands so she can lift Waverly's to her mouth. Waverly's breath hitches when gentle kisses are pressed against her fingers. "Mm, that's my good girl."

The term makes Waverly roll her eyes even as heat rises to her cheeks. They've fallen back into familiar patterns. "I'm not 10 anymore, Wynonna." she reminds her with a squeeze of her hand. Waverly grabs her bag and quickly slides out of the car before Wynonna can stop her again. She closes the door behind her with a wave. "See you tomorrow." 

Wynonna watches her go up the driveway with a smile before leaning back in her seat. Tension slips from her body. She drags a hand over her face and closes her eyes. 

Her heart pounds unsteadily she replays the last 40 minutes in her mind. 

The memory of the little sister she left behind contrasts heavily with the appearance of the woman she saw today. She can barely reconcile the two. 

Her Waverly. All grown up. So different. 

So  _hot_. 

Her stomach turns at the thought. 

Guilt and disgust well up in her as she knocks against the headrest. 

"No, babygirl," Wynonna swallows with a frown. She moves forward to put the car in reverse. "You definitely are not."

**x**

_**I'm biting my tongue** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I just want to say that the feedback has been amazing and unexpected. I really appreciate you guys taking the time out of your day to leave a comment, it truly means a lot and motivates me to keep going knowing what you all think and how you feel about the story so far. Thank you.


	3. I keep a service bell by my bed for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - Service Bell by Grizzly Bear + Feist

**WAVERLY**

_So did you bring me something? - 5:23PM_

**WYNONNA**

_Uh, duh - 5:42PM_

_I brought the best present ever - 5:43PM_

_AKA- 5:47PM_

_One Wynonna Earp - 5:47PM_

**WAVERLY**  

_Huh, think I'd rather have a I LOVE CHICAGO keychain- 5:49PM_

_What are we doing tomorrow?_  - _5:50PM_

_Are you going to take me out?_  - _5_ _:50PM_

**WYNONNA**

_LOL That's cold blooded,  Waves - 6:12PM_

_If by 'take out' you mean order in and eat greasy thai food while watching TV on the couch, then Hell Yeah I am! - 6:13PM_

**WAVERLY**

_So romantic - 6:14PM_

**WYNONNA**

_Hey, that's better than any of the dates I've been on! I'll even let you control the remote - 6:14PM_

**WAVERLY**

_What I'm getting from this conversation is that I need to kee_ _p my expectations low - got it. I'll try to remember that for when I start dating. - 6:18PM_

**WYNONNA**

_Guys are lame - 7:56PM_

_Especially the ones at Purgatory High - 8:01PM_

**WAVERLY**

_You don't even know any of the boys at my school, Wynonna - 8:02PM_

_I mean, you do. But things change. People grow up - 8:03PM_

**WYNONNA**

_I don't need to know who they are - 8:56PM_

_No one is good enough for my baby girl - 8:57PM_

**WAVERLY**

_I wish you were here - 8:59PM_

**WYNONNA**

_Me too, babe - 9:05PM_

**WAVERLY**

_Wanna come over?_ _Uncle Curtis still hasn't cut the tree to my window - 9:05PM_

**WYNONNA**

_I would if I could, Wave. Finishing up a few things - 9:23PM_

_I can't wait to show you my bean bag - 9:41PM_

_I miss you - 10:04PM_

**WAVERLY**

_lol - 10:08PM_

_miss you more - 10:09PM_

_I'll see you later. Goodnight.- 10:22PM_

**WYNONNA**

_Night, Waves - 11:17PM_

**x**

Humming, Waverly checks her phone as she skips down the stairs two steps at a time. She smiles to herself as she skims over the messages from last night and makes her way over to the front door. 

"Hold on now, Waverly."

The call of her name pulls Waverly's attention from her phone. She glances behind her, "I'm going to be late, Aunt Gus!" she gestures towards the door, "bus will be here soon."

"Curtis'll take you." Gus prompts Waverly to come into the dining room with a crook of her finger. Waverly frowns as she slips her phone into the front pocket of her jeans, "O-kay...weird," she whispers before crossing the room.

Gus motions for her to take a seat at the table, which Waverly does reluctantly. 

"So, uh, what's up?" she ask as she sets her backpack on the ground, her eyes shifting between Gus and Curtis, who she just noticed is leaning against the wall next to the fridge. "Something wrong?"

Curtis purses his lips but doesn't speak. Gus, who stands at the end of the table with, grimaces.

"Waverly, have you heard from your sister lately?"

Uneasiness coils in Waverly's stomach at the question. She's never been good at lying and she's sure the answer is written all over her face. 

"Thought so." Gus says with a sigh, "Wynonna stopped by the bar last night while I was working. Didn't even stop to give me a 'Hello' before she 'informed' me that she would be picking you up from school to take you to her apartment. Haven't heard from this girl in years yet that's the first thing she say to me." She huffs, clearly exasperated with the situation, "Now I found it hard to believe that she would come to me first so I called your Uncle here," Gus cuts her gaze to Curtis, who shrinks into himself a bit, "and he told me that he told  _her_  we were okay with it as long as that's what you wanted."

Waverly inches forward in her seat, "Really?" she asks, brows lifting in surprise.

Curtis rubs the back of his neck, a gesture that Wynonna clearly picked up from him. "Waverly is 16, Gus," Curtis reasons, "I think she's old enough to make her own decisions. She's always been responsible."

Gus scoffs, "Yes,  _Waverly_ is responsible. Who even knows what's going on with Wynonna. Did you even stop to ask how she got the money to afford that apartment? We don't know what nonsense she's involved in-" 

"Wynonna would never let anything happen to me." Waverly interrupts the ensuing argument. She places her palms on the table and stands. "She loves me."

"We know that, but-"

Waverly doesn't give Gus any further chance to protest. "I'm on the honor roll, I'm in band, I made it to the cheer squad," she slowly grows more animated with each accomplishment she lists off, "I'm always home before curfew and I  _never_  go out when I'm not supposed to," her fingers curl into the table top, "I've done everything you've asked for and  _more,_ Aunt Gus _."_

_"_ Waverly-"

"You can't stop me from seeing her." Waverly straightens and crosses her arms, defiant expression in place. "There's nothing you can say that will  _justify_ you not letting me see her a-and if you try to stop me, I-I'll leave," her jaw quivers as she repeats the words that have stayed with her since the night Wynonna was kicked out, "I'll go with her. If Wynonna decides to move again, I'll convince her to stay until I turn 18 and- I'll  _leave,_ Aunt Gus, a-andI won't ever come backand-" Waverly is just rambling at this point, doesn't even know if Wynonna would agree to what she's threatening, but she's so desperate for Gus to understand that she  _needs_ to see her sister. 

She's older now and more willing to give it all up so that she can be with the only family she has left. The only reminder of her past before everything was ripped away from her. 

Nothing in her life had ever been a choice. Her mother abandoned her, her father never loved her, her eldest sister despised her - the pain, the anger, the resentment, the grief - she would take all of that and more  _because_ her love for Wynonna overpowered any of the negative emotions she experienced while living in that house. 

"Alright,  _stop_." 

Waverly mouth snaps shut. She swallows, anxiously awaiting Gus's response. 

Gus closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, "I don't particularly like being threatened, Waverly Earp," she reaches up to scratch the side of her head and sighs again, this time in defeat, "That being said, you have proven we can trust you," she glances over at Curtis, who smiles back at her sheepishly. 

"Fine, we won't stop you  _b_ _ut_  if your grades slip or there's any trouble-"

"There won't be!" Waverly rushes over to embrace Gus. "Oh, thank you, thank you!" she kisses her on the cheek before turning to Curtis and hugging him as well. "I promise, I won't let you down."

"We know you won't," Curtis says, heartfelt as he rubs her back, "Tell Wynonna I said hi. And let her know that she  _can_  come around the ranch sometime." 

Waverly beams. "I will."

Gus rolls her eyes at them. "Go on now," she shoos Waverly away, "you're going to be late."

**x**

"Ugh, that's killer," Wynonna mumbles as she slowly starts to sit up in her bed. She grabs her head with a groan after slumping back against the wall. The throbbing is more annoying than painful so it only takes her a few minutes to gather her bearings, "Mystery Shot my ass. That was  _so_  tequila. Mixed with a fucking cyanide tab."

Sighing, she drops her hand and looks over at her phone, which was resting on the small table next to her bed. Wynonna leans over to grab it and unlocks the screen with a flick of her finger. 

The corners of her lips lift as she reads the 'good morning' and 'can't wait to see you' texts she received from Waverly hours prior. 

Her smile starts to slip as she remembers the reason why she had gotten so drunk in the first place. 

She lightly slaps her face before falling back onto her bed. 

_It's fine. You're fine. It doesn't mean anything. It's been years, you just missed her. It's fine._

This was the mantra she had repeated to herself throughout the night as she downed shot after shot at the neighboring bar. She at least had enough sense  _not_ to go on a bender at the place her Aunt worked. Gus and Curtis would never let Waverly near her if they saw how utterly fucked up Wynonna had gotten last night.

She snorts and drapes an arm over her face. 

Well, if they found out what was currently running through her head, they wouldn't let Waverly near her in general.

Wynonna couldn't exactly blame them for that either. 

Still, it was all vague notions, fleeting ideas. So imperceptible Wynonna could pretend it was normal. 

After all, she has eyes, doesn't she? Waverly is gorgeous. Much prettier than Wynonna had been at her age. Prettier than Wynonna is  _now._ She just wants to look at her forever. 

Except, maybe it's more than that.  

Wynonna thinks about laying Waverly down on her bed. Her sheets are black. Waverly would look nice on top of them. They could cuddle. There was nothing weird about wanting to do that with a sibling. 

Besides, Waverly wouldn't mind. Waverly loves her. Waverly would let her...

Let her what?

Wynonna frowns.

Her phone chirps. 

She lowers her arm enough to check the message. 

**WAVERLY**

_If you're late, I'll make you eat vegan food tonight - 12:59PM_

_I'm not even vegan, Wynonna - 1:00PM_

She reads Waverly's message with a smile, and for a moment, the worry stops. Wynonna types out a quick reply before tossing her phone to the end of the bed.

A nap would be good.

**x**

The day passes in a blur for Waverly. She feels like she's on autopilot as she waits for the final bell to sound, signaling the end of school.

Waverly is the first of the sophomores to cheer practice, a normal occurrence. She likes to come in early to help set up for the senior girls. One afternoon, the assistant coach had noticed and had made a quick comment to her about how different she was from her older sister. 

_When Wynonna would walk in, a girl would walk out crying._

Hearing it had made Waverly cringe. She hated being reminded of how much hostility Wynonna had managed to garner in a span of 4 years. 

Practice starts on a high note. They finish their routines with laughs and plans to hang out for the weekend. A day at the mall, party at Ben's and then back to Rachel's for drinks after. 

Waverly declines them all with a placating smile. 

Chrissy raises a brow but Stephanie is quick to dismiss her, tells her to have fun studying and goes back to ironing out plans with Sonja and Rachel. 

The apathy hurts for a moment but a text from Wynonna returns the smile to her face and she leaves without a single thought of boys or school or her friends. 

**x**

Wynonna sputters mid yawn when she spots Waverly across the lot, still dressed in the blue and white Purgatory High cheerleading outfit. 

She mouths 'what the fuck' to herself as she stares at her little sister, completely baffled at how they were somehow able to make the skirt of those already skimpy outfits even shorter. 

Coach Lewis always had been a perv.

Her cheeks feel unnaturally warm when Waverly stops in front of her, gentle smile in place, gym bag swung over her shoulder, hair cascading around her, framing her face. Angelic. Wynonna hand twitches. She takes a slight step back as she tries to wrap her mind around the fact that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about how much Waverly has grown, how beautiful her baby sister is, how much she wants to hold her and never let her go. It's throwing her off.  She wonders if Waverly has had a boyfriend yet, if she has one now. 

Wynonna frowns at the idea.    

"Hi, Wynonna." 

Waverly's voice comes out shy but there's an elated quality to it that makes Wynonna nervous. She doesn't let the feeling sit and instead reaches out to slap Waverly's shoulder.

"Wha- _ow._ " 

"C'mon, kiddo." Wynonna's grin is unnaturally wide as she opens the car and ushers Waverly into her seat, ignoring her protests as she slams the door behind her. "I'm starving."

Wynonna winds around her truck and hops in. Starts the car and takes off before Waverly can say another word. 

_This is fine. It's fine. You're fine._

Wynonna vows to keep her hands to herself.

**x**

Waverly shifts in the doorway of Wynonna's apartment, eyes flicking as she takes in the scenery. The walls are black, barren minus the slanted Metallica poster pinned above the 32 inch TV tucked in the corner. A fine layer of dust covers the screen. The couch, which faces the TV, is as black as the walls with ragged tears in the inseams of the cushions. The floor panels are wooden, aged, like one wrong move could send you through them into the apartment below. 

Everything is compact. Borderline disastrous. It's so Wynonna that Waverly can't help but smile.

Wynonna tosses her keys in the bowl on the table and throws her jacket on the rack next to the door, "Mi casa, su casa," she shouts behind her as she makes a beeline to the space too small to really be considered a kitchen, "I'll order thai in a minute."

"Where's that bean bag?"

"Bedroom."

"Ah..." Waverly's brow rises when she sees Wynonna pull out a bottle of Whiskey from the cupboard. "A bit early to start drinking, don't you think?" she asks as she sets her bag by the table and closes the door behind her. Waverly continues surveying the area as she walks over to the couch and takes a seat. It's more comfortable than it appears. She speculates on where Wynonna could have gotten the furniture from. How she's able to afford this place. If Wynonna has a job. She thinks back to Gus's words from the morning.

"Who says this is my first?" Wynonna muses as she pops opens the bottle. She takes a drink as she leans back against the counter, "So, uh, how's school? Is Dickens the Dorkus still teaching Algebra?" Wynonna chuckles a bit, "You know, that dickwad gave me the big D sophomore year and I'm n _ot_  talking about the fun kind," she heaves an exagerrated sigh, "All because I never went to class. Pft, like I was going to waste an hour of my life watching his decrepit ass. Dude, he almost put me in a coma with how boring he was."

It's a mundane start. Uninspired. Waverly doesn't want to talk about school. She wants to talk about  _them_. 

Her sister is acting weird. Distant. Wynonna barely responded to any of her texts from today. 

Well, actually, that was kind of normal. 

But even when Waverly had tried to start a conversation in the car, each attempt had been met with single word answers until finally they had fallen into complete silence with only the slow tunes of the radio filling the space between them. 

Wynonna wouldn't even let Waverly touch her. When she had reached over to link their fingers, Wynonna had jerked back like she had been burned. The explanation as to why they could not hold hands could not have been more asinine. 

Too hard to grip the wheel, apparently. 

Which was funny because Waverly had once watched her sister attempt to light a cigarette with one hand as she dangled a greasy bag of fries in the other. While driving. Over the speed limit.

This was awkward. Waverly worries that she's done something wrong. Maybe she had been too pushy in her texts? She's too scared to ask. It's like Wynonna sees through her, like she would if she were peering at glass. Almost as if Waverly doesn't exist. 

Waverly hadn't considered the possibility that she could ever feel uncomfortable around her sister.

She still hasn't taken off her coat. 

"School is okay. Mr. Dickens still teaches Algebra, yeah," Waverly looks down and wipes her palms along her skirt, "he's not my teacher though," she trails off, peeks up at Wynonna from beneath her lashes curiously. Waverly's brows furrow at the bored, disinterested expression Wynonna sports. Her sister seems content to stand and sip on her drink. She wonders if she had made a mistake in coming here today. 

She shifts her gaze and deliberately turns away, head dropping.  Maybe Wynonna hadn't actually wanted to see her. Maybe Wynonna had felt obligated to extend the invitation. Another chore for the dutiful older sister to fulfill. 

Maybe she should leave.

Her insecurities start to flood her. 

The hurt doesn't have time to settle. She tries to hide her face when she hears Wynonna come up behind her. Waverly tenses, waiting. There's a slight delay, almost a hesitation in Wynonna's actions as she reaches over to sweep aside Waverly's hair. Cool fingers brush along her neck, making her shiver. The metal from Wynonna's rings is cold against her skin. 

"I missed you today, babygirl." Wynonna sounds sad when she says it.

Waverly frowns, starts to turn and Wynonna withdraws in what seems like a panic. She sits up quickly, knees digging into the cushion as she inclines forward to grip Wynonna's sleeves and stop her retreat. 

Wynonna's expression is stoic, gives nothing away. 

Still, there's a subtle wariness in Wynonna's gaze that intrigues her.

Waverly tugs her closer with a raised brow. Dances her fingers up along Wynonna's arms, feeling the muscles twitch beneath her. She cups flushed cheeks. 

"I missed you too, Wynonna." 

It's said in a whisper. Wynonna stares at her with so much adoration that it makes Waverly's heart ache before blue eyes slowly start to shift away. Closed off again. Wynonna switches between affectionate and cold so quickly. Waverly has a hard time keeping up. 

She wants to test it. Waverly sits back on her haunches and reaches over to grab the whiskey bottle, which slips from Wynonna's grasp easily. Wynonna's focus returns to her.

The alcohol burns her throat but Waverly holds Wynonna's eye as she swallows. She lowers the bottle and drags her thumb over the residual liquid on her lip before popping it into her mouth. 

Blue eyes darken as they follow the movement intently. 

Waverly shivers, savors the warmth that washes over her. Wynonna's attention, after _so_ long, feels good.

"Mm," she smiles around her thumb, coy "Let's get pizza instead." She hops up from the couch and goes to grab her cellphone from her bag, hanging her coat on the rack as she passes by.

Wynonna regards her silently as she makes the call. 

**x**

They rest on opposite ends of the couch after they eat. Wynonna sits with an arm draped behind her seat, almost empty whiskey bottle by her feet, drifting off. Waverly lays sideways on the couch, curled up with her arms tucked beneath her legs. She blinks lazily, the food and whiskey warming her. 

"Why'd you leave?" it slips out before she can think to stop it. The alcohol makes her braver than she is. 

The question seems to startle Wynonna out of her stupor. Dark brows furrow. She sits forward to reach for the whiskey. 

A habit, a crutch. 

"Too scared to stay," Wynonna responds with a shrug before she tips the bottle back to finish it. Her shoulders fall. "Everyone hates me."

Waverly inches closer at that. "I don't hate you," she reminds her. 

Wynonna smiles a little. "I know, Waves," she runs a hand through her hair and sighs, "You're pretty much the only one."

"Uncle Curtis doesn't either." Waverly bites her lip. "He said you could come by the ranch. Aunt Gus, well," she hesitates, "she's better now than she used to be. Told me I could see you anytime."

That wasn't exactly true but Waverly would make it her mission to spend as much time with Wynonna as she can before she-

Waverly stills, doesn't let the thought finish. "How long will you be in town?" she asks, voice strained. Just because Wynonna had an apartment didn't necessarily mean this was permanent. Wynonna could be gone as soon as tomorrow. 

Gone girl.  

Wynonna shrugs, nonchalant. "Eh, not sure. I mean, I have nowhere else to go. The liquor is a lot cheaper here," she says lightly as she stares forward, pointedly avoiding Waverly's gaze. 

It's not a real answer nor is it what Waverly had wanted. Or even expected.

"Oh."

The disappointment in her voice is apparent. Waverly's body starts its retreat before her mind does. She doesn't get far. Wynonna sits up to clasp a hand around her wrist, halting her movements. Her brows are pinched into a frown.

"Stop trying to run from me." 

Wavery marvels at the irony of the statement. 

A hurt expression crosses Wynonna's face when Waverly yanks her hand away. 

"I'm not the one who is always running, Wynonna." Waverly points out, her tone biting. She looks to the side as she crosses her arms, "I'm not the one who left _._ "

"I came back," Wynonna remarks quietly, slowly growing frustrated with the situation. How many times was her sister going to use that against her? "I told you I would and I did," she motions to herself, "I'm right here, Waves. What more do you want?"

Waverly scoffs and goes to stand. "You just don't get it," she mumbles as she starts to walk away from the couch. It's a childish thing to do. Wynonna is reminded of just how young Waverly is.  More mature than Wynonna had been at her age. More mature than Wynonna could be now. Still a kid though. 

The realization makes her uneasy.

Wynonna takes a breath, attempts to calm herself. She's the older of the two. 22 is a long way from 16. She could be an adult, for once. Wynonna sets the empty bottle down and follows behind her. "Explain it to me then," she grasps Waverly's shoulder to turn her around. It's a bit of a struggle but Wynonna is stronger. She ducks her head, trying to catch Waverly's eye, "Why are you still upset at me, baby? Help me understand."

Neither girl seems to notice Wynonna's slip of the tongue.

Waverly fidgets under Wynonna's sharp gaze. The intensity of it compels her to respond. "Why-" she clears her throat, tries to dislodge the words, "why wasn't I enough?" her voice comes out small. 

Wynonna tilts her head, brows rising. She's confused, "Uh, enough for...?" 

Waverly makes a vague hand gesture. Another non-answer. They speak in code half the time. Never quite on the same wavelength. 

"Waves," Wynonna looks down at her skeptically, "You know I'm not good at charades." 

Waverly rolls her eyes and picks at the seams of her skirt, "To get you to stay."

The hold on her loosens as the gears click into place for Wynonna, who visibly softens. "Waverly..."

They both realize it's the missing part of a question she's been asking Wynonna for years. 

"I mean, I know why you couldn't take me with you but- you could've stayed. You didn't have to go," Waverly sniffs and starts to tear up, "We could've worked something out. But, you just kept leaving and I missed you  _so_ much and I- why wasn't being with me enough to get you to stay, Wynonna?"

She tailors herself to be exactly what everyone needs but she still couldn't get Wynonna to stay with her. It's not fair.

"God, I'm such a mess." Waverly wipes at her face, agitated. She wants to hide but Wynonna is solid against her. Waverly can't bring herself to move away. "Sorry. That was stupid." 

"Don't apologize, babygirl," Wynonna whispers, gently bringing her closer, "It's not stupid at all." Her arms wind around Waverly's frame. "Waves, if you're a mess, I'm a natural catastrophe. Cataclysmic. I'm talking thunder and lightning, hail, locusts.  _Locusts,_ babe. Those creepy little fucks - yeah, that's me."

Waverly hiccups, and then buries her giggles in Wynonna's shirt. "Don't make me laugh, I'm mad at you."

"Sorry, couldn't hear you cause you were talking into my boobs," Wynonna intones dryly, "But I think you said, 'Wynonna is the bestest, coolest, most amazeballs older sister  _ever,_ '" she pulls back so she can brush her knuckles against Waverly's cheek. "Did I get that right?"

"Mm, maybe." Waverly eyes close and she leans into Wynonna's touch, "Sounds like something I'd say," she grips the back of Wynonna's shirt eagerly. 

The corners of Wynonna's mouth curl up into a smirk as Waverly practically melts against her frame, "Yeah, that's what I thought," her tone hedges on being haughty.  "My babygirl could never stay mad at me," she gently kisses Waverly's temple, "Too sweet," she murmurs, nuzzling the skin there, "I am pretty awesome though," she jokes as she lifts Waverly's chin so she can press her lips against closed eyelids.

Now that she's actually touching her, Wynonna can't stop. Waverly feels so good. She wonders if Waverly is this soft everywhere.

"Don't be cocky," Waverly mutters, breathless, blush staining her cheeks, "it makes you less attractive."

It's an odd thing to say. Wynonna tries not to dwell on it. She clears her throat instead.

"You know, you're the only reason I came back, Waves." Waverly tenses but doesn't leave her embrace. She's listening. Wynonna continues, "Everyone else in this trashbucket town could kick rocks for all I care," her expression darkens. "You're the only one worth giving a damn about. I never meant to make you feel like-" Wynonna inhales and slowly releases it, "-like you weren't enough. Because that's not true at all. You're everything, babygirl."

Waverly's breath hitches. Wynonna hates that she notices.

"I left because I felt trapped," Wynonna licks her lips. This is hard for her. All the things she couldn't say before - it's all spilling out, "like I was suffocating. I was just a kid, Waves, I couldn't handle it. I didn't have anyone to lean on and, well, I don't have the best coping mechanisms," she rolls her eyes at herself, "clearly. Might as well call me Daddy with how much I drink."

"Wynonna..." Waverly's hold on her tightens, "You're not alone anymore. I'm here for you, now and always. You don't ever have to feel that way again." 

The promise makes Wynonna smile. For the first time in a long while, she feels safe. Happy. Acknowledged. She's not used to this. 

Despite everything she's done, Waverly has always and still loves her. Wynonna knows she doesn't deserve it but she'll take it anyway. She's selfish and her baby sisters affection is vast and overwhelming. She wants to drown in it. 

Waverly is  _so_ good. Wynonna wants to take care of her, stay with her, protect her forever. Even from herself. 

_Especially_  from herself. 

Because as good as Waverly is, Wynonna is  _not_ _._  

Her feelings - there's something... _awful_...just brimming at the surface. Threatening to emerge. 

Things could never be easy.  

But she stows the emotions away for now. Buries them under sisterly devotion, pretends like they don't exist.

Because they don't. They can't.

Wynonna knows she's a headcase. So screwed up that even she doesn't know what's real. But there's no way she's fucked up enough to want to do what she's been thinking about doing to her baby sister. 

She can't be that person. 

This monster. Decked out in human flesh.  

There's just no way.

Wynonna breathes through her nose, lowers her head to Waverly's shoulder. The self loathing is palpable. She can taste it at the back of her throat.  Still, she'll try. 

All she can do is try.

"You were always enough for me, Waverly. I just wasn't enough for myself."

**x**

**_let the others do what they do_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the feedback has been phenomenal. Please keep the comments coming, I love reading them and seeing what you all think. It actually inspires me to write and get these chapters out faster. Thank you everyone.


	4. I'm an emotional wreck, weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - Nice Guy by Eminem ft. Jessie Reyez

**x**

They slip into a routine almost seamlessly.

Waverly's life consists of three constants.

School, cheer practice, Wynonna.

School, cheer practice, Wynonna.

School.

Cheer practice. 

Wynonna.

Wynonna, Wynonna, Wynonna. 

Waverly can't think of anything else. 

Shorty, who has always had a soft spot for them, offers Wynonna a job at the bar, much to Gus's annoyance. Waverly gets the feeling that they avoid each other more often than not. On the days she doesn't have practice, Waverly sits at the bar chatting with her sister until the evening crowd bustles in. Wynonna glares sharply at any guy who tries to hit on her before ushering her into the basement downstairs, where Waverly spends the rest of the night studying and finishing up her homework until Wynonna gets off work. 

The weekends are theirs completely. Wynonna takes her anywhere she wants to go no matter how begrudgingly, typically coupled with an eyeroll. The community pool late at night, in which Wynonna had somehow snagged keys to the chain lock. The zoo on an early Sunday. The amusement park just outside of town.

Most days they spend at Wynonna's apartment. Waverly prefers these quiet moments where they don't have to bother with keeping up pretenses, where Waverly can be herself without worrying about what people may think of her, where Wynonna can smile and laugh without people judging her. It's just the two of them, alone, wrapped up in one another. 

She stays out until minutes before her curfew. Curtis is understanding but she knows Gus doesn't like it. Every night, Gus stands under the porch light with hands on her hips. Waiting. Always with a scowl in place whenever Wynonna drops her off. 

Wynonna will wink and wave at Gus from the car but mumbler obscenities under her breath to Waverly.

Waverly is the unwilling intermediary. She doubts they'll ever get along. 

Still, it's worth it. Waverly hasn't felt this way in years. The elation is like a drug. They fall into their own little bubble where no one else matters and nothing else exists but each other.

**x**

Champ Hardy asks her out on a Friday morning.

He draws her attention away from her phone with the proposal. She takes him in, notes the way he leans against her locker with a smirk, bold in a way the other boys who've asked her out were not. His hairstyle is outdated, gelled and swept back like a greaser straight out of  _the Outsiders_. She likes that novel. It gives him a point in her book. 

The sleeves of his shirt are rolled up, exposing his tattooed forearms. Waverly finds the concept of tattoos hot but the Jury is still out on what she thinks of them on him. His jeans are fitted and practical. Everything about him screams normalcy. A typical teenage boy. She likes that about him too.

Somewhere, in a journal tucked under her bed spread,  _Champ Hardy_ is scribbled down next to several rows of other names. He's # 3 on her list for potential boyfriends. He's not the brightest but he's fairly popular. Beloved. Her friends think he's a stud which is important and had bumped him up once she had overheard them talking about him. Uncle Curtis also thinks he's nice. Champ's father works with him at the ranch.

Waverly is more inclined to say yes to him than to anyone else and she almost does but then she remembers she's busy tonight and for the foreseeable future and after that it isn't even a question on if she's going to turn him down. It's a certainty.

She gives an apologetic smile as she swings her backpack over her shoulder and shuts her locker door. "Maybe some other time, Champ. I'm going out with my sister tonight."

Champ looks disappointed for a second but shrugs it off easily. "Your loss," he says, not unkindly. He takes the rejection softly. He pushes up and off the locker and slicks his hair back, "If you change your mind, give me a call," he offers and holds out his number on a piece of paper. 

The action is smooth yet assertive. His confidence is compelling. She finds herself considering him closely as she reaches over to him. Their fingers brush together. His skin is calloused but warm. Champ gives a slight upturn of his lips as he releases the paper. He spins on his heel, waving a 'see you later' over his shoulder as he walks away. 

Waverly closes her eyes and tries to imagine him taking her hand. Imagines what his arms would feel like around her waist. How his lips would feel against hers. 

Her heart beats at a consistent rhythm. There are no butterflies. She opens her eyes, disappointed. Once again, she feels nothing.

At this point Waverly wonders if she'd even be able to tell if she was attracted to someone.

**x**

The news of her interaction with Champ spreads like wildfire. By noon, the whole school is talking about how Waverly Earp turned down Champ Hardy. 

The reaction is unexpected. She's turned down guys before. Waverly tries to understand why it matters this time. She texts Champ to ask if he was the one who told but he's quick to deny it, reminds her that it wouldn't make sense for him to tell people. It's a ding on his reputation. She can tell he's annoyed so she puts her phone away and resolves to figure it out herself.

Waverly reflects on it as she heads to lunch. She's ambushed before she gets a chance to sit down.

"Bitch,  _tell_  me you did  _not_  say no to a ride with Champ Hardy?"

The question disrupts her train of thought but only for a moment. Waverly raises a brow, amused. She flattens her skirt with a smile, "Okay. I did not say no to Champ Hardy," she repeats drolly. She hates rhetorical questions. 

Stephanie sniffs, obviously annoyed with her response but doesn't snap back. Waverly has gotten a bit mouthier in the last month. It's clear Wynonna's sarcasm is rubbing off on her. Chrissy hides a chuckle behind her hand.

Sonja looks on in disinterest as Waverly goes to sit down, "Damn, Wave, that's like the 7th guy you've turned down this month," she props her elbow on the table and rests her cheek on her palm, "Are you like, a lesbian or something?"

Waverly almost misses her seat when she hears that,"What?  _No,_ " she releases a breathless laugh as she adjusts herself, finding the question absurd. She's never even thought about a girl in that manner. Or a boy. Or  _anyone._  

Planned did not mean desired. 

"Silly," she shakes her head with a chuckle and pops open her lunch container, "No, Wynonna's taking me to a museum tonight," she relays cheerfully and then adds, "You know, Champ wasn't even as upset as you guys are."

A hush falls over the table. Puzzled, Waverly glances around and notes the skeptical looks on her friends faces. She shifts, growing guarded, "What?"

Rachel is the first to break the silence, "Okay, so, just so we're clear," she laughs a bit," You said no to going on date with a super hot guy so you could hang out with your _sister_?" she affirms in disbelief.

Waverly's brows furrow, "Well,  _yeah_ ," she says as she straightens, drawing up. Defensive. "We've been catching up."

Sonja purses her lips, "Haven't you hung out with her every day since she's been back, Wave?"

"Yeah," Waverly lowers her head and pretends to focus on stirring her rice, "I've been helping her settle back in. She had a lot of luggage," she offers Sonja a small smile, "You know, from Chicago. Plus, she needs help cleaning up and stuff."

It's not a lie exactly. Wynonna did ask her to put away a sweater once. That has to count for something. Sometimes they do the dishes together after Waverly cooks for them.

"Hmm..." Sonja flicks her eyes to Rachel, inclines her head in a gesture that could only mean  _You talk to her._

"Um, Wavey," Rachel coughs into her hand, "don't you think that's a little, I don't know, weird?" she does her best to keep her voice friendly, "I mean, my brother is hardly in town and when he is, I definitely don't want to hang out with him every day."

"C'mon, Rach, you know that's not fair," Waverly sets her fork down, not seeing the connection, "Tommy visits once a month," she feels like she's missing something, "I haven't seen Wynonna in  _two_ years," her stomach flutters with nerves as she emphasizes that point.

"We know, sweetie, it's just," Rachel hesitates. It's obvious to Waverly that she's struggling to find the right words. The struggle doesn't seem to last for long. "I mean, did you forget what happened the summer of 8th grade?"

The accusation makes her tense. Waverly realizes a moment too late where this conversation is heading. Shame tightens her chest. They had promised to never bring that up. Guess that was off the table.

Sonja sits forward as Waverly starts to shrink into herself, chasing her hand, "Hun, we're not trying to be mean," she reassures her with a squeeze of her palm, "But we all know Wynonna's not the most," she clicks her tongue, trying to choose the least offensive term to describe what she thinks of Waverly's sister, " _dependable_ person around. We just don't want what happened last time to happen again."

Waverly swallows down the lump that forms in her throat, "I-it won't," she stutters, hating how weak the denial sounds even to her, "it's different this time.  _She's_ different. She promised-"

"Okay, no, stop," Stephanie cuts in, exasperated, "We are  _so_ not going to pretend like you didn't totally go full Bella Swan circa  _New Moon  _on us when Wynonna stopped calling, _"_ she rolls a finger around her ear. Crazy. "Wave, you barely got out of bed for like, two weeks," she reminds her abrasively, "Girl, we did not spend $59.99 on that self help bookjust for you to go back to pining over the more irritating, albeit, possibly just as hot female version of Edward Cullen."

Waverly scowls at the comparison. She doesn't know what she dislikes more, Stephanie equating Wynonna to such a problematic character or Stephanie calling Wynonna hot. 

Her hands ball up into fist.

Definitely has to be the former.

If Stephanie notices the shift in Waverly's demeanor, she doesn't let it stop her tirade, "What was that book even called again?" she asks as she snaps her fingers and looks around, "Chrissy, Rach? Anyone?"

Chrissy releases a tired sigh. She's not a fan of ganging up on people, no matter what the intent. But she's also worried. Waverly is one of her best friends. The last thing she wants is to see her lose it again. So she responds to Stephanie's prodding, albeit reluctantly, " _Co-dependence and You: How Shared Trauma Leads To Unhealthy Relationship s._" She really hopes this conversation will be over soon. 

"Yeah,  _that_ ," Stephanie snorts, "Like, did you even read past the first page? Step 1, doofus, don't drop all of your friends to hang out with the crazy bitch who abandoned you."

The jab makes Waverly flinch.

Sonja mouths "wow" to herself while Chrissy puts her face in her hands. Rachel rubs her temples in annoyance and glares at Stephanie, "Steph, what the fuck?"

"Listen," Stephanie holds her hands up as if to say 'don't blame me' "I don't know why y'all acting brand new, I'm just telling her what we're all thinking. "

"But, like, you couldn't have phrased it better?" Sonja asks dryly, shaking her head. Her gaze flicks over to Waverly, who sits with her lips pressed into a thin line. 

Sonja's smile is faint,"Wave, I know you probably don't want to hear this  _but_ ," she heaves a sigh, "you  _always_ get so lost in Wynonna. To the point where you start neglecting everyone just to be with her. Which would be fine, if she stuck around longer than a month but she always leaves and then you spiral into this depression that none of us can pull you from and," she stops, takes a moment to compose herself, "look, it's just not healthy for you give everything to one person, especially someone who is not a constant in your life."

"It's not only that, Wavey," Rachel bites her lip, "People are starting to...to talk. About you," her eyes drift down, "The same way they talk about Wynonna."

A hollow pit settles in Waverly's stomach. She sits still, unsure what to say. What could she say? Yeah, she may have lost it a little when she thought Wynonna was dead, but they can't fault her for that. 

Can they?

Well, obviously they can. They  _do._ Why else would they be having this conversation? And people are starting to talk? What, she can't even go one month without people assuming the worst?

How is any of this fair?

_They're wrong._

_They just don't get it._

_They don't understand._

Waverly tries so hard to hold onto the anger that stiffens her form but still, there's this lingering voice in her head. It whispers to her, reminds her of things she's labored to forget.

_But maybe they're right._

It's one thought. 

One doubt that causes the flood gates to swing open and suddenly, she's awash. With bitterness, with rage.  Towards herself, towards this town, and yes, even towards Wynonna.

She recalls overhearing a conversation between Gus and Curtis discussing the possibility of having to ship her to the 'bad place' only a week after she had been sent to stay with them because maybe, just maybe, she was as "broken as Wynonna." That was when she had first started pretending, acting like she was okay even in the moments where she was anything but. 

She relives the memory of senior boys cornering her in the hall freshmen year, domineering sneers in place when they asked if she was just as talented with her mouth as her "whore older sister."

She thinks about how hard she had to work to even get the opportunity to try out for cheer squad, to gain a position only the most well liked girls receive, so people would just  _leave her alone._  

  
All of this runs through her mind, over and over again and then finally, that rage, that bitterness diminishes until all that's left is cold. 

Her reaction is swift.

The emotion doesn't have time to settle.

"You guys are totally right."

An impostor assumes her skin.

"Sorry I've been so MIA," the smile she flashes is bright, gives nothing away, "Let do something this weekend!" 

She wants to cry.

But her friends relax, visibly. The tension fades from their forms. The subject is dead. All is well. They can move on. 

_Waverly is not her sister_ , they think,  _Thank God_ , they think,  _Thank God_.

Sonja giggles and bumps her shoulder against Waverly, a familiar gesture, "That's what we like to hear, Wave!" her grin is wide. Mischievous, "There's a party at Colby's Saturday. Maybe you can ask Champ if he wants to be your plus 1?" she proposes in a singsong voice.

Waverly nods along as the other girls begin rattling off suggestions for what she should wear, numb, with a pretty smile frozen on her lips. 

She is a character, a marionette puppet on center stage, all eyes on her. 

Waverly hates herself a little more each day.

**x**

She catches up with Champ after lunch. He's confused but thrilled when she asks him to pick her up before Colby's party. He makes plans to be at her house by 8PM. She promises to be ready by 7:45PM. He seems to get a kick out of that.

By the time school is over, Waverly is drained. She's relieved that there is no cheer practice today. Even the idea of trying to stay perky so as to not to draw suspicion from her peers exhausts her. Dejected, she hides her head inside of her locker as she scroll through her messages. Her face softens when she sees that Wynonna had texted during last period. 

**WYNONNA**

_Dude. I'm craving meat - 2:48PM_

_As in burgers - 2:49PM_

_Not the other kind - 2:49PM_

_I mean, it's been a few weeks but - 2:50PM_

_Yeah, no, I'm definitely talking about food -_ _2:50PM_

_Wave, you gotta feed me before you drag me to the Museum of Natural Borestory -2:50PM_

Waverly's lips lift up into a tender smile. Always joking.

**WAVERLY**

_You don't have to take me - 3:12PM_

Waverly starts to gather her things, periodically glancing down at her phone. She's quick to swipe her finger right when her screen lights up.

**WYNONNA**

_Woah there, little one. Let's not be rash - 3:15PM_

_You can just feed me after. I can survive off these beer nuts until then lol - 3:15PM_

**WAVERLY**

_I kind of don't want to go anymore- 3:15PM_

Surprisingly, Wynonna's response is almost immediate.

**WYNONNA**

_You okay, babygirl? - 3:16PM_

Her heart hurts. A constant. She can hear the words in Wynonna's voice, all gentle, concerned, as her sister stands ready and willing to do anything to help her feel better. Tears prick the corners of Waverly's eyes and she inhales sharply, slaps a palm over her mouth to stop the resulting sob.  She can't break down, not with all these people around. 

The next few minutes are spent composing herself. Paranoid, she checks her mirror one last time before typing a reply to Wynonna. After closing her locker, she smiles as best she can, crosses her arms and heads to the entrance of the school gate. 

**x**

**WAVERLY**

_It's nothing, I'm just tired - 3:21PM_

_I'm coming out now - 3:21PM_

Wynonna frowns as she reads Waverly's text. Anxiously, she bites her thumb and drops her phone in the drink holder. She stares out her car window, feeling restless. 

She  _really_ needs to teach her baby sister how to lie.

**x**

There's something calming about the way cool fingers trail along the blades of her shoulders, warming her skin to the point where Waverly barely notices the chilling bite from the occasional gusts of wind. It's early evening. The sun has started its descent behind them. 

The back of Wynonna's pick up truck is covered with layers of thick comforters which they use to form a cocoon of heat that keeps them safe from the fall air. Waverly brushes her nose against her sisters collarbone, taking in hints of whiskey, smoke, and lavender. The scent is soothing, reminds her of when Wynonna would sneak into her room late at night. The days adventures would linger on her skin, giving Waverly an idea of what her sister had gotten up to before coming to see her. 

They're in the woods just beyond Wynonna's apartment, in a secluded area that Wynonna had discovered one day when she was wandering around, drunk off her ass. Her words. 

There's a persistent ache that only eases when they're alone together. Wynonna is so soft and earnest when showing affection. Waverly lets it sweep over her.

A sigh slips from her mouth as she buries herself further into Wynonna's warmth. Her mind is pleasantly blank. She doesn't want to think.  The thoughts she had earlier - they were so ugly. So bitter. Emotions that should never be associated with her sister. She aims to smother them, choke them out so that the only thing left is the love that courses through her veins for Wynonna. 

"Waves?" 

"Mm?" 

It takes a moment for Wynonna to respond, "Want to tell me what happened earlier?"

The inquiry makes her tense. The urge to flee is strong, sudden. Hits hard. Wynonna must sense the change because she's quick to curl her fingers at the nape of Waverly's neck and draw her even closer.

"Don't run from me." 

A familiar plea. Wynonna says it every time her insecurities start to better her. It's a calming line, the meaning behind it stark and steadying. 

_I'm here now_

_I won't leave you_

_Stay with me_   

There's something different about the way Wynonna treats her now. Something new and exciting.  Between the two, Waverly had always been the more affectionate one. From a young age, she had craved Wynonna's absolute attention only to be met with disappointment time and time again as Wynonna would give her everything but.

Gifts for her birthday, check. 

The occasional text and call, check. 

Visits every other month, check. 

It was never enough. Wynonna had been the embodiment of "caring yet absentee sibling" but now it was almost as if Wynonna can't help but touch her.  

Still, it's a controlled chaos. Like Wynonna is holding something back. Walled off with each swipe of fingers against her skin. The desire to push is poignant but like her sister, Waverly can't quite seem to take that final step into the abyss of whatever it is hiding behind the swirl of dark blue eyes.

Warmth grows in her stomach when Wynonna leans in to press kisses to the side of her face and lift her chin so their eyes can meet. A flush works its way up Waverly's neck and her cheeks feel hot when Wynonna stares down at her, "Tell me what happened, babygirl."

Her heart lurches and her throat feels tight. She _really_ does not want to have this conversation.

Wynonna's grip on her loosens when she makes moves to angle away, always quick to respect the careful boundaries Waverly sets when she needs it. It helps that Wynonna can usually tell when Waverly is pulling away because she actually wants space versus when she's pulling away because she wants Wynonna to chase her.  Waverly shifts onto her back to look up at the trees, lost.  She can feel Wynonna observing her. 

Waverly drapes an arm over her face and releases a sigh, "I'm going out with Champ tomorrow."

Her ears perk up when she hears a sharp intake of breath. She lowers her arm enough to turn and catch Wynonna's eye. Her brows furrow. She can't read anything in Wynonna's gaze. 

"Oh." Wynonna sits up, furthers the distance between them. She reaches over to the cooler at the base of her foot and digs through ice to pull out a beer. Wynonna uses her bottle opener to pop the lid, seemingly unaffected. "Hardy?" 

Cold again. 

Waverly mirrors Wynonna's movements and goes to sit beside her, close enough to touch but not quite there yet. 

"Yeah," she keeps her voice light as she watches Wynonna down half of the bottle in one fell swoop, "We're going to a party."

Wynonna snorts a bit, eyes rolling as she sips on her beer, "First date surrounded by dozens of puking teens. Romantic."

There's a hard edge to her tone, sarcastic, leaking cynicism. This was the Wynonna everyone else was used to seeing. She doesn't understand the change. 

Puzzled, Waverly lets her eyes narrow,  "You said you wanted me to have a normal life," she reminds her.

"I _know_ ," Wynonna practically spits the words, bitter, "but does normal have to mean dating an asshole?" she tips her head back with a small laugh, "actually, yeah, I guess it probably does."

Waverly hates when she gets like this. It's hard to break through the layers of armor that snap into place. Her mouth parts to speak but she wavers when she sees Wynonna press her fingers against closed eyelids. 

"Champ Hardy," Wynonna says his name like a curse, "Isn't that the little fuck that used to pull your braid and spill milk down the back of your shirt?"

It's not a real question. Wynonna knows exactly who Champ Hardy is. Waverly had been the one to stop Wynonna from smashing his face in when she had found her crying because of him one day. The main reason Waverly had stood up and forced him to stop was because she knew if she hadn't, Wynonna would've done something drastic. The last thing she had wanted was her older sister getting in more trouble because of her.

"That was in the 3rd grade, Wynonna. He's changed. He's," she pauses, deliberates on how to phrase this. Settles on something simple. "He's nice to me. I think he really likes me."

A lie to placate. She has no idea how he feels. But it may be an easier pill to swallow if her sister believed she was going out with someone who genuinely cared about her.

Wynonna's face saddens but only for a second. A scowl twists her features as her fingers tighten on the bottle in her hand, "He's not good enough for you, Waves."

Waverly softens. Her heart aches. Wynonna battles with herself in moments like this, when she's angry and upset with Waverly's decisions. And yet, she still tries to be good, tries not to say anything to hurt her. Waverly is once again reminded of how much she adores her older sister.

"You don't think anyone is good enough, Wyn," she scoots closer, unable to bear the distance any longer, "It's just one date," she reassures her as she lifts Wynonna's arm to drape it around her shoulders, "Just one," Waverly leans into her, wraps her arms around Wynonna's waist. She peppers kisses along Wynonna's neck, smiling when she hears her breath hitch, "He's not important," she mouths against her skin.

It takes a moment for the tension to leave Wynonna's body. It drains from her gradually until she's pliable. A hand drops to the small of her back and Wynonna ducks to press their foreheads together, exhaling shakily. They sit like that for a second or two before Wynonna mumbles, "You still haven't told me why you were upset. Unless the idea of dating Champ is enough to bring you to tears, which, trust me, more than understandable."

A laugh escapes her. Waverly is charmed, to say the least, "No, it had nothing to do with him, really," she smiles a little, "just a stressful day. I messed up my presentation in AP Lit. Steph said I should consider getting a boob job to distract Mr. Simmons for next time."

Another half truth. Stephanie  _had_ said that. Not as upsetting as she makes it seem.

But Wynonna hums, seemingly accepting the excuse. She sets her beer down so she can cup Waverly's cheeks with both hands. Wynonna holds her gaze before raising up to kiss her forehead, "Remind me to hit Stephanie with my car."

Waverly giggles and tugs at Wynonna's arm, causing her to fall forward with a yelp, head landing on Waverly's chest. The tips of her ears turn red. They always do when she's embarrassed. Another way she endears herself to Waverly. Waverly runs her fingers through silky hair and clinches Wynonna to her. 

"Waverly."

Peering up at the dark sky, Waverly waits with bated breath. When Wynonna does finally speak, her voice is kind, understanding, "You don't have to tell me what happened. But whatever it is, know that I'm here."

Her eyes drift shut. Waverly wonders if she's easy to read or if Wynonna just knows her tells by now. 

Regardless, this is a secret she'll hold close, one that she will keep far, far away from her sister. Waverly can protect Wynonna from this at least. 

She'll keep the knowledge of how somewhere, _deep_ down, there's a resentment that echoes in the chambers of her heart.

For now. 

**x**

**_everything over affects me_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out, I've been super busy with work. Appreciate any support this chapter gets and look forward to reading what y'all think.


	5. She puts the weights into my little heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - Obstacle 1 by Interpol

**x**

Wynonna is skilled at lying.

So skilled in fact that it's become second nature. 

After all, why be honest when her truth is everyone else's lie?

So she lies consistently, absentmindedly. Since she was 15 and realized honesty would get her nowhere. To survive, sometimes you have to do things that are deemed dishonest, dirty, wrong. 

Its something Wynonna had learned to accept so that her baby sister wouldn't have to.

Because Waverly is _not_ skilled at lying. She's easier to read than an open book. Waverly is so bright and clean and  _genuine._ It makes it hard to look at her sometimes, let alone touch. 

Waverly is just  _so_  good. Wynonna doesn't deserve her.

As much as it hurts to think about, maybe it would be better if Waverly did get a boyfriend. Then Wynonna would have no choice but to get over these sickening desires that only seem to grow stronger with each passing day.

Waverly would be taken, happy, with someone who could give her everything Wynonna couldn't. 

It's how things should be. 

It's what Wynonna should want for her.

Right?

**x**

Wynonna scowls at the few patrons who stumble around the bar, loud and annoying as they get drunk off of shots of whiskey. It's only 11AM but Shorty insists they open up as early as 9AM to get in those sorry fucks who can't stand the prospect of being at home with their nagging wives and dead marriages on a weekend. 

It would be a disheartening sight if Wynonna wasn't used to it. No judgment. She's all for day drinking, has probably been drunk before 10AM more times than she could count but its hard to focus on anything when weepy men make it their mission to hit on her and drink the bar dry.

She sighs and pulls out a rag so she can start wiping down mugs. A way to keep her hands busy. As she runs the cloth along the glass, her mind starts to wander back to her time with Waverly from last night. A ghost of a smile plays on the corner of her mouth before disappearing completely when she remembers what today is.

_Oh right. Waverly's going out._

_With a guy._

_Great._

Wynonna wishes she could be happy for her. Her baby sister, going on her first  _real_  date. It's something well adjusted teenagers do. Not like when she was a teen, getting boys of various ages off in the grassy area behind school. Waverly deserved more than that and she should be glad that her sister is actually getting the chance to do something as ordinary as a date.

Happiness is the furthest thing from how she's actually feeling though. Out of all the guys Waverly could've picked, it had to be Champ Hardy. 

_What kind of name is Champ anyway? Fucking stupid._

Wynonna's mood steadily declines the longer she thinks about him. She's well aware of what kind of 'man' Champ Hardy has grown into. She's seen him in this very bar, hitting on, picking up and being picked up by women twice his age. He comes in few times a week, always with a smug smile in place and this air of conceit. 

Unfortunately, there is nothing she can do about it. As much as she'd love to kick his priggish as out, Shorty likes the kid so he gets a pass. Apparently Shorty is friends with Champ's father also. 

Small town nepotism. Gotta love it.   

Still, she hadn't bothered sharing this knowledge with her younger sister. Maybe she should have given her a warning but...something had stopped her.

No, not something. 

She knows exactly why she had kept her mouth shut. Last night the image of that sleezeball getting to have Waverly in a way she herself couldn't had enraged her to the point of silence. 

It enrages her  _now._  

Is this what jealousy is?  Something hot stabbing at your insides? 

Wynonna doesn't trust herself. She understands that anything more she could've said to try and dissuade her sister from going out with Champ would've been from a place of envy and resentment. 

Which wouldn't have been fair. 

For her entire life, all Wynonna had tried to do was what was best for Waverly. But she can't do that with how she was feeling right now. 

Wynonna contemplates screwing around. Maybe she just needs a good fuck to get her mind right. But even the notion of being with anyone other than Waverly is unappealing.

"Are you going to clean the other glasses or is there something special about that one in particular?" 

Wynonna simpers at her Aunt's question. It's the first thing Gus has said to her all day. Wynonna muses on what could have prompted Gus to finally break their unspoken truce to stay out of each other's way. Maybe her Aunt was tired of berating her over every little thing and wanted to have an actual discussion? 

Doubtful.

Still, she resists the urge to roll her eyes and plasters on a wide smile as she inclines her head back, "I was just making sure the glass was  _extra_  clean. Would hate for the jobless patrons to have to deal with dirty dishes along with the alcohol poisoning."

Gus tilts her head with an expression that shows she's not amused. Which is fine. Wynonna can be amused enough for the both of them. 

"It's a joke, Gus," she snickers, "Ever try making one?"

She returns the mug to it's proper position on the rack and makes a show of going to pick up another, hoping that Gus would take the hint and leave. 

"Did Waverly tell you she's going on a date tonight?"

Wynonna's eye twitches. So much for that. 

"Yep," she pops the 'p' at the end, "I'm well aware." It's a stupid question. Waverly has spent every day with her for the past month. Of course she'd know where her baby sister is on the one day they're not together. 

Whatever game her Aunt is playing, Wynonna's not interested in participating.

Gus hums, nonchalant, "She seems pretty excited. Went to buy a new dress with Chrissy Nedley and Stephanie Jones this morning."

Wynonna finds herself slowly growing annoyed by Gus's presence. Is her aunt deliberately trying to bother her or did Gus just happen to decide that talking to Wynonna about her baby sisters dating life was a good way to bridge the gap when it came to their issues?

"I'll bet," Wynonna heaves a sigh, "I'm sure Waverly will have a _great_  time with that scrotum faced loser."

"Ugh, _l_ _anguage,_  Wynonna," Gus huffs, adopting a familiar chastising tone, "Your sister is lucky such a nice boy has taken an interest in her."

The statement rubs Wynonna the wrong way. It's so small town. So _sexist._ Waverly is more than that. She would have thought out of all people her Aunt would know better than to repeat that asinine rhetoric to her.

_Especially_  to her. 

Seems like Champ only frequented the bar on days that her Aunt wasn't working. 

Coincidentally. 

Wynonna sets the cup down harshly and turns to face Gus, who looks at her with a brow raised in challenge. She leans back against the counter and crosses her arms, "Lucky, huh?" she scowls, "Yeah, okay. Waverly can do so much better than that manchild."

"Mm, maybe," Gus eyes sweep over her in distaste, "But it's not like she's been given much of an opportunity to go out with boys her own age. Seeing as she's with you every day."

There it is. The shot. Wynonna had been waiting for the attack ever since Gus approached her. Normally she can shrug off Gus's criticisms, but today this one hits its target square on. Wynonna glowers, "And what exactly was Waverly doing before I came back into town?" she doesn't wait for an answer. Instead, Wynonna shakes her head and pushes off the counter, "God, give me a break. Not my fault Waves has been auditioning for the role of Virgin Mary minus the play for the past two years."

"Well, it doesn't help that you are monopolizing all of her free time -"

"You act like I'm  _forcing_  Waverly to hang out with me," Wynonna cuts in incredulously, baffled as to why they are even having this conversation. It's been a month. She'd thought Gus would've gotten over it by now. 

"It's not like I'm taking her to trap houses to shoot up or-or getting her plowed off of wine coolers, Gus. We're literally watching re-runs of Buffy at my place," a chuckle bubbles up in her, "and when we  _are_  feelingadventurous, I pull out the Scrabble board," Wynonna relays in amusement. She's beginning to find this entire situation funny, in a fucked up sort of way. 

Of all the times to question her intentions with Waverly. 

What a fucking joke. 

Wynonna sets her hand on her waist and straightens her back, "Listen, if Waves wants to go out with those little sociopaths she calls friends, that's perfectly fine with me," she assures as she makes a sweeping motion with her hand, "If she wants to go out with Chimp Hardly, that's  _fine._ Whatever Waverly wants,  _I'm_ _,_ " Wynonna points a finger at herself, "cool with. So save the fake concern for someone who cares," her shoulders lift as if she were saying 'oh well', _"_ because I don't."

Gus steps back at her outburst. It takes her a moment to gather herself. She inhales deeply before letting it out, "I'm not just saying this for Waverly's benefit, Wynonna. It wouldn't hurt for you to go out and meet some people. It's not  _normal_  for an adult to only have a teenager as a friend."

This time Wynonna rolls her eyes openly, no longer caring if Gus sees, "Newsflash, Gus. Kind of hard to "meet people" when you're known as the town freak," Wynonna says with a mocking lilt as she grabs her rag and faces forward, "Now while I so love your pep talks, I gotta get back to polishing my mugs."

It's a dismissal. Wynonna does her best to ignore Gus even as she stands there prattling on. Only when she senses Gus give up and exit the room does she relax. 

Why her aunt can't let her be?

Wynonna's not stupid. She knows that her relationship with Waverly is not normal. 

But what is in her life? 

The conversation has done nothing but agitate her. Brings forth insecurities and doubts she attempts to smother in wit and self deprecating humor. Running would be so much easier. It's her first instinct, to leave and get her filthy self as far away from her baby sister as possible. Because despite her claims, Wynonna _is_  afraid

The love she feels practically pouring out of Waverly whenever they're alone together scares her. It's intense, consuming but more than that, it's a reflection. A blurry one, but a reflection none the less. Sometimes, in quiet moments, there's a hint. A tease. That maybe Waverly's feelings mirror her own, in someways. But then she chases those thoughts away, forces them down. 

If she starts believing that, she'll fuck up and do something they would both regret. At the end of the day, Waverly admires her the way younger sisters often idolize their older siblings. With rose tinted glasses. Waverly treats her like she's worthy of something more than what almost everyone in this piece of shit town has told her. 

_Why can't that be enough?_

It's a question that's been racking her brain for days now. Every word they share, every touch, every kiss. It's all deliberate. Wynonna goes to painstaking lengths to ensure that Waverly doesn't figure out the disgusting things she longs to do to her, things an older sister should never even think of in relation to their younger siblings.

Still, there's a line she has to teeter with Waverly that she can't help crossing. Even if it's just the toe of her foot over.

It's hard to be good when Waverly is so responsive to her touch, so  _willing_ , impatient almost. Like she craves everything Wynonna gives her and more. 

It makes Wynonna think about fucking her. 

The concept is vile, unsettling. 

Frequent.

She thought about it last night too. Sliding a hand along Waverly's leg and asking in a gentle, coaxing voice if she could touch her lower. Waverly shivering against her, nervous. Wynonna promising to take care of her as she kissed Waverly's neck, sweetly rubbing the curve of her thigh, saying  _please, babygirl?_ until Waverly reluctantly opened herself up and let Wynonna inside.

_Disgusting._

Wynonna feels sick. To ruin Waverly the same way she's been ruined?  She could never do that.  _Never._  Not to her baby sister.

A text alert disrupts her depressive spiral. Somber, she dries her hands and reaches over to look at her phone. It's a message from Waverly. 

She hesitantly opens the text, brow rising when she sees that Waverly sent a picture. 

**WAVERLY**

_Hi sis :)! -11:18AM_

_This is what I'm wearing tonight. What do you think?? - 11:18AM_

It's a dress. Tight, snug. Light blue. It conforms to the shape of Waverly's body attractively. A rush of heat goes through her and settles in her lower stomach. 

Wynonna wants to bend her over something. 

Her fingers quiver as she types out a guarded, neutral reply.

**WYNONNA**

_Looks nice, Waves - 11:19AM_

There. That'll do. That's enough. 

Waverly's text comes a little slower this time.

**WAVERLY**

_Oh - 11:26AM_

_I mean, it's not really my first pick - 11:26AM_

_Do you not like it?_ _\- 11:27AM_

_Steph says it makes me look fat_ _\- 11:27AM_

_Do you think it does? - 11:27AM_

_I'll try on something else - 11:27AM_

Yeah, okay, no. 

Screw being cautious. 

**WYNONNA**

_T_ _h_ _at Regina George wannabe dresses like she's trying out for a spot with the Cheetah Girls. Not the best person to be giving fashion advice - 11:27AM_

_You look gorgeous, Waves - 11:28AM_

_Stunning_ _\- 11:28AM_

_All the time but especially in that dress - 11:28AM_

_Too pretty almost. You looking that good for Champ? - 11:28AM_

_He doesn't deserve it - 11:29AM_

Wynonna's cheeks flush, heart throbbing as she hazily stares down at her phone. She said too much. Always, _always_. But she can't help it. Not when Waverly's insecurities are so blatant. There for her to see, to yearn to fix.

**WAVERLY**

_You really mean it?_ _\- 11:29AM_

_You promise you're not just being nice? - 11:29AM_

Waverly can be so needy sometimes. So desperate for approval. 

For validation. 

It makes Wynonna want to give her everything and more. 

**WYNONNA**

_Yeah, baby - 11:33AM_

_I promise - 11:33AM_

_You're perfect_ _\- 11:33AM_

_So perfect - 11:33AM_

_Everything about you, okay? - 11:34AM_

Eyes closing, Wynonna carefully sets her phone to the side and releases a shuddering sigh. She palms her head as she leans against the counter, feeling dizzy.

This is too much. 

It's not enough.

Maybe she will go out tonight. 

**x**

The party is fine. 

Fun actually. Which is a surprise. Even before Wynonna had come back into town, Waverly had not been one for partying. She loathed the loud music, the overcrowded living rooms filled to the brim with sweat soaked bodies. Hated how handsy some of the boys could be, made brave off of cheap liquor. Nothing about the experience was enjoyable. Though she still made sure to attend each one her friends wanted to go to. Mostly for appearances sake. Sometimes because she really did just want to feel like a normal teenager. 

Champ is funny. Simple. Easy. Waverly can work with that.

He hovers over her still form, tucked away in a secluded corner, shielding her. Trapping her? His arm pressed over head. They're close enough to kiss. He chats a little bit here and there with his boys but his focus always returns to Waverly. The red cup in his hand is still full. He's sober.

Champ's the hottest guy at the party and he's with  _her_. Waverly Earp. She's so lucky. Her friends say as much, whisper it in her ear as he stands in front of them, his boys next to him, all on the prowl, a hunt. 

She watches as his eyes periodically run over her, lingering on her bare mid drift and partially exposed chest. Waverly knows what he's thinking. Instinctively, she knows. 

Her mind drifts. Would it be rude to pull out her phone? Probably. Definitely. She's losing it fast. The excitement. It's muted almost, as if it's not really there. The thrill of being out on a date with a boy who seems to like her. Desires her, at least. She wonders if she enjoys the concept of it more than the execution. 

"Want to get out of here?" Champ speaks up, eyes narrowed in a leer.

Waverly smiles, subdued. The apathy is starting to set in. She opens her mouth to respond but is interrupted before the words can leave.

"Ooh, you should go with him, Wave." Sonja prompts in a wheedling tone and knocks their shoulders together.

"Yeah, Wavey, we don't mind." Rachel waggles her brows. Urging. 

"We'll be right here when you get back." Chrissy rubs her arm. Comforting.

"Don't spare any details." Stephanie sips her drink with a chuckle. Goading.

They're less suggestions as they are tests. She feels critical gazes on her. It's not enough that she went out with them. It's not enough that she's here. They need proof. 

Proof that she can fit in. Proof that she's normal. Proof that she's not a freak like her crazy older sister. 

Champ's friends clap him on the shoulder, egging him on, gleeful in their intent.

He smirks, "My jeep is out front," he thrusts a thumb behind him, towards the door that's obscured by rows of bodies pressed up against each other.

Waverly resists the urge to sigh. 

It was never a choice.

Champs palms are sweaty as she slips her hand into his.

She follows him outside.

**x**

They never make it to his car.

Champ's mouth is hot on hers. There's too much tongue but she doesn't stop him, doesn't complain.  He pushes her further against the house they just departed. They're on the side, hidden from prying eyes. His hands are greedy as they grasp at her hips, thighs, ass. Excited. Lustful. He's hard. 

It makes her stomach turn, but not from arousal. She waits to see if the feeling will change. 

It doesn't.

He goes to slide his hand under her dress but she stills his hand. He pulls back enough to raise a brow at her.

Even though she's annoyed, Waverly softens her features.

"I'm still a virgin."

Champ grins, pushes further against her, "We can change that." He's smug. Thinks that just because she said yes to this date that she'll give it up to him. Thinks she's easy. Already conquered. Maybe like her sister would be.

_Has he heard the rumors?_

Her lips purse. The idea of it bothers her. Still, Waverly makes herself smile, suggestive. Seductive. She places a finger on his chest, draws circles into the cloth. "You want me?" she asks, her voice sweet, coy.

He doesn't answer, takes her question as a 'go ahead' and dips his head to kiss her once more. He plunges into bricks as she slips from under him with a laugh.

She hides her hands behind her and inclines forward, tilts her head to the side, "You'll have to try much harder than that, Champ Hardy." 

Champ rubs his sore nose, "Aw, c'mon, Waverly," he whines but doesn't seem angry. Confused more than anything. Shocked maybe. "I thought we were having fun."

Waverly shrugs and spins on her heel, "I don't do random hook ups," she informs him as she walks away, leaving him with a dopey expression. Ignores him as he calls after her.

When she's back in the house, she wipes at her mouth, swipes a finger across her swollen lips with a frown. 

Is her virginity to be used as a bargaining chip as well?

It's exhausting. Waverly feels like she's fading away.

Waverly takes her phone out of her purse and scrolls through her messages, only to be disappointed when she sees Wynonna hasn't texted since earlier. The disappointment doesn't have time to settle. Waverly lowers the phone to her chest, cheeks warming. She wishes they could've seen each other today. Her sister had been so sweet, so lovely. Waverly considers wearing this dress for her next time they go out. If only to have Wynonna compliment her like that again. Champ had called her gorgeous too. It doesn't compare. 

She only feels real when she's with Wynonna.

After a moment of hesitation, Waverly texts Chrissy to confirm that Sonja, Rachel and Steph are busy. It's an impulse, a split decision. She turns on her heel and exits the door she just entered. 

Right now, her desire to see Wynonna is stronger than her need to fit in.

**x**

Wynonna stumbles into her apartment at 2AM, drunk off her ass from the 5 shots of tequila she had downed in an attempt to drown out the ( _vile, vulgar, depraved_ ) thoughts that have been constantly circulating in her mind. 

Shorty had let her off early. Could tell she wasn't really there. She had been a bit more hostile with the patrons than usual. He told her it was bad for business, suggested she go home and sleep off the attitude. She halfway took his advice. Sleeping off a binge was way more fun than going to bed sober and angry.

She had turned off her phone hours prior, not wanting anything, anyone,  _Waverly,_  to interrupt her descent. It was all she could do to not be selfish. Seemingly spurred on by her words, Waverly had only sent more pictures. 

After the third image, Wynonna had told her she needed to focus on work and that they would talk later. Deposited her phone in the drawer under the bar and forced herself to pay attention to her job. It took every ounce of her negligible self control to leave Waverly alone for the night. 

Anything more from her baby sister, and she would've begged Waverly to come to her place instead of going on her date. Wynonna had even composed the messages. Saved in her drafts.

_Fuck that guy, Waves_

_Don't go out with him_

_I'm more important, right?_

_You love me more than you could ever love him, right?_

_Stay with me tonight_

_Stay with me forever_

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

Waverly isn't the only one who is needy. 

A painful realization. 

Best to keep temptation away. 

The room is spinning and she's nauseated but still, this is better. She feels light, floaty. Wynonna bends over so she can untie her shoes. She gets about one lace down before she laughs and gives up. Resigns herself to sleeping in her boots for the night. 

The door to her bedroom opens and she squints as the lamp light flood into the living room. 

“Wynonna?”

Wynonna's heart lurches as she comes face to face with the last person she expected to see. Heat infuses in her cheeks at the sight of her baby sister, bare legged and dressed in one of Wynonna's flannel button ups, brunette hair cascading around her, framing her face perfectly. 

Angelic. 

“Wave,” Wynonna wipes at her face and inhales deeply, “What are you doing here?”

_And where are your pants, woman!?_

Wynonna sways, takes another breath. Grows dizzier by the moment.

Frowning, Waverly doesn't answer right away as she carefully makes her way over to Wynonna and stops in front of her. 

“I was worried about you. You didn't answer any of my texts," Waverly's gaze shifts down and she curls her fingers in the hem of Wynonna's sweater, "or calls,” she adds quietly before lifting her eyes to scrutinize her. “I was right to come over. You look like you're about to collapse.”

"And  _you_ look sober," Wynonna grunts, rubs at her temple, "what kind of partying are you doing, babygirl? I was smashed before, during, and after the party when I was your age," she chuckles, almost to herself, and pats Waverly's shoulder,“Go home, Waverly," she says as she attempts to push past her, "As you can see, I'm fine.” 

She makes it about two steps before she trips. Waverly is there in an instance, gripping her sides, pulling her upright before she can fall. 

“You’re obviously not fine, Wynonna,” Waverly's frown deepens, "you can barely walk," she adjusts herself so she can support Wynonna's weight, “Why did you drink so much?"

Wynonna pushes off and away from her once more, “Just leave me to die in peace,” she whines as she stumbles into the frame of her bedroom door. She leans into it, exhausted, "this is just typical Wynonna, right?" Wynonna hiccups, sniffs, "Alcoholic asshole, batshit crazy screw up, shitty older sister-"

"Stop it."

Wynonna's mouth clamps shut at the command. She swallows, cheeks burning with shame at the hurt she can hear in Waverly's voice. See on her face.

Her eyes squeeze shut.  

_I put that there._

"You know I hate when you talk about yourself like that," Waverly admonishes quietly from somewhere in front of her, placing a hand on the small of her back. “At least let me help you get into bed,” she says softly. 

The undercurrent of worry in Waverly's tone makes Wynonna stiff. She doesn't deserve Waverly's concern. Not with what she's been thinking lately.

Wynonna shivers as Waverly drags her hand along her back to her front where she goes to stand.

Her eyes immediately pop back open when fingers start to fiddle with the buckle of her belt.

“Wait,” Wynonna catches Waverly’s hands and holds them still. Her heart pounds unevenly, “What are you doing?” 

Pale lips part as Waverly tilts her head to peer up at her, “You're going to sleep in your jeans?” She sounds amused.

“Uh, yeah, haven't you heard,” Wynonna forces a laugh as she releases Waverly's hands, resisting the urge to wipe her own on her shirt, “it's all the craze now. Wearing jeans to bed helps increase your circulation. Doctors everywhere recommend it.” 

Waverly hums in response, "Huh, haven't heard of that one,” she murmurs as she presses closer and drops back to the edges of Wynonna's belt despite the attempts at keeping her hands at bay, “Doesn't seem too comfortable.”

"Not about comfort but longevity. Trust me, Waves, I'm an expert at this point."

Giggling, Waverly momentarily abandons her mission and reaches up to palm Wynonna's cheek, who leans into the touch eagerly, "I do trust you, but even that sounds like a stretch to me, Wynonna," she relays sweetly. Waverly grips Wynonna's waist with her other hand before sliding it up along her back, "I told you watching all of those late night programs would give you some odd ideas."

Wynonna grumbles, blush staining her cheeks, "I have nothing but good ideas," she declares as she relaxes in Waverly's hold. Happy the focus was no longer on undressing. She definitely can not handle that.

"You look tired," Waverly whispers as she slowly drags her thumb across the bottom of her eyelids, "let me help you, baby." 

Heart stuttering, Wynonna practically melts at the term of endearment, "Baby?"

It's Waverly's turn to blush, "Yeah, it's just. I mean, you call me that," she bites her lip, demure, "Sometimes. I figured I could-"

"You can." 

The beam Waverly directs at her causes Wynonna chest to expand. Charmed, Wynonna returns her smile bashfully. Waverly makes her feel like a teenager again. For a moment, she forgets to be careful. It's all the opening Waverly needs. 

Wynonna holds her sisters gaze with a hooded stare as Waverly leisurely unbuckles her belt, sucking in her bottom lip when Waverly tugs it off and drops it to the ground next to them. She closes her eyes when Waverly cups her cheeks with both hands. 

"Let's get you to bed."

She nods without meaning to.

With a small smile, Waverly begins walking them backwards, tugging Wynonna forward with each step. Wynonna is docile from her touch, allowing herself to be lead into the room without hesitation or complaint.

Still, it's a bit of a struggle. Wynonna doesn't have the best eye hand coordination when she's sober and right now she's three sheets to the wind but somehow they make it to the edge of the room. Waverly is able to get the zipper of Wynonna's jeans undone and starts to pull her pants down when Wynonna trips. 

Luckily the bed is right there and they both land in a heap on top of the sheets, with Wynonna right between Waverly's thighs. 

A warning sound starts ringing in Wynonna's head especially when Waverly doesn't make any effort to push her away and instead giggles beneath her, legs coming up on either side of her.  Wynonna starts to sit up, to put some distance between them but Waverly stills her movements by palming the back of her neck. 

"Wait. Stay here," Waverly whispers as she stares up at her with so much affection that it makes Wynonna's heart ache. She shivers when fingers sweep across her skin, "I missed you today. Did you miss me?"

Wynonna swallows, thick, choked up. The rhythm of her heart misses beats as she gazes down at her baby sister in longing, "Yeah."

Waverly chews on her lip as red slowly starts to crawl up her face, "How much?" 

Inhaling deeply, Wynonna lowers herself to press her forehead against Waverly's, nudging their noses together, "So much," she palms Waverly's side, right where the shirt ends. Notes how warm Waverly is, how soft she feels. "So much, baby." 

"I wish you had told me," Waverly mumbles as she draws her legs up further, brings Wynonna even closer, "I would've come over instead."

"Mm, probably would've been a bad idea." Wynonna rubs her nose along Waverly's face to the curve of her neck, where she starts leaving small kisses, "You looked so good in that dress, Waves. Wouldn't have been able to keep my hands to myself."

_Too far. Too far. Too far._

"Yeah?" Waverly sounds shy as she asks, adjusting her neck to give Wynonna more access, sighing at each press of lips as she slides her fingers into Wynonna's hair from below, "you really mean that?"

Same question from earlier. A haze washes over her. Wynonna takes a shuddering breath, her mind growing foggier each passing second, "Yeah, babe, I mean it," she affirms as she opens her mouth so she can nip at Waverly's jaw, who whimpers at the feeling, "You looked so beautiful, Waverly," her teeth sink into Waverly's neck, who bucks a little beneath her, nails digging into her shoulders, "So sexy," she soothes the bite with her tongue, ears growing warm at the small whine that comes somewhere from deep in Waverly's throat, "You're so hot, babygirl."

"W-wynonna, I..."

The stutter in Waverly's voice acts as an anchor. 

Wynonna comes back to herself, guilt slamming into her, completely overpowering the warmth that once resided in her chest. 

Her eyes drift shut, pained, "You're everything to me, Waverly. Everything," she chokes out as she slowly starts to ease her hold on Waverly's waist, "I'll never do anything to hurt you."

Wynonna delivers one last kiss to Waverly's neck before moving up and off of her despite Waverly's attempts to keep them together. She collapses next to her only to turn on her side and curl up into herself. Wynonna covers her mouth as revulsion pulses through her. 

_Monster._

She beats this word in her head over and over again until the flick of arousal that had unwittingly flared up is stomped out and the only thing left is nausea mixed with apathy. She wants to throw up. Up until this point, the daydreams have been only that-daydreams.

But this was different. 

How far would she have gone? 

_What's wrong with me?_

Wynonna tenses when Waverly shifts nearer, the bed creaking as Waverly carefully touches her shoulder, "Wynonna? Are you okay?" Waverly rubs the area tenderly, "Do you want me to get you some water?"

So sweet, so unassuming. Waverly has no idea how close Wynonna was to completely losing control, no idea how much Wynonna wants her. 

Her throat closes up. Tears that prick the corners of her eyes but she blinks them away. 

"Uh, yeah," she coughs, deliberately gripping her head, "Water. Can I have some food too. Please?"

"Oh, honey," Waverly squeezes her shoulder comfortingly, "Okay, I'll go make you something."

Wynonna keeps still until she hears the soft click of the door. Only then does she allow her tears to fall, letting them soak the bedspread beneath her.

_You're fine_ she tells herself as she grips a pillow to her,  _It's fine. I stopped. I'm okay. It's going to be okay._

The lies come so naturally. 

Maybe one day Wynonna will actually believe them.

**x**

After making sure Wynonna is taken care of, Waverly gently shuts the door behind her with a promise to be back soon and makes her way to the living room on shaky legs. She flops back on the couch, right side up. Her body thrums with nervous energy, stomach twisted up in knots. She feels lightheaded, breathless. 

Her cheeks flush when she shifts her legs. She knows if she were the reach down right now, her fingers would come back wet. Waverly has never felt this way before. This...excited. 

This turned on. 

It's easier to think now that they're not alone in the same room together. Now that she doesn't have dark blue eyes peering at her or eager hands gripping her waist, soft lips and sharp teeth against her skin, warm body pressing into her and -

_Oh_

Waverly bites her lip. Everything clicks into place.  As if the problem she's been slowly ticking away at finally has all of the components needed to solve it.

Now she  _gets_ it.

That feeling that's missing with Champ? That's been missing with everyone?

It's been right in front of her face, all along.

_Wynonna thinks I'm hot_ Waverly licks her lips as her fingers play with the buttons of her older sisters shirt,  _She thinks I'm sexy_ she starts undoing them one by one until she lays bare on the couch. 

_Does she want to fuck me?_

The thought makes Waverly whimper. Heat pulses through her. She reaches up to squeeze her breast and pinch her nipple. 

_Would I let her fuck me?_

Slides a hand beneath her panties, shivers as her thumb brushes along her throbbing clit _._

Yes.  _Yes._  She would. 

Waverly swallows, arching her back. She thought something was wrong with her because no one was able to turn her on. Well, clearly, _something_  iswrong with her. But it's really hard to listen to the voice screaming  _what the flip?_ when her head is foggy and all she wants to do is stop the ache between her legs. 

She slips inside. There's no resistance as she slides through, tightens in a vicelike grip. She thinks about how long and smooth Wynonna's fingers are. How many would Wynonna use? More than one, probably. Waverly presses another finger inside of herself with a whine. 

What if Wynonna caught her right now? Would Wynonna climb on top of her, like she did in the bedroom? 

How hard would she make her take it? 

Waverly is dripping. Touching herself thinking about her older sister touching her. She shudders. It's so wrong.  _So_  wrong. 

Vile. Disgusting. Sick.

She doesn't care. Not right now. Not when she wants to cum. Not when she wants  _Wynonna_  to make her cum. 

It's over way too soon. 

Waverly bites down on her tongue as wave after wave of pleasure washes over her. She has to stop herself from calling out Wynonna's name. She shudders, body relaxing. Sinking back into the couch. Her fingers are slippery as she languidly strokes them up and along her pussy lips. 

She gazes up at the ceiling, hazy. There's guilt but not enough for her to stop rubbing herself as little aftershocks flow through her.

Everything culminates in this moment. 

It all makes sense.

She gradually pulls her fingers out of herself and holds them in front of her face. 

Soaked. 

Waverly gets it now. Her tongue peeks out to lick before she slips them into her mouth with a moan.

Finally, she gets it.

**x**

_**and she gets in my room and she takes it apart** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, the feedback has been absolutely amazing. Honestly, no joke, the support I've gotten has been such a blessing and a surprise as well. It's because of all the insightful, encouraging and speculative comments that I've received that I was able to write this chapter. Thank you for your continued support and I cannot wait to see what you all think of this chapter.


	6. You and I were made for the garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - Birds by Maggie Koerner

**x**

Wynonna blinks, bleary eyed and dry mouthed as she wakes up. The first conscious acknowledgement is that of pain. Her head is _killing_ her. It keeps in pace with the pounding of her heart.

"Oh, God..." Wynonna croaks as she reburies her face in her comforter. Her throat is dry, scratchy. Her eyes still sting from her little crying session from this morning. Last night? She has no idea what time it is.

No matter how much alcohol she consumes, Wynonna still gets wicked hangovers after a bender. Even years later. She's been drinking since she was 14, she had hoped her body would have adapted by now.

Guess not.

She lays in bed until the pounding lessens into a pulse and only then does she attempt to move. Her hand immediately comes into contact with paper and she hesitates before curling her fingers around it. Wynonna lifts her head enough to glance at the sheet clutched in her grasp.

There's writing on it. A note from Waverly maybe? She brings it closer and peers at the words through hooded eyes.

_Hi, sweetie!_

_I left a couple of things at Rachel's before the party so Chrissy is on her way to pick me up and we might get breakfast after I grab my stuff. I'm going to see if she can drop me off back here when we are done._

_I made you something to eat before I left. I put it on the table, along with Advil and water. Make sure you drink the entire bottle._

_Text me when you're awake so I know you're okay._

_Miss you,_

_Waverly._

It's sweet. Wynonna's lips twitch up into a gentle smile. She carefully maneuvers herself onto her back and sinks into the bed with a huff. Wynonna re-reads the letter several time, lingering on the _sweetie_ and _miss you_ until her stomach rumbles, reminding her that it's been hours since she last ate. She inclines her head back to see that Waverly did indeed leave her food.

Eggs, bacon and a bagel preserved in plastic wrap. A small bowl of sliced apples. Fork easily in reach.

Her baby sister really does spoil her sometimes.

After a bit of a struggle, Wynonna manages to sit up in bed, holding her bagel with one hand and her phone in the other as she scrolls through her messages. The plate rests on her thighs. She chews slowly as she clicks on Waverly's name and starts to type a message.

Before she can finish, Wynonna freezes. Cringes as her memories come back to her, fully registering her actions from the night prior. Regret tightens her chest and she almost chokes on her food at the feeling. Wynonna drops her phone to palm her head.

_Fuck._

She messed up last night. So bad. So, _so,_ bad.

Telling Waverly she thinks she's hot. Okay, sure, whatever, maybe she could have played that off. But calling her sexy? Biting and leaving hickeys on her neck?

Jesus Christ.

What a mess. Wynonna squeezes the area between her eyes in annoyance, willing herself not to cry again. What good are tears when there's no one to blame but herself?

Wynonna sniffles and takes a deep breath. She can salvage this. Waverly doesn't seem mad. The opposite of mad, actually. Made her breakfast in bed even. Wynonna takes a moment to glance at the note again. No indication of disgust or rage in the letter.

She uses this information to calm herself. Waverly doesn't know. Hasn't figured out her attraction. It's fine. Everything is fine. She'll just have to try harder next time they're alone together.

_Should_ they be alone together?

As much as she adores when it's just the two of them, maybe it would be better if they limited their interactions to public places.

Wynonna frowns. The idea of not being to touch and hold her babygirl like she wants depresses her. But this is for Waverly's sake. To keep her safe. Protected from her monstrous desires.

At least until Wynonna gets a handle on her feelings.

If she can even do that.

She sighs, disheartened, and picks her phone up to hit send.

**WYNONNA**

_Thanks for breakfast, babygirl - 12:03PM_

_And sorry about last night - 12:03PM_

Wynonna tosses her phone away and finishes her food even as her stomach roils from unease. She leaves the empty plate beside her and burrows herself in her covers, using the pillow as a barrier as she squeezes her eyes shut.

Maybe she should tell Waverly to stay away.

Maybe _she_ should stay away.

Which heartbreak would be easier to recover from?

It's all a choice now.

What decision should she make?

_Later_ Wynonna thinks _I'll deal with this later_

**x**

"Wynonna?" Waverly calls out as she cracks open the door of her sisters apartment. When there's no answer, she lets herself in and shuts the door behind her. Waverly leaves her bag on the floor and hangs her coat on the rack.

She does a cursory glance of the room. There's no indication that Wynonna has left. Her eyes lands on the couch, face warming when she remembers what happened there a few hours prior. She looks down, her stomach a mess of nerves, and hurries to the kitchen to fix herself a glass of water.

As she sips on the liquid, she tries to calm her racing heart. Last night had been a revelation. She finds herself reevaluating every encounter, every word and touch between her and Wynonna. It's exciting, the 'what if' of it. The appeal of sex was something that had been lost to her for so long but now she can't _stop_ thinking about it.

It doesn't help that she's wearing Wynonna's shirt, paired with some ripped shorts she had left here a few days ago. The shirt hangs over her, enveloping her frame, the cloth rubbing along her skin and reminding her of something Wynonna had let slip after she had first spotted Waverly in one of her hoodies.

_I love how you look in my clothes, babygirl._

At the time Waverly had found the admittance sweet but looking back on it, she remembers how Wynonna's eyes had darkened. How the hold on her waist had tightened.

She shivers.

When they cuddled, Wynonna's hands often settled on her waist just over Waverly's ass. Sometimes on it. The placement was almost automatic at this point. Waverly could climb into her lap, wearing one of Wynonna's shirts and nothing else. Wynonna would notice right away if she wasn't wearing any panties.

Waverly would make it easy for her. _So_ easy.

How long would it take her sister to break if Waverly sat on top of her, legs slightly spread, getting the front of her jeans wet and messy?

She'd be embarrassed if she weren't so turned on.

Even with her friends, Waverly had been shifting and squirming in her seat, eager to come home to Wynonna but also anxious when she imagined what might happen between them. What she _hopes_ happens.

Waverly wonders if she should be freaking out more. Wanting to have sex with your older sister - not exactly normal. 

But it feels _right._

As eager as Waverly is to explore the sexual aspects of their relationship, she knows that for her, its more than that.

Waverly is only 16 but she's pretty sure she's been in love with the same person since she was old enough to comprehend that the ache in her chest was longing and now even the thought of Wynonna's attention being on anyone else makes her feel like she can't breathe.

She can only hope that her sister feels the same way because for Waverly, it's always been Wynonna.

Always, _always,_ Wynonna.  

The Wynonna who would hug Waverly to her, lips pressed against her ear, voice soft as she recited Waverly's favorite nursery rhymes in an attempt to drown out the screams of anguish from their mama when their daddy would beat her.

The Wynonna who would bandage up her knees, scrapped from when Willa would trip or push her, and kiss her cheeks until sobs turned to giggles.

The Wynonna who would hold her hand and take her to the corner store to pick out any candy she wanted after she got an A on a test.

Wynonna, who has done everything in her power to protect her, watch out for her and make her happy.

There's no one else she can imagine sharing her first time with. Wynonna would make it special for her. Would pick her apart, piece by piece, leaving her bare and aching.

All of her friends are falling for boys with wry smiles, but try as she might, Waverly can't begin to understand what the fall is like when her feelings are constant, steady and consuming.

After the descent, there is only Wynonna.

Waverly takes a breath, fingers splaying around the shape of her cup. She stares at the clear liquid for long minutes before releasing her hold on it so that she can turn and walk the short distance to Wynonna's room. Waverly hesitates just outside, hand hovering over the door knob, knowing that nothing would be the same after today.

She opens the door.

**x**

Wynonna rubs a towel through her hair as she walks out of her bathroom, pausing in the doorway when she notices Waverly on her bed. Her eyes sweep over her baby sisters form, lingering on the hickey she can see peeking out beneath brunette locks. Waverly is _still_ wearing her shirt. It extends over her legs, covering whatever she may have on underneath it.

Her sister is so beautiful that Wynonna has to resist the urge to sigh, so as to not give Waverly the wrong idea. As glad as she is to see her, that happiness comes at a cost. A familiar ache spreads through her as her heart starts pounds, heavy. But the disgust is still there, the self hate. The doubt. It's all swirling inside of her, a whirlwind of unsavory emotions.

A double edged sword. Wynonna wishes she could see Waverly and just be happy without everything else weighing her down.

Wynonna licks her lips and hangs her towel over her shoulders, "Hey, Waves," she says, managing a slight upturn of her lips. Waverly looks up from her hands to smile at her. Shy. Bashful.

"Hi, Wynonna."

The affection around her name makes her heart skips a beat.

Wynonna rolls her eyes at herself. A sap.  She rubs the back of her neck and slowly starts inching towards her bedroom door. Almost subconsciously, the impulse to run strengthening each passing moment.

Her plans are put to an end before they can fully form when Waverly pats the spot next to her and motions for Wynonna to 'come here.'

"Sit with me?" Waverly asks, voice soft, pleading.

It drapes over her like blanket, drawing her in. Wynonna's feet move almost of their own accord and she drops down next to Waverly with a huff only to fall back onto the bed, arms spread out, avoiding contact, "I didn't get the chance to ask seeing that I was pretty wasted last night but, your date. Did you have a good time?" Wynonna rambles though she attempts to keep her tone neutral.

That's right. Draw the focus away. Get a handle on things before any more damage can be done.

"Uh, sure," Waverly says as she follows her movements with a turn of her head. A swift reply. She sounds confused. Probably wondering why Wynonna was even asking. "It was fine."

Wynonna closes her eyes, "Ah," she hums as she raises her hand to rub the area between her eyes, "and did Champ keep his hands to himself?"

This time the answer comes much slower. The delay in the response makes Wynonna's stomach tighten. She props herself up on her elbows to frown over at Waverly.

"Babygirl?"

Wynonna takes her in, noting the bitten lip, the downcast gaze. Fingers winding around a strand of brunette hair. All nervous habits.

Anger starts a slow burn in Wynonna's chest. She draws up, maneuvers closer to Waverly's shifting form. Her palm rests on the bedspread behind her sister.

"Waverly."

Waverly purses her lips as she lifts her eyes to meet Wynonna's, their gazes locking. Wynonna's brow rises at Waverly's expression. There's something there. Curiosity mixed with a hint of amusement. Wynonna's not sure what the joke is. Nothing about the idea of Champ anywhere near her baby sister is funny.

"He kissed me," Waverly admits with a ghost of a smile, "A few times"

The anger climbs to a boil, spills and washes over her. Wynonna glowers, head turning, fingers curling into the covers beneath her, "Oh."

Her emotions are running rampant. Jealousy, rage, longing, fear, sadness. Wynonna can't get a handle on them. She's stewing in it all.

"He thought I would have sex with him," Waverly continues, muted. Dull. As if she were talking about the weather, "After just one date. I know he expected us to. He was surprised when I said no."

So specifically vague. It was maddening.

Wynonna cuts her gaze to Waverly, "He's an asshole," she states bluntly. Her head inclines forward to gently knock against Waverly's, "A _huge_ asshole. You deserve more than that, Waves," she inhales, "You deserve everything, babygirl."

Maybe this would be easier if this was just sex for Wynonna. A simple 'oh, yeah, I want to bang my sister. Weird but whatever' Maybe it would roll off of her shoulders then and she'd dismiss it as another part of her nutty imaginings. But if the ache in her chest is any indication, Wynonna is starting to think she's very much in love and the reality of wanting someone she absolutely cannot have is quite possibly the most painful thing she's ever had to experience.

Nothing in her life could ever be uncomplicated.

"I missed you," Waverly murmurs. A hand goes to settle on the tense muscle of Wynonna's forearm, "Last night, when I was with him. This morning, when I was with Chrissy," fingers slide along her arm to the back of her neck and curl around it. There's a small tug and suddenly Wynonna's closer, so close that their noses brush together, "I hate being apart from you."

Wynonna releases the breath she'd unwittingly been holding, feeling very much the same. Her baby sister had only been gone for a few hours. Not enough time to warrant the longing that pulls at your chest when you haven't seen someone for a while. And yet, she had laid in bed, watching the clock, waiting in anticipation for Waverly to come home to her, all the while berating herself for it.

"Me too," she admits quietly, reaching over to rest her palm on top of Waverly's hand, "I always miss you," she sighs, eyes closing. She was supposed to be distancing herself, not bringing Waverly closer.

Wynonna hates how weak her desires make her.

The kiss comes as a surprise. Her mind doesn't have time to register what's happening. Waverly presses against her, draws her closer, thumb reverently stroking along the back of her neck. Wynonna sinks into the embrace. For a moment, there's no doubt, no hesitation. In this instance, nothing else exists.

They're living in a world alone.

The sweet little sigh Waverly lets out when Wynonna brushes her tongue against Waverly's lower lip is what cuts through the haze. She pulls away like she's been burned, almost falling out of the bed in her haste to get away.

"Shit."

The curse slips out unwittingly. She covers her mouth, face burning.

_I kissed Waverly_

Everything comes to a halt.

_I kissed my little sister_

Remorse tightens her chest, makes it hard to breathe.

The panic starts to set in.

What kind of person is she? What kind of _sister_ is she?

Maybe the demons should have killed her instead. Maybe she should have turned Peacemaker on herself after she shot their father.

How could anything be okay when she's the thing that's wrong?

Waverly blinks, fingers resting delicately on her bottom lip. She frowns and stares up at her, "Wynonna, I," she swallows, eyes fluttering as red shades her cheeks,"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"No." Wynonna holds up a finger to stop her. Her heart races as anxiety flows through her, "It's fine.  _Nothing_ happened," she asserts as turns to her dresser so she can pick up her leather jacket. Fingers trembling, she slips it on and sweeps her hair out from the collar. She keeps her gaze fixed on the button of her sleeve as she starts to adjust it, "I forgot that Shorty needed me to do a few things around the bar. I won't be back tonight. You should go home, Waverly."

There's a finality to her tone.

There would be no back and forth on this.

At least that's what Wynonna had intended. 

" _What?_ " Waverly releases a breathless, disbelieving laugh, "You can't just -" she pauses when she sees Wynonna's helpless expression. She bites her lip, "Wynonna."

" _No_."  

The desperation in Wynonna's tone surprises them both. Shocks Waverly into silence. A second passes. Wynonna inhales deeply, "Waverly," her brows furrow together as the words get stuck in her throat. She drags a hand over her face, "We can't _do_ this."

"Why not?" Waverly hastily stands from the bed, "Why can't we?" her voice cracks mid sentence.

Wynonna doesn't answer. Instead, her eyes lowers as she angles away, "You should go home, Waverly," she repeats numbly.

"You don't mean that," Waverly frowns and wrings her hands together, "You said you missed me, right?" she asks, meek, as she takes measured steps towards Wynonna until she's standing beside her. Hesitantly, she runs the tip of her finger along the knuckle of Wynonna's palm.

When Wynonna doesn't move, Waverly encloses her hand around hers, "Hey," she ducks her head in an attempt to catch Wynonna's eye, "It's okay." she promises as she reaches out to carefully lift Wynonna's chin, "I know what you're thinking," she presses closer, "You didn't do anything wrong. _I_ kissed you."

Wynonna does pull back at that, shaking her head as she puts space between them, "You shouldn't have," she frowns and slides her hands into her pockets, "Why did you?"

Waverly's nose wrinkles. Adorable. Puzzled.

"I wanted to."

The statement causes Wynonna to wince. That's what she was afraid of.

"You're my sister, Waverly."

"I know."

"You're only 16."

"I know."

"I mean," Wynonna releases a nervous chuckle as she rubs the back of her neck, "you're still in high school."

Waverly rolls her eyes a little, "Are you just going to bring up things I already know or did you actually have a point?" she asks with a raised brow.

Wynonna scowls, eyes narrowing, "Watch it, kid," she warns quietly.

Scoffing, Waverly crosses her arms. Sets her jaw as she peers up at her, "I'm not a child, Wynonna," her brows furrow together, "and I'm not stupid either," the corner of her mouth lifts into a small smile, "This thing that's happening between us? I _know_ you feel it too."

That's as close to an admittance if any. Wynonna's ears burn as her heart starts to race. She hadn't expected this. An acknowledgement that maybe she's not the only one with this _ache_ , gnawing away at her.

But Wynonna can't let herself give in.

After all, what kind of future could she give her baby sister?

It's not like she could take her out on dates, at least not anywhere public. She wouldn't be able to kiss her out in the open, where anyone could see. Wynonna remembers how Waverly used to run around the house, all bright smiles as she showed off pictures she had drawn of herself in a wedding dress.

They can't get married, wouldn't be able to have kids.

They could never build a life together.

So for Waverly's sake, she had to push her away. To give her a chance to have what she deserves.

Besides, Waverly is still young. She can't possibly understand the implications of her words. Waverly has never even been beyond the borders of the small town she lives in. What does she know about how the world works? Waverly is mistaking the adoration she has for a sibling with romantic love.

Yeah, that has to be it.

Wynonna won't allow herself to believe otherwise.

Mind made up, Wynonna forces out a derisive laugh. Rocks back on the heel of her foot with a shrug, "Honestly, the only thing I feel right now is annoyed," her lips curl up in a goading smile, "slightly hungover," she cracks her neck as she starts to winds around Waverly, "and _bored,_ " she punctuates the word with a head jerk in her sisters direction, "with this conversation."

Waverly flinches like she's been struck. The look she gives her makes Wynonna want to die. She doesn't allow herself to stop and fully take it in, "I mean, this little fantasy you've conjured up?" Each word is like acid on her tongue, "It's all in your head," she taps at her temple.

By the time that Wynonna makes it to her bed room door, Waverly is trembling. Shoulders bunched together, hands balled up tight.

Wynonna swallows down the bile that rises to her throat as the sight of Waverly in so much pain. Her eyes sting as she holds the door open, " _Nothing_ is happening between us." she digs her nails into the wood panel, "It was cute when you were 12, Waves, but the sister complex _,_ " she clicks her tongue, "starting to get a bit out of hand." she rests her head against the frame of the door.

She hates this. She hates this so much.

It has to be done.

"I think it's about time you grew up," she finishes in a monotone voice.

Another flinch. Good. She has to make it hurt. Hurt so bad that Waverly has no choice but to let her go. Wynonna has been holding her baby sister back for so long. _Selfishly_ , keeping her all to herself.

Sullying Waverly with her mess.

It has to hurt.

Wynonna watches with bated breath as the shaking gradually lessens until it stops completely. Tense shoulders lower, hands relax. When Waverly turns, Wynonna is surprised to see that her face is still dry.

Dread fills her. The fact that Waverly isn't crying worries her more than a full break down would have. She takes an involuntary step back.

It takes a minute for Waverly to respond. When she does, she laughs, light, airy, "You know, you can be really mean sometimes." She turns her glare onto her, "But you and I both know that trying to push me away has never worked."

Waverly looks more resolved than ever. Wynonna suddenly feels very tired.

"The thing that sucks the most about this, Wyn," she looks Wynonna square in the eye, "Is that you, of _all_ people, are trying to tell me that something isn't real."

Wynonna sucks in a breath, the words like a punch to the gut. It's a low blow. The conversation is riddled with them. What hits even harder is that she knows Waverly is right.

Her throat closes up as Waverly brushes past her, stopping in the doorway long enough to look over at her, eyes shining with disappointment.

"Pretend all you want, Wynonna, but don't expect me to play along," Waverly frowns, "I'm not ashamed of my feelings for you." She sweeps her gaze over Wynonna once more before walking out the room.

Wynonna closes her eyes. Bites her tongue to keep from calling out to her. Only when she hears the slam of the front door does she move. Wynonna sinks to her knees, wrapping her arms around them. Buries her face between them. Tears in slow descent.

_I did the right thing._

_It would never work out._

_We can't be together._

_I did the right thing._

Wynonna repeats this in her head over and over again.  Grief spreads through her, overwhelming her.

Her heart hurts.

It's breaking, piece by piece.

Pushing Waverly away was the _right_ thing to do.

It was. It _was._

So why does Wynonna feel like she's falling apart?

Stripped bare. 

Aching.

**x**

**_but you and I were destined to fall_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter BUT next chap after this should be up soon. Once again thank you for all the comments, love and support. You guys are amazing. The comments and feedback have been the best. 
> 
> All love.


	7. You and I may end where we started

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - Birds by Maggie Koerner

**x**

Time passes in a blur for Wynonna. The names of bars blend together until they're a smudge before her eyes. The only people who've checked in are Waverly, who she avoids, and Shorty, who cares just enough to not fire her ass after the third no show. He tells her to take the rest of the week off to get her shit together or he'll be in the market for a new bartender. 

The threat leaves her unfazed. She has enough money saved up from her...

From before, in Chicago. 

Still, she likes Shorty. She likes _Shorty's._ Wynonna knows the backlash he received from hiring her. She appreciates it but at the end of the day, he's just another name on the long list of people she's let down.

Even if anyone else had checked in, she wouldn't know it. Her phone is in pieces. It had slipped out of her pocket one night when she had stumbled her way home at 4AM. She had fallen asleep on the yard beside her place, either too drunk or too stupid to climb the two flights of stairs to her apartment. When she awoke, she had found herself on her back, staring blankly up at a bright sun, birds chirping and her phone scattered in the middle of the parking lot.  
  
There was no downside to it. It offered a gateway to a welcome reprieve. Waverly had been calling and texting non stop, the tone of the messages shifting from understanding to pleading to angry and back again. Persistent in her attempts. After the second time she had dropped by her place unannounced, Wynonna had opted to stop coming home. Craven. Cowardice.  
  
On brand.  
  
She couldn't stand it. The look on her baby sisters face. The frustration. The worry. The heartbreak. The alcohol dulled her senses. Made her hazy. But she couldn't forget. Waverly's pain, a permanent fixture at the back of her eyelids.  
  
It would be easier to leave town. Roll out onto the open road like she had done so many times before. Sign to Purgatory in her rear view mirror as she drove off to nowhere. Anywhere?  
  
Everywhere.  
  
It would be easier.  
  
**x**  
  
Time passes slowly for Waverly. Monday is the worst of it. Waverly is a ghost, a passenger to the girl everyone wants her to be. The mask slips on so prettily, her smile bright and engaging. Nothing is real. Her friends sit on either side of her, snickering as she recounts a grand narrative. Waverly Earp, the tease. Coquettish. Leaving Champ Hardy hanging, hard and hopeful against a bricked wall. They approve. Even Stephanie is impressed.  
  
And like that, she's back in their good graces.  
  
Thursday comes. Champ slinks up to their table at lunch. Hands in pocket, bag slung over his shoulder. Focus purely on her. He asks her out in front of everyone. Her friends gasp, giggle, bump their shoulders into hers.  
  
Saying yes is easy. He takes her to the movies and then the ice cream parlor. They have only similar classes in common, and even then, a stretch. He can't relate to her AP courses, her thoughts on feminism, on fables, but he listens, feigns attentive. She makes sure to smile when he talks about upholding the Hardy name on the football field.  
  
It's all very boring. Mundane. Neither of them are really there. But they try. And after, when he drops her off at home, she kisses him. He melts into her and that's when she realizes, he's hooked. Captured. Spun into a web that she's so carefully woven.  
  
She kisses him because she's hurt. She kisses him because she's resentful. She kisses him and deepens it, spiteful, petty. Because this is normal. This is her life. The life Wynonna wants for her.  
  
A pretty girl alone with a pretty boy with empty feelings living up to standards that are set for them. 

White teeth teens.  
  
His mouth is not as soft, nor are his hands or his finger splayed along her waist.  
  
A bitter taste lingers on her tongue.  
  
**x**  
  
Monday again. Wynonna hasn't moved from her couch all morning. Her ankle rests on her knee. She balances a cup of whiskey on her thigh, tapping a finger against the glass. The bottle clasped in her other hand so that she can refill at a moments notice.  
  
Her suitcase rests against the wall next to her coat rack. Bare essentials tucked away. Car keys on the table in front of her.  
  
Her destination - Unknown.

When she's gone, it'll be for good. She'll make sure to never see Waverly again.  
  
The only guarantee that she won't give in.

She rubs the area between her eyes. For a moment, she's tired of herself. It's all very dramatic, isn't it? Everything between her and Waverly, intense. Overwhelming. Real. She spirals in and out of control, unable to stop. 

It's only been a week. Wynonna is miserable without her sister and she hates herself for it. To have her happiness so intrinsically tied to a person that she can't function without them. But it isn't just some person. It's _her_ person. Waverly. The only thing that keeps her going. The only reason she had enough incentive to stay alive all this time. To keep going, keep fighting despite how dark things had gotten.  
  
There's a knock.  
  
Frowning, she looks over at her front door, wondering who it could be. She knows it's not Waverly. School is still in session. Weeks ago, Waverly had sat in her lap on this very couch, combing over a textbook in preparation for a Literature exam. That test was today so there's no way she had skipped.  
  
Wynonna considers ignoring the person but the knocking only grows more insistent each passing second. Sighing, she sets the bottle down and goes to stand, stretching her neck as she does so.  
  
Whiskey glass in hand, she stumbles her way over, all the while grumbling to herself. Swiping open the peephole, her brow rises when she sees who it is.  
  
She turns the lock and reluctantly pulls the door open. Wynonna simpers, angling her cup forward in way of greeting, "Almost didn't recognize you without your signature cap," she pops the 'P' as she mimes tipping a hat, "to what do I owe the pleasure of this impromptu visit on this lovely Monday morning, Uncle Curtis?" she finishes with a slight grin.  
  
As Curtis laughs, Wynonna takes a moment look him over, noting that his appearance hadn't changed much since she had last saw him. Face a little more worn, some weight gained, but she would recognize that smile anywhere.  
  
It's been over two years.  
  
A sliver of guilt passes through her. She remembers Waverly telling her that Curtis had mentioned her coming by the ranch. Wynonna has been so preoccupied with dealing with her growing feelings for Waverly that she hadn't had the chance to see him yet. Plus, her uncle worked odd hours. He was never around when she would drop Waverly off and they spent most of their time at her place so there hadn't been much opportunity to catch up.  
  
"Your impression of me has always been spot on, Wynonna," Curtis's dimples show as he grins, "Can I come in?"  
  
"Not like I can say no," she sniffs, waves him inside, "Don't ask for a drink though. I only have enough whiskey for one," she warns as she points a finger at him and closes the door.  
  
Curtis rubs the back of his neck, "Ah, it's a little early for me," he says with an awkward lilt to his voice, "I'm not staying for long. I just came to see how you were doing."  
  
Wynonna purses her lips, suddenly suspicious, "And you suddenly decided _today_  would be the perfect day to see your long lost niece after, what, a month of me being in town?" she asks with a tilt of her head, "Interesting timing."  
  
He shifts, obviously uncomfortable. Wynonna grows guarded. She sets her cup on the table next to the door before crossing her arms, "What are you really doing here, Uncle Curtis?"  
  
Curtis clears his throat, "Well, ah, it's about your sister."  
  
Wynonna grimaces, "Which one? The dead one?" she glances off to the side, "Quick update - still dead. Not much else to say."  
  
He sighs, "You always were good at deflecting," he states as he hesitantly reaches over to pat her shoulder, "Your sense of humor was always my favorite thing about you."  
  
"Was?" she chuckles, dry, "Trust me, it's still my only good trait,” she clicks her tongue, pretends like she's thinking, “Well, depending on who you ask.”  
  
A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips, "I would argue that your decision to be here for Waverly is. You've really stepped up, Wynonna."  
  
The praise makes her stomach turn. Wynonna knows she doesn't deserve it. Even before she had fallen in love with Waverly, she wouldn't have deserved it. 

She was a terrible sister.  
  
Her train of thought is broken as Curtis's grip on her tightens. She winces, "Waverly has been spending a lot of time at home lately. Doesn’t talk much. Holes herself up in her room most days,” he pauses. An odd expression passes over his face. “Well, she seems a bit better now.” 

Wynonna's not sure what he means by that. She doesn't care to ask. She doesn't want to hear this. Her willpower is on a tightrope. Just one push enough to push it over until it lands and crumbles into dust.

He continues, seemingly unaware of her reaction, "You know, the first week you were back in town, Waverly came by the ranch," his gaze is far off as he recalls the memory, "Told me that for years, she had been saving up so that she could move out to Chicago after she graduated. She had this determined glint in her eye. Reminded me a lot of your mother, actually," he chuckles softly, "There would've been nothing I could've said that would've been able to stop her from going to find you if you had never come home,” his hold on her slowly loosens, "Waverly asked me to put the money in an account for her since you were sticking around. For college," Curtis scratches his cheek, "Told me that whatever it is she ends up doing, she just hopes she makes enough money to take care of you.”  
  
Her jaw clenches. God, her baby sister is a  _sap_. 

Wynonna loves her all the more for it.  
  
“The way that girl pines after you,” Curtis smiles faintly, “never quite seen anything like it.”

Hearing that hurts. Wynonna's bites down on her bottom lip,  _hard_ , breaks the skin. She swipes her tongue along the cut. 

The sting does nothing to take away from the pain currently seizing her chest.

“That's Waves for ya," Wynonna croaks, tightening her arms around herself, "always trying to see the best in people," she gives him a closed mouth smile.  
  
This is not a conversation she should be having when she's drunk. Or maybe she's not drunk enough. Her throat constricts. She's parched. A longing swells in her chest.  
  
_The whiskey will dampen it. Once he goes, I can..._  
  
Wynonna wishes he would leave.  
  
Curtis hums and takes a look around, freezes on the packed bag. His face is unreadable when he returns his attention to her.  
  
"You should come over for dinner tonight." His voice mellows as his shoulders loosen and lax, "It'd be nice to catch up."  
  
Wincing, Wynonna shifts where she stands. She had planned to head out before sundown.

"Curtis, I don't know if-"  
  
"Least you can do is say goodbye to her," he cuts in, hard edge to his tone. The disappointment is back. "Before you take off again. Least you can do, Wynonna."  
  
Guilt swirls in her stomach. Her chin dips, eyes lowering to the ground. Shame. A constant.

Wynonna inhales and lets the breath out.  
  
"Alright," she concedes, clears her throat, "alright. I'll come over."  
  
It's a lie. They both know it.  

Still, he nods, and goes to turn to the door. “Don't allow her to entertain the idea of you coming back,” he adjusts his coat so it fits better along his frame, “The hope is what kills her."

It's a cruel thing to say.

Her eyes sting.

It's a cruel thing to leave.

Hearing the words out loud is different from thinking them. Wynonna keeps her head down as he opens the door and steps out. Only after he closes it does she speak.  
  
"I'll be there," she whispers.

And like ash in the wind, her resolve dissipates.  
  
**x**  
  
Champ fits right in with the decor of the living room. Staged. Like a prop for a play. Carefully stationed so as to not clash with any of the other furniture. He sits forward, hands clasped together as he talks to her Uncle. His shirt nears the pattern of the blanket that's draped across the top of the couch. His jeans are the same brand as Curtis's. Small town fashion.  
  
It's odd. A boy in her house. There specifically for her. She had only imagined of the day. Scribbled in her notebook, plans of how the meeting would go. The excitement is muted given the circumstance. Champ already knows her Aunt and Uncle. Waverly is barely interested in him.  
  
"You two are cute together."  
  
Waverly rolls her eyes, back turned to Gus. She's heard the line in many variations. The impact is lost. They've only been together for a few days yet people are already associating one with the other. It's annoying, the assumptions being made. They're not dating.  
  
They're just...seeing each other.  
  
There's a difference.  
  
"Mmm." It's barely an acknowledgement. She reaches up to get another glass from the cupboard, tips it forward to glimpse in and make sure it's clean.  After rinsing it off, Waverly grabs a towel to dry it and walks to the dining room table to place the cup in the spot next to her. Champ is staying for dinner. Gus's idea. Didn't even check to see if she was okay with it.  
  
Why wouldn't she be though? Any teenage girl would be thrilled to know her family so readily approves of a boy she's kind of,  _maybe,_  dating. 

If making out in the grassy area behind the school counts as dating.  
  
Sighing, she smooths out a red cloth. She's exhausted. Lack of sleep mixed with general fatigue. Wynonna hasn't bothered to call or text her back. It's irritating. To be ignored after a month of constant affection. 

Wynonna claims she needs space. Waverly refuses to give it to her. 

They're tethering a line.  
  
Only one outcome will occur if she doesn't push.  
  
It's hard to remain calm when the thing she wants the most is slipping through her fingers, dissolving. She glances at the clock with a frown. Waverly hopes dinner isn't too long. 

The doorbell rings. Waverly looks over her shoulder. They hadn't been expecting anyone else, had they? Waverly turns to Gus, whose expression mirrors hers.  
  
Curtis speaks up from his spot on the couch, "Waverly, can you get that for me?" he smiles easy, seemingly unconcerned. She wrinkles her nose and nods.  
  
When she opens the door, her heart stutters and for a second, she feel like she can't breathe. Shock pulses through her and settles low in her gut. Waverly crosses her arms, instinctively closing herself off.  
  
"Wynonna," Waverly's voice comes out colder than she had intended. Dark brows knit together, "What are you doing here?"  
  
Her sister gives her a slight upturn of her lips. As Wynonna palms the back of her neck, Waverly inspects her, scans over her form impassively. Though her heart swells with affection, she allows nothing to show. A  _Styx_  band shirt, leather jacket, ripped jeans. Rings in place, dark makeup. Hair cascading over her shoulders in curls. Waverly takes it all in, commits every detail to memory.  
  
She missed her. Waverly feels like crying. She missed her so much. Wynonna is so beautiful, sharp edges mixed with soft lines. Strong in ways Waverly is not.  
  
It's not fair how her sister manages to still appear so put together when she herself is sinking into pits of depression. _Appear_. Key word. Waverly recalls empty bottles of whiskey strewn around a decimated apartment. Bloodshot, haggard guises. The memory soothes her. The Wynonna before her might as well be a mirage. A facade of composure.  
  
It helps knowing she's not the only one who is miserable. Selfishly, it helps.  
  
"Waves," Wynonna wets her mouth, parts her lips. Waverly doesn't know what to expect. Wynonna pauses, glances over Waverly's shoulder briefly and then back at her, "Uncle Curtis came by my place. Asked me to stop in for dinner."  
  
Neither girl speaks. After a second, Wynonna shifts her gait and smirks, with just a hint of artifice, "Are you going to let me inside?"  
  
The urge to say 'no' is so intense that it makes Waverly dizzy. She progresses forward, invades Wynonna's space completely, pins her with a sharp look, roots her in place.  
  
"You're an asshole." Waverly says in a whisper. She can feel Wynonna's breath against her cheek. Shaky inhalations, red eclipsing the pale skin of her neck. Her eyes flutter as Wynonna's presence washes over her. Feeling safe despite the resentment that threatens to choke her.  "For ignoring me. For pushing me away," her arms circle around herself and she ducks her head, "you're an asshole."  
  
Wynonna's hand grazes the small of her back, right where her shirt meets her skirt. She shivers as soft fingers brush along her skin, "I know, baby” is murmured from somewhere in front of her. 

Waverly swallows, eases backwards. Distances herself from warmth.  
  
She latches onto the bitterness that she's worked so hard to subdue. It digs into the marrow of her bone. Waverly moves aside and allows Wynonna to step over the threshold of front door.  
  
Waverly knows the exact moment Wynonna sees Champ. The contrived confidence she exudes slips away. Shoulders tense. When Wynonna casts her eyes back to her, they're bright. Burning.  
  
Livid is too soft a word.  
  
Vindicated, Waverly has to stop herself from smiling. She’s thrown Wynonna for a loop, forced her off her equilibrium. 

Now they both are on an even playing field. 

Angry over something neither of them have any control over. 

**x**

Dinner is awkward. 

Curtis never mentioned Wynonna coming over to Gus. It’s obvious she’s upset but tries to hide it as she draws Champ into various conversations. Wynonna sits besides Curtis, stabbing at her food. Scowl in place, sullen. When Gus does speak to Wynonna, the questions are short. Wynonna’s answers even more so. Waverly is quiet and Curtis winces between bites. 

Champ is brazen in his displays of affection. He leans over to kiss Waverly on the temple, stroke her hand on the table, wrap an arm around her shoulder. Showing off, indifferent of the fact that they are in front of her family. 

Waverly does nothing to stop him even though Wynonna can tell she hates it. When Champ touches her, there’s always a subtle shift of hazel eyes before Waverly smiles. Wynonna is so in tune with Waverly’s body that she notices every time her sister tenses. No matter how imperceptible it is, she notices.

Wynonna's stomach twists, fingers drawing together in a fist when Champ presses his lips against Waverly's cheek. Rage threatens to choke her. She cants forward, “So,  _Champ_ ,” Wynonna drawls, gaze narrowing, “I was wondering. Do you actually get to play on the field or is the uniform just for show?” she tilts her head, brows raised, mocking, “Saw you handing out rags to the starters. How’s the ‘Towel Boy’ moniker treating the Hardy legacy?”

It’s one snide remark too many. Gus, who had been biting her tongue until this point, shoots up from her seat, palms slamming down on the table.

“I’ve had it about up to  _here_  with your lip, Wynonna. Get out and-"  
  
"’ _Don't you ever come back_ ’ blah, blah, I get the spiel already," Wynonna snorts as she pushes away from the table, chair scraping across the wooden panels. She keeps her attention squarely on Gus as she stands, "I'll be sure not to knock over any chairs on my way out," she says, condescending smirk in place. With a roll of her eyes, she turns and stalks out the dining room.  
  
Her foot shoots back to kick the front door closed after she crosses through the doorway. Wynonna wonders if this is how it'll always end, if she'll ever be fully welcomed into the Gibson household without restraint.  
  
If not for Waverly, she'd be all alone, no family left to find comfort in.  
  
_If not for Waverly..._  
  
She makes her way over to her truck, which is parked right beside the fence in the backyard. Falls back against the car door. With trembling fingers, she reaches into the pocket of her coat to pull out a cigarette and her lighter.    
  
The sun starts a slow descent in the distance. She holds up the cigarette to the light. Wynonna hasn't had one in a month and a half. Didn't want her apartment smelling of nicotine. Even had  _Destiny_ detailed and cleaned out before she came home. 

When they were younger, Waverly would whine and complain about the smell every time she got in her car. Wynonna remembers the last time they had a conversation about it.  
  
_"Those will kill you, Wynonna."_  
  
_"Not really seeing any downsides, Waves."_  
  
Waverly wouldn't speak to her for two days after that. Sometimes she'd forget how upset Waverly got whenever she made self deprecating remarks. After Wynonna had finally convinced her to talk, Waverly had cried in her shirt for ten whole minutes, only stopping when Wynonna had promised she wouldn't make jokes like that anymore. 

A small smile tugs at the corners of her lips.  It's odd. Sisterly affection mixed with romantic love. They blend so smoothly that Wynonna has a hard time differentiating between the two. When did it become like this? 

They work so well together no matter how much she wishes they didn't.  
  
She takes a long drag and parts her lips, the smoke a fog in front of her. Blinking, she angles her head towards the sound of footsteps when she hears someone come up beside her. Waverly raises a brow at her but makes no comment on her smoking. Instead, she crosses her arms and settles along the side of Wynonna's truck. 

They stand in silence, smoke surrounding them.  
  
It's the first time in the week that they've been alone together where neither of them are crying or yelling. It's nice. The urge to flee deadens, momentarily. Wynonna hates fighting with her. Crazy to know that it only takes seconds to calm when she's with her. Wynonna wonders if Waverly feels the same.

"You didn't have to be mean to Champ." Waverly doesn’t sound upset when she says it. Just a statement of fact.  
  
"Hah," it slips from her mouth without meaning to. Wynonna's head tips back into her window, " _That_  was mean?" she asks in a breathless laugh. "Please, he got off easy," she straightens and turns to Waverly fully, her forearm draped on the side of the rim of her car. She leans forward, hand on her hip. The cigarette rests between her teeth as she gives Waverly a wide, contemptuous grin, "Which is fitting from what I've heard. 8 seconds a one hit wonder does not make."  
  
There's a mocking lilt to her voice. Animosity lies just beneath the surface. If it bothers her, Waverly doesn't let it show. Instead, she snorts and draws up further along the truck. Hazel eyes flick over towards her.  
  
"Guess I'll find out for myself," Waverly hums, shoulders rising in a shrug, "most likely sooner rather than later."  
  
Wynonna's throat tightens at the implication. Jealousy, hot and searing, rushes through her. She clenches her hand but the most she does is set it against the side of her car in a faint tap. She's furious, fervent in her indignation. Still, she reigns it in. Wynonna shares many traits of their father. Reckless, foolish. An asshole in many respects. All with a touch of alcoholism and gleeful antagonism. But never will she allow her anger to get the better of her. To lash out aggressively, even if it's not directed at her sister, but around her.  _Never_. Wynonna is her father's daughter but she is not him.  
  
"Seeing you with Champ drives me crazy." It's a selfish thing to say. Beyond selfish. Wynonna doesn't care. "Why is he even here?”  she grits her teeth. The hurt underneath it all seeps through, “Do you know how much of a joke this is?" she pinches the area between her eyes, "I can't even come into the house but a guy you've been dating for three days is welcome to stay for dinner. Jesus, Waverly."  
  
The mask of apathy cracks. Waverly's shoulders slack as she softens, visibly. She moves closer, right beside Wynonna's clenched palm. Waverly rests the side of her head against the window as she peers up at her.  
  
"This is what you wanted, right?" Waverly questions gently, a subtle pull of her lip. An air of exhaustion lingers around her, "I'm only doing what you wanted."  
  
“I  _don't_  want this.” Wynonna's voice is as sharp as an incision, "Why him?  
  
Waverly sighs, tired. Looks away as she grips her elbow. "He's as good as any." she says. Detached.  
  
“Not good enough for  _you_.” 

Why does Waverly have to settle? She wants the best for her sister. Not this. Not some boy who can barely tie his own shoe. Wynonna takes another drag of her cigarette before dropping it to the ground. She crushes it beneath her foot. "You deserve better, Waverly," she grumbles.  
  
A bitter chuckle falls from Waverly's mouth, “You know, you  _keep_  saying that," she huffs, brows coming together in a frown, "but refuse to do anything about it.” Waverly steps closer, "You want better for me, Wynonna?" she asks as she gingerly lays her palm on Wynonna's chest. She presses down, "Then  _be_  better, dummy."

“Waverly,” Wynonna's jaw quivers as she grinds her teeth, overcome with emotion, “I-” she rocks back, inhales deeply.  Wynonna's hands slide into the pockets of the jacket so as to not reach out for her, “I have to go,” she mumbles, casts her gaze to the ground.

"God, Wynonna," the fingers of Waverly’s hand curl into her shirt, "When are you going to just let yourself be happy?" 

Heartache.

Wynonna flinches at her baby sisters distressed tone, torn expression. She closes her eyes to it, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

A cop out.

“You’re hurting me  _now_. This,  _this_ , Wynonna,” Waverly knocks against her chest lightly, weakly, “is hurting me,” she sniffs, lets out a shaky breath, "You're breaking my heart," Waverly says, voice cracking. 

Wynonna doesn’t respond. Can’t respond. What she wants to say and what she should say war against one another. 

_Better to not say anything_ , she thinks. 

Better to let Waverly's hold on her fragment.

It only takes Waverly a second to get the hint. She laughs, a despondent, empty sound. Defeat colors Waverly's features. She lets her hand fall away to her sides, “Fine, Wynonna. Just..." Waverly wipes the back of her hand against her eye, "Fine." 

Watching her walk away hurts. Wynonna wonders if this is what it was like for Waverly. Every time Wynonna would skip town, Waverly would be at her side right until those final minutes. Putting on a smile no matter how much Wynonna knew it pained her to see her go. 

Wynonna slumps against her car and slides to the ground. Her knee props up as her other leg stretches out in front of her. She stares vacantly up at the sky, unable to bring herself to move.

That's how Curtis finds her, some time later. He shines a flashlight on her. If he's surprised to see she's still here, it doesn't show. He walks forward, stops right beside her leg.  

"Rough night?"

Wynonna smiles without meaning to. Her head knocks back into the tire of her wheel as she lifts her legs to wrap her arms around them. 

"Those are the only kind I have."

"Mm," Curtis nods, scans the area before looking back down at her, "I'm sorry, Wynonna," he says with a sigh, "I should've told Gus you were coming," he pauses, shakes his head, "I should've said a lot of things."

The regret in his voice is palpable. It makes Wynonna uncomfortable. "It's fine, Uncle Curtis," she mumbles, "Not that big of a deal. Besides, I'm the one who made things weird."

"That's not the only thing I'm talking about," he chews on his lip, "You know, I've been debating with myself on whether or not I should say anything but I...  _honestly_ , Wynonna, I don't want you to leave," he frowns, "This last month is the happiest I've seen Waverly in years. I don't want her to go back to how she was before." Curtis removes the box he had tucked under his armpit, which Wynonna hadn't noticed until now, and lowers it to her, "So before you do something both of you regret," he nods at it, "You should take a look at this."

Brows furrowing, Wynonna stares at the box for a moment before hesitantly reaching up for it. She sets the box down next to her and angles her head down to gaze at the contents of it, "Letters?" she whispers. Her nose wrinkles up. She pulls out an enclosed envelope. 

It's addressed to her, 'WYNONNA' all caps, faded letters. She rifles through the pile. They're all addressed to her. Dozens of letters marked with varying quality of penmanship. Some spellings are drawn in red crayon. Other in neat, black ink. 

Tentatively, she returns her gaze to him, "What is this?"

For the first time since he came by, Curtis looks away. His back straightens and he slips his hands in his jean pockets. His mouth parts but he doesn't speak. Several emotions play across his face but the one that stands out the most is the one that she so readily identifies with.

Shame.

Curtis clears his throat, "When you were committed," he starts quietly, "Waverly had asked us if there was, well, if she could see you," he rocks forward, "When we told her she couldn't, she...shut down," he reaches up to rub the back of his neck, "After the fourth day, I suggested she try writing to you."

A cold pit forms in Wynonna's stomach as she starts to get an idea of what she's holding. Her eyes dart back down to the box. Waverly wrote all of these? She's having a hard time wrapping her mind around it. 

There were _so_  many. 

She frowns. Waverly had never mentioned writing to her. As sporadically as they saw each other in the last 6 years, it had never been brought up, not once. 

"Why didn't she say anything?" she mumbles, confused as she carefully opens the envelope that appears the most dated. 

The words are faded but legible. 

_Hi Wynonna_

_Its me Waverly_

_They wont let me see you but Uncle Curtis is teaching me how to spell so I can write you. Remember that bunny rabbit calendar you got me?  Every day I mark of a box. I dont know where you are but Im going to do that til you come home._

_Miss you. Hope we can talk soon_

Her fingers tremble. Out of everything she had expected, nothing could've prepared her for the onslaught of emotion that slams through her. Wynonna flicks her finger along the paper, needing a moment to gather herself. She takes a breath and returns the letter to the box so she can pick up different one. 

_Hi, Wynonna_

_School started today. I want to say things are okay but you told me I should always tell you the truth even if I think it will make you mad. Some of the girls were really mean to me and I dont know why. Im trying not to let them get to me. Do you think they leave me alone if Im nice? I dont know. I did make a new friend though. Her name is Chrissy. She is really nice and plays with me during reces. It was fun but I really wish you were here. I miss you._

_Is it normal to be this sad without you?_

And another.

_Hi, Wynonna_

_It's been a year now. I'm starting to think Uncle Curtis isn't sending my letters.  Would he do that? I'm not sure. Maybe you're just busy. Or maybe you're just tired of me._

_I'm sorry if I'm being annoying, but I can't help it. I want to see you so badly._

_I miss you. I miss you so much. I never stopped. Not for one second. I've missed you this entire time._

_So write me back, dummy. Just once. If you do that, I won't bother you anymore._

_I just need to know you're okay._

Wynonna stops. She can't finish it. It's too much. 

The ache is unbearable. 

When Wynonna was in that hospital, sometimes she'd curl up in a ball. Tucked herself in the corner of a locked room, clutching at her head as she tried to sort through jumbled memories, fried from her electroshock therapy. The only thing that had kept her sane was the thought of her baby sister's smiling face. Happy. Living a normal life, safe, protected. Away from everything bad. 

Away from her.

After all, what was she other than a burden? A stain on the Earp name. An ugly reminder of all the things that had gone wrong in their lives.

Even when Waverly would tell her she loved her, Wynonna had taken the words at face value. Waverly loves everyone, everything. Her heart is so damn big that it scares Wynonna sometimes. It's why she's so protective of her. The younger girl lets people in too easily. Forgives too quickly. 

Loves too freely. 

So there was no way Waverly could miss her as much as Wynonna had missed Waverly. But these _letters_? 

Dozens upon dozens. 

It wasn't even a stretch to imagine that they all painted a similar picture.

A somber one. 

A reflection.

Because Waverly's feelings -

They seemed very much like her own.

Deep, vast, overwhelming. 

_Constant._

It's a startling realization. 

Waverly never forgot about her. 

It seems kind of obvious, thinking on it now. 

Did Wynonna hate herself so much that she had actually deluded herself into thinking Waverly didn't need her?

No, that wasn't it.

Maybe it was just a easy lie to swallow. 

Better than having to live with the idea of her baby sister miserable without her.

Her fingers slowly start to close around the paper in her hand, though not enough to crush it.

"You kept this from me." 

It's not a question. Wynonna lets fury simmer in a slow burn.

Any affection she may have had for him - gone. 

It's funny.

The way how you view a person can change so drastically. 

"Me and Gus decided that it would be too traumatizing for her to know where you actually were," Curtis shifts his weight to his other leg and taps his foot. Nervous habits, "and that it would be better for her if there was no contact. We wanted to give Waverly a chance to heal. To move on."

Wynonna can barely fathom what he's saying. She had stayed away because she thought Waverly was happier without her. That's what she had been told. That's what she had been  _told._

A caustic laugh slips out of her mouth, " _Damn_ , and tell me, how did that work?" she slaps her knee as she struggles to stand. Rights herself against her truck. "Seems to me the 'moving on'" Wynonna says using air quotes, "didn't go exactly as planned seeing that Waverly's been with me, what," she pretends to speculate on it, "every single night since I've come back to town?" she gives a sardonic smile.

The image of her baby sister waiting for her to respond to her letters only to be disappointed, time and time again - 

"Did you  _really_  think it would be better for her to believe I didn't give a shit about her?" Wynonna is so angry that she can't help but laugh. Ridiculous. The entire thing is so frustrating. 

Self inflicted exile on the assurance that Waverly was better off.

Fucking ridiculous. 

The fact that Waverly still cares about her is a miracle in itself. After everything, after  _everything_ , Waverly still loves her. 

Jesus.

"You kept her from me," Wynonna rubs the area between her eyes, feeling a headache coming on, "You and Gus. The both of you. You lied me to. You told me she was fine. You told me she was doing good. Happier than ever," her eyes start to sting, "You convinced me that she was better without me. God," she runs the hand down down her face, aggravated beyond belief, "I should've taken her and run."

"Wynonna-"

"It's fine, Curtis," Wynonna interrupts, holding up her hand to stop him. She doesn't want to hear any excuses. As far as she's concerned, it's a dead topic. He's a dead subject. Wynonna wants to say she understands but she can't. She's too selfish, too upset. They kept her from the one person in the world who loves her as much as she loves them. 

And for what?

For  _what?_

"Well, I mean, it's  _not_ ," she chuckles, though nothing about this situation is funny, "It's pretty fucked up actually." Wynonna takes a deep breath. Her heart feels like it's breaking all over again. " You know I'm never going to forgive you for this, right?"

A wounded expression crosses Curtis's face, "I know you're not happy with us," he states, voice low, "I get that. But, Wynonna, you have to understand. Everything we did, we did for Waverly's sake." 

A familiar line. 

Hearing it from someone else is jarring. To decide what is and isn't right for Waverly without consulting her first, actively going against Waverly's desire even when she's begging you not to. 

So condescending. 

Belittling even. 

Is that how she sounds when she says it? 

Wynonna finds herself questioning everything. She feels sick.

When it's clear she's not going to respond, Curtis swallows and takes a step back, "Well," he palms his neck again, "If you do decide you're still going to leave, I hope you let us know where you end up."

Almost unintentionally, her lips curl up into a callous smirk, " _Yeah_ ," Wynonna drags the word, " _If_  I do," she clicks her tongue, "I'll be sure to write you."

The intent behind her words is clear. Curtis nods, slow, solemn, before he turns to walk back into the house.

Wynonna closes her eyes, sighs as she sets her elbow on the rim of her trunk. She rests her head against an open palm, drags a finger along her temple.

For the first time in years, Wynonna isn't sure what she's supposed to do. Everything is muddled, hazy. But there's an image that stands out, clear, amongst the wreckage.

_This thing happening between us. I know you feel it too._

Her baby sister has always been the braver one.

Wynonna doesn't know how she can possibly fix something like this. 

But she knows what she  _wants_  to do. 

Maybe she'll start with that. 

**x**

The sun finishes in its descent. 

It's dark out. Waverly can hear the rustle of leaves, crickets chirping. She sits, hunched over her desk, cheek pressed against her knuckles. Her eyes are glazed over as she stares down at her homework, unseeing. 

Her phone lays on the table next to her hand, the screen black. She had turned it off as soon as she had made it into the house. 

Best way to avoid temptation was to not have a line to it. 

Waverly assumes her sister is long gone now anyway. She tries not to think about it, knowing that if she does, she'll break down again. Waverly is so tired of always crying over Wynonna. 

There's this swirl in her stomach, this sick twist of her organs.  
  
Avoidance, alcoholism, departure. Boxes ticked off in her mind. The spiral remains consistent. She's reminded of all of the times her sister has voluntarily left her and all she feels is -

Anger.

An awful choked up feeling rises in her chest. It's frustrating. Wynonna punishes herself for something she can't help and in turn, punishes her.

Maybe the feelings  _are_ all her own. It's the second time Wynonna has rejected her. Is she really that undesirable? Waverly wishes she could move on. For the first time ever, she wishes that these feelings would disappear. If only it were that easy. 

If only. 

_Thwack_

Waverly jumps at the sound. Frowning, she glances towards the window where she sees a shadowy figure.

Familiar. 

It can't be...can it? She doesn't dare let herself hope. Waverly waits for another signal, which she gets in the form of her sisters voice.

_"Waves, I know you're in there. Open up."_

Hazel eyes narrow. Waverly scoots her chair back and stands, wiping her palms along the front of the pink track shorts she's worn for bed. Her fingers tremble from nerves. 

As she heads over to the windowsill, she has to work to keep her face blank. Waverly contemplates not opening the window. Thinks of pretending that she didn't hear and slipping back under the covers of her bed where she can escape and dream of a life where her sister never left her. 

A life where Wynonna actually  _stays_  when Waverly begs her to.

She draws the shuttering glass up and takes several steps back. 

Waverly watches as Wynonna attempts to climb through her window. 

Nostalgia. 

The nights that Wynonna would come to see her have long passed. It was so simple back then when the most Waverly had to worry about was their Aunt and Uncle catching Wynonna in her room after she had been banned from the house. 

Which she technically still was.

A string of curses slip from Wynonna's mouth as she struggles to get a leg over. Airy, Waverly has to bite her lip to keep from laughing, "Having trouble there?"  
  
A glower is shot her way, "Just give me a minute," Wynonna grumbles until she eventually settles and reclines along the sill, her palms gripping the worn panels.  
  
Blue eyes flicker as Wynonna looks around, seemingly taking in the scenery. Boy bands and animated posters replaced with periodic tables and calendars detailing future events. Stuffed animals replaced with throw pillows, though the teddy Wynonna had won for her at the fair when she was 5 still sits propped among them.  

A touch of sadness dims Wynonna's features, "You've really changed, Waves."  
  
"Yeah, well..." Waverly trails off, staring to the side, "I'm not 13 anymore, Wyn."  
  
Wynonna laughs a little, chin dipping, "Trust me," her gaze darkens as it sweeps over Waverly's form, lingering on a bare mid drift for a half a second before shifting away. She palms the back of her neck, "I've noticed," she acknowledges quietly.  
  
Heat blossoms in Waverly's cheeks at the undertone of affection she can hear. She clasps her palms in front of her, lacing her fingers as she rocks back on her heels. 

A hush settles over the room.

Waverly lowers her eyes, "I thought for sure you'd be gone by now," she mumbles, a hint of sadness in her voice.

Wincing, Wynonna shuts an eye as a breathless laugh tumbles from her mouth, "That would make for a pretty predictable story." She gives Waverly a small smile, "I thought it'd be nice to play something other than the bad guy," Wynonna shoulders lift in a shrug, "For once."

Crossing her arms, Waverly chews on her bottom lip as she considers her sisters words. After a moment, she sighs, "You know you've only ever been in the hero in my book, Wynonna."

Blue eyes soften considerably. Wynonna angles back to sit on the windowsill.  She hunches forward, kicks a leg out, "I don't know how to do this, Waverly," Wynonna utters, subdued.

Dark brows knit together as Waverly takes her in. Frown deepening, she strides over to Wynonna and leans against the ledge next to her, "Do what?" she questions, soft. Searching.

Wynonna glances at her briefly before looking forward, "Be around you without wanting more."

Waverly's heart jumps. Though her stomach flutters with nerves, she makes sure to keep her face neutral as she waits for Wynonna to continue. 

An air of uncertainty surrounds her as Wynonna palms the back of her neck nervously, "All I've ever wanted was to do right by you, Waves," she discloses hesitantly. She turns to Waverly with a pensive expression, "did I completely screw that up?"

Tears brim in Waverly's eyes at the sorrow she can hear in her voice. Times like this remind Waverly why she's always so quick to forgive her older sister, no matter what wrong Wynonna may have inflicted on her. 

She reaches over to rub Wynonna's shoulder, "No," Waverly squeezes down gently, "You didn't," she reassures as she goes to stand in front of her, both hands clasping around one of Wynonna's, "We'll work through it, Wyn," Waverly smiles sweetly, "we always do."

Wynonna swallows and nods, once, twice before shuddering and lowering against her. Waverly carefully withdraws her hand to set it on the back of Wynonna's head. Fingers slip through thick curls and Waverly laughs a little to herself as she brings Wynonna even closer. It takes a moment for Wynonna to speak. 

"I can't stand the thought of you with someone else," Wynonna admits brokenly, somber as she lifts her gaze to meet Waverly's. Blue eyes shine with remorse, "I can't stand it."

Waverly's throat tightens at the confession. She draws her bottom lip in her mouth as she shakes her head and brushes her thumb reverently along Wynonna's cheek, "You don't have to," she asserts as she presses her forehead into Wynonna's.  She inhales shakily, "Do you remember the promise you made me?" Wynonna's breath is warm as she occupies her space completely. Waverly waits for Wynonna to nod, which she does, hesitantly. Waverly's lips lift in a gentle smile, "You promised you'd always take care of me. That you'd give me anything I wanted," she reminds her as she traces a finger down to her chin, "but, Wynonna, I want this _,_ " a hushed chuckle leaves her, "I want  _you_ _._ " Their noses graze. "All I've ever wanted was you."

A tremulous laugh falls from Wynonna's mouth at that and she sniffs, palm coming up to close around Waverly's wrist, "I'm sorry," Wynonna's throat bobs, her grip tightening as a sob wells up in her, "I didn't mean to fall in love with you, Waverly" her eyes squeeze shut, "I didn't mean to-"

"Shhh," Waverly hushes as she draws Wynonna into her. A tear wets her cheek. It takes Waverly a second to realize it's Wynonna's, "It's okay," Waverly murmurs before she kisses her. Firmly. Hurriedly. Hoping Wynonna can feel the depth of her emotions. She drags her tongue along her sisters bottom lip, which parts in a small sigh. Waverly swallows the sound. 

They breathe each other's air, unsteady exhalations, their hearts in a slow mend. Waverly pulls back enough to trail kisses on Wynonna's jaw, "Never apologize for loving me," she starts in a whisper as she slides a hand down Wynonna's bicep, melting into her. Steady arms wind around Waverly's waist. 

Warmth permeates her senses.

Waverly takes a deep breath, "Honestly, Wynonna," she sets her temple against her sisters, "I think we both know," she pauses as she skims her fingers along the cut on Wynonna's mouth and smiles at her shyly, "we were only ever crashing towards an inevitability."

**x**

**_but you and I were never too small_ **

**x**

You and I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOO. This one was a doozy to write. I'm genuinely interested to see what everyone thinks. Once again, your support means the world to me. Honestly, the comments are what keep me going and inspire me to write. I know I keep saying that but for real, it does help a lot to see what you guys are thinking. Shout out to magpie for working through ideas with me and Trisha for hitting me up on twitter about my fic, giving me that extra push needed to finish the chapter. 
> 
> On that note! I do have a twitter. Follow me @baileyrhapsody - https://twitter.com/baileyrhapsody  
> I also set up a tumblr that I've done 0 things with LOL - http://baileyrhapsodyfics.tumblr.com/
> 
> LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH.


	8. Darling heart, I loved you from the start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - Hardest of Hearts by Florence + The Machine

**x**

"An inevitability, huh?" Wynonna's eyes close as she repeats the words softly. The ache in her heart holds steady. The implication of it all frightens her. If Waverly’s claim is true, it would mean that her sister never actually had a chance at a normal life. Leaving had only served to fuel the longing, this constant gnawing at her chest.

All the pain she put them through-

All of it, for nothing.  
  
Her eyes water at the thought. Wynonna shuts out the onslaught. How many times was she going to cry tonight? So annoying. Wynonna wipes at her face with the back of her sleeve, wishing the tears away.  
  
How can a shared love cause so much heartache?

Wynonna presses the side of her hand against her mouth and nose as she considers what this may mean for them. Things will be difficult. She's never been good with dealing with emotions but this is new territory. They’ll have to be careful, with what they say, how they act with each other around other people. It’ll be hard for Waverly. It'll be hard for _her._

Choosing to stay is probably the scariest thing she's ever done.

How can she be good enough for Waverly when she's not even good enough for herself?

She feels a gentle tap on her cheek. Wynonna’s nose wrinkles as she peers up at Waverly, who smiles down at her sweetly. Hesitantly, she returns the smile, feeling shy under an adoring gaze. 

Holding Waverly's gaze, she lowers her hand from her mouth and reaches out to set it on her sisters waist, giving Waverly enough time to move if she wanted to. Waverly shivers under her touch. Wynonna wonders if it's because of the rings on her fingers, still cold from the outside, or because of something else. Something more. She gently tugs, encouraging Waverly to come closer and angles in a way that allows her ear to flatten on Waverly's chest.  
  
The sound of her sisters heartbeat is soothing.  
  
Calm. Her worries momentarily ease. She lets out an unsteady breath.    
  
The pads of Waverly's fingers brush along the column of her throat comfortingly and curl around the back of her neck. Her name is whispered in her hair. Wynonna lifts her head just in time to catch Waverly in a kiss.    
  
Wynonna's reminded of honey.  
  
When they were younger, Wynonna would hide jars of it under her bed. Fresh from the Patterson's farm, a consolation prize for black eyes and bruises.  
  
Ward Earp's temper was not unknown. Only unchallenged.  
  
On nights after Ward would pass out from a binge, Wynonna would limp her way over to the barn to let Waverly know it was okay to come out. Carry her back into the house, both of them silent until they crossed the threshold to Willa and Wynonna's room, Willa's location at the time untold. A common occurrence near the end.  
  
They would sit in the middle of the bed, Waverly pulled tight against Wynonna's front, honey held in Waverly's lap.  Waverly would dip her fingers into the jar but instead of bringing them to her own mouth, she would reach up and soothe them along a busted lip, Wynonna's tongue dragging across the remnants of her touch.     
  
It's sweet in a way unique to her baby sister.  A heavy feeling settles in her chest as the love she's always felt swells, tightening her throat.  
  
"God," Wynonna sighs between kisses, slipping a hand under Waverly's shirt to graze along the skin of her back "I love you," she murmurs, "I love you so much."  
  
Wynonna's heart skips at the sweet little whimper Waverly lets out. How, how could she possibly think of giving this up? Her stomach coils at even the notion.  
  
They spend long moments like that until Waverly gradually begins to break the kiss. She presses their lips together again and again before drawing back to skim Wynonna's nose with hers.  
  
"Mm," Waverly sucks in her bottom lip as she scratches her nails along the base of Wynonna's neck, "Give me a second?" she asks in a whisper but Wynonna stiffens when Waverly attempts to extract herself from her arms, hands involuntarily growing taut on her younger sisters waist. Apprehension washes over her. The fear must show because Waverly is quick to sink back into her front and press a tender kiss between her eyes, "It's only for a second, baby," Waverly promises, a touch of amusement in her voice.  
  
Tension slowly drains from Wynonna's shoulders. Reluctantly, she loosens the grip on Waverly's waist until she releases her completely. "Okay," Wynonna mumbles, nodding in acquiescence as she drops her hand to her thigh. She looks down and starts picking the loose strands of fabric at the hole of her jeans, still wondering if she's done something wrong.  
  
Waverly pacifies her worries with another kiss.  
  
Wynonna's gaze is hazy when Waverly finally moves away. Warily, she watches as her sister skips over to the front of the room and starts fiddling with the handle of the door. Wynonna frowns, unsure of what she could possibly be doing only for her brows shoot up at the sound of a click.  
  
Locked. Waverly had mentioned before that Gus and Curtis go to bed early on weekdays. No one will be checking in. They're alone together for the rest of the night.  
  
Her cheeks redden.  
  
The doubt and insecurities start to take a recognizable form. It's hard to act unaffected when every inch of her is wired. She flexes her fingers before holding them out in front of her. Rubs her hands together to hide the trembling. She pulls her leg back from it's extended position and shakes out the tingles as she goes to stand. Wynonna shifts her weight to her other foot and palms the back of her neck. She crosses the small distance to Waverly's bed, pausing right before her legs can touch the frame.  
  
The sight of familiar bedding causes butterflies to flutter in her stomach. It's the one thing in the room that hasn't changed. The covers are still pastel pink. Girly. Same as when Waverly was little. They've shared the same space countless times without issue but now Wynonna's mind begins to wander. She imagines herself in between her baby sisters legs. Taking Waverly again and again and again until all that's left is Wynonna's name teased out in jagged whimpers.

She shudders.

Turned on. Disgusted. Afraid.  
  
Excited.  
  
How ghoulish of a person is she?  
  
The urge to retreat is inert, coiled deep inside and yet, the shame still makes her head spin. Wynonna wonders how things could've gotten so mixed up. Her pining has aged into something reckless.  
  
A need that's reflected in hazel eyes.    
  
She turns to the poster right above a worn dresser and drags a finger along the frayed edges.  Careful. Slow. Waverly's first time will be special. Not like her own, lost in a cramp space with a boy whose name she doesn't even remember. They have time. They don't have to rush. Her desires are like a monster snapping its teeth. She cages them.  
  
"So," Wynonna clears her throat, "Science club, huh?" she squints at the chart in front of her, "Major upgrade from the baking soda volcanoes we used to make in the backyard of the Homestead."  
  
Each word is deliberate. She attempts to steer any potential conversations into safe territory. Wynonna hears Waverly behind her, the slight creak of springs, the rustle of covers. Her ears grow warm and she swallows, "Really hope you still have that poster of _Hanson_ I left with you though," she continues in a nervous ramble, "I almost got into a fist fight waiting in line to get it. You should've seen the dude in front of me, Waves, he was-"  
  
"Wynonna."  
  
Wynonna stops at the gentle call of her name. She takes a deep breath and hesitantly glances to the side to find Waverly sat on the bed, head tilted, regarding her curiously. Gaze searching, warm. Waverly bites her lip after a moment and straightens up so that her knees dig into the bedding beneath her. She reaches over to tug at Wynonna's jacket.  
  
"Don't run."    
  
Reservations start to crumble at the familiar phrase. Stiff as a board, Wynonna shifts her gait and gracelessly maneuvers herself until she's situated on the bed next to Waverly. She wipes shaky hands along the front of her jeans as she waits. There's a brief delay before Waverly moves closer until her full weight is against Wynonna's side and she urges her back so they're both laying down.    
  
Wynonna’s eyes flutter shut as soft fingers brush along her cheek reverently.  
  
"I still can't believe you're actually here," Waverly whispers with a giggle, seemingly elated by the mere prospect, "you came back to me."  
  
There's an underlying awe in Waverly's voice that shallows Wynonna's breath. Her heart starts to pound painfully as she blindly grasps for the hand at her face and closes her own around it.  
  
"Waves," Wynonna wets her mouth, already feeling awkward. The words get stuck in her throat. It takes a second for them to dislodge,  "I’m sorry for before. You know, when I said your feelings weren't real?" she pauses and takes a deep breath, “I-I didn’t mean it. I mean, well, obviously, cause, you know, I’m here..." she mumbles with a roll of her eyes before reluctantly returning her gaze to Waverly, abashed, "I'm sorry, Waverly."  
  
Waverly shifts back, clearly caught off guard by the apology, "It's..." she chews on her bottom lip in a contemplative manner before ending her response with a measured, "okay."  
  
"But it's not." Wynonna's grip tightens on Waverly's hand, "It's not, baby, " she insists with a slight shake of her head, "I shouldn't have talked to you like that," Wynonna sighs, exhausted with herself, "I shouldn't have ignored you either. It was _wrong_ of me."  
  
Hazel eyes darken as Waverly observes her silently for a few tense seconds before she sighs. She angles closer until her chin is near Wynonna's shoulder and draws up to press a quick kiss to Wynonna's jaw, "I understand why you did though," she utters faintly, nuzzling the skin there, "I get it, Wyn."  
  
Acceptance.

Pure, simple.

Beautiful.

Waverly acknowledges the flaws, the loathing and adores her all the same. It’s almost overwhelming, the loves that threatens to choke her. Wynonna shudders, dips her head to briefly brush their lips together. The kiss is soft, sweet. The urge to fall completely into Waverly and all of her warmth is potent but she doesn't allow herself to and instead inches back to gaze at Waverly with hooded eyes, "Still doesn't make it okay.”  
  
"Jeeze, Wynonna," Waverly laughs a little and sits up, pulling her hand away from Wynonna's cheek in the process. She sets her palm on the other side of Wynonna's body and partially leans over her to stare down at her fondly, "I've already forgiven you."  
  
Brows furrowing, Wynonna turns to gaze up at her and reaches over to sweep brunette strands over a bare shoulder before her fingers drift along Waverly's arm. "You always let me off way too easily, babygirl," she says quietly.  
  
"Only because you're _way_ too hard on yourself.” Pale lips lift in a half smile as Waverly reaches up to tenderly stroke along the crease in Wynonna’s brow. Her expression softens further, “I'll forgive you in all the ways you could never forgive yourself.”

Wynonna’s breath catches and the corners of her eyes start to sting as she hazily stares up at Waverly, “God, you’re so-” her voice breaks mid way. Distraught, she palms her face, overcome with emotion, “What did I do to deserve you?” she asks with a watery laugh.

Warm fingers slip between her own and gently pry her hand from its prone position until Waverly’s face comes back into view. Wynonna’s throat hitches as a gentle kiss is pressed to her knuckles before the hold adjusts so that the palm of her hand lays against Waverly’s face. She cups Waverly's cheek and brushes her thumb along the soft skin.

Waverly tilts her head in an endearing manner and gives Wynonna a sweet smile. “Everything."

Wonder quickens Wynonna's breath as this swell of need suddenly hits her, cutting through the fog. She attempts to swallow around the lump in her throat, tears in freefall.

 _No_ she thinks as she desperately urges her sister forward, almost dizzy from the love that warms her chest.

Her eyes fall close as she draws Waverly into a fervent kiss.

_Maybe it was all for this._

**x**

_but you'll never know what a fool I've been_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! First thing I want to say is once again, thank you so much for the kind comments and support. I know I sound like a broken record at this point but I really do appreciate y'all so much. When I first started writing this I figured it wouldn't get much attention cause the community was so small. I have never been so glad to be wrong before. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to update but my good old friend depression has decided to pop back up, so I'm having a hard time finding the inspiration or drive to write. I had a pretty hard time getting last chapter out as I felt like nothing I wrote was good enough, as odd as that may sound. 
> 
> Anyway, that being said, I haven't given up on this fic and I will do my very best to not disappoint any of you. We are about to head into a new chapter in our girls lives and I'm excited to explore it with all of you.
> 
> Thank you again.


	9. Darling heart, I loved you from the start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - Hardest of Hearts by Florence + The Machine

**x**

The night passes gradually, like a steady hum.

There’s a persistent pounding in Waverly’s head as her lashes flutter, vision distorting everything before her. She’s exhausted. There aren’t enough hours in the night, especially not when it's spent exchanging slow kisses until sleep could no longer be staved off. Her limbs feel heavy, her brain fogged. A blurred form sits directly in front of her. She blinks a few times to try to clear the haze from her eyes and finds Wynonna bent forward on the side of the bed. The muscle in straining arms tense and flex as Wynonna fiddles with something below her. Waverly’s ears perk when she hears the slight click of buckles and the whisk of a zipper.

Nostalgic sounds from a childhood spent with an older sister who often rushed to put on tattered sneakers or boots so she could make her way out before the sun finished rising.

Eyes hooding, Waverly unhurriedly shifts her focus to Wynonna. She visually traces the sinews of a pale back, notes how the bones that curve her sisters spine stand out from beneath the white tank top. Waverly lingers on the black line that slightly peeks from under it. Wynonna has several tattoos on various parts of her body, most of which she’s seen, but Waverly has no idea what the one on her back is of. Wynonna claims it a relic of something she'd rather not touch on. Waverly had agreed not to pry.

She closes her eyes. There are still so many things about her sister she doesn't know. She's heard rumors, yes. Biker gangs, drug dealings. A possible murder. Scandalous details, anecdotes to the adventurous life of Wynonna Earp. She wonders how much of it is true.

She wonders if anything would be able to change how she feels about Wynonna.

Would she be considered a cliche, if the circumstances were different? The cheerleader who fell in love with the town outcast, the bad girl with a heart of gold and a checkered past. It's a fun idea to speculate.

Waverly can't imagine a world or timeline where she isn’t in love with Wynonna.

The thought causes her throat to constrict and the distance soon becomes too much to bear. Waverly reaches out to nimbly run her fingers along her sisters spine, smiles at the way Wynonna stiffens and then calms beneath her touch. Their eyes meet when Wynonna hesitantly turns to her. It takes a moment but soon a grin eases Wynonna's features, lessens the hard edge that lines sharp cheekbones, makes her appear years younger.  

It’s a soft, dewy look.

Waverly's fingers curl into the fabric of Wynonna’s shirt as her heart throbs. It’s a good sort of pain, a familiar one. One she’s had for what seems like forever. Part of her wishes she had realized sooner just how deep the emotion runs. A bigger part of her, one that feels slightly guilty at the thought, is just relieved that she didn’t have to spend the years Wynonna was gone with that added layer of sorrow to contend with.

Wynonna’s hand raises and wavers for a split second before brushing back stray strands of hair from Waverly’s temple. "You sleep okay?" The question comes out in a murmur, almost as if Wynonna is taking care not to startle her. Waverly swallows around the thickness in her throat and nods, not trusting her voice just yet. She makes a faint noise, tugs lightly at the ends of the shirt. It only takes Wynonna a moment to understand what she wants.

She angles up as Wynonna leans downs and their lips meet in a feathery kiss. Heat pulses through Waverly at the careful way Wynonna goes to cradle her neck, how attentively the knuckles of her sisters hand brush along the column of her throat.  There’s a reserved quality to each movement. Cautious. Wynonna touches her like she’s precious, or perhaps made of glass and any pressure applied might cause her to crack. Splinter off into dozens of little pieces with no hope of ever being put back together again.

With an unsteady exhale, Wynonna ends the kiss. Knocks their foreheads together as her eyes fall shut. “Waves…” she mumbles as she curls her fingers around Waverly’s wrist and turns to press her mouth against the base of it, “We gotta get up, babygirl,” Wynonna sighs into her skin, nose dragging along her pulse point affectionately, “You’re going to be late for school.”

Waverly draws back at that. Her eyes narrow as she considers the bob of Wynonna’s throat, the slight quiver of a pale jaw. While she can’t deny the validity of the statement, there’s something else in Wynonna’s expression. Something that lies just beneath the surface. Waverly understands her sister well enough at this point to discern when Wynonna is keeping something to herself. She considers pushing but ultimately decides not to comment on it. Whatever it is, Waverly trusts Wynonna enough to believe that her sister will confide in her if it’s really important.  

A tired sigh escapes her, “I don’t want to go,” Waverly admits in a quiet tone as trails her fingers along Wynonna’s arm, biting her lip at the faint shivers her touch evokes, “I don’t want to be away from you.”

There’s a pensive quality to Wynonna’s responding smile, one that makes Waverly’s stomach twist up in knots. She doesn’t understand the cause of it. For a second, she worries she’s said the too much. But Wynonna’s eyes are still light, expression still open. There is no noticeable shift in the way her sister regards her. Still adoring and speculative and sad. Always so sad. Waverly hates the burden Wynonna places on herself. She longs to sweep it away.

Despite her exhaustion, Waverly forces herself into a sitting position. It takes a moment to orientate herself and Wynonna catches her around the waist as she involuntarily tips forward. She gives a smile in thanks and sags into Wynonna’s frame appreciatively, “Baby,” Waverly keeps her voice low as she nudges Wynonna’s collarbone with her nose, “What’s the matter?” she asks before pressing a tender kiss to the base of it.  

Waverly is momentarily distracted by the flush that works its way up pale cheeks. She beams at the sight of it. Is it normal to find everything involving the one you love endearing? She’d be embarrassed if she wasn’t so infatuated with the feeling.

Wynonna palms the back of her neck as she peeks over at Waverly with furrowed brows before looking down, “It’s nothing, just,” her gaze flicks up to meet Waverly’s, “Things are going to be rough, you know?” Wynonna turns a little so that more of her body is on the bed but is mindful not to dislodge Waverly.

She lowers her palm to Waverly’s thigh and starts rubbing small circles into the skin there, “We can't, you know, be as affectionate in public as we were before o-or do things like go on dates,” Wynonna's nose wrinkles as she releases a irritable huff, “which freaking sucks cause I’d _really_ like to take you out.” She pauses then and scratches her cheek, blush gradually darkening, “But, um, anyway, I-I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can’t really give you the same things that a normal, ah...” The frown deepens as Wynonna glances off to the side, “Girlfriend?” she mouths the word before repeating it out loud, “I mean, i-is that what we are, Waves? Cause I’ve never really been good at the girlfriend thing.” Wynonna runs a shaky hand down her face, “God, babe, I’m actually pretty _shit_ at the girlfriend thing but I-” she lets out a faint, bemused chuckle, “I really, _really,_ want to be good for you, Waverly.” She ducks her head a little. It takes a moment for her to speak again, “That is, uh,” blue eyes drift to the left as she swallows nervously, “I-if you even _want_ to be my girlfriend or call it that...”

Heart fluttering, Waverly has to bite her lip to keep from smiling like an idiot. There’s an innocence to the question that she never would have expected from her ‘badass’ older sister. Wynonna wants to be her girlfriend. _Girlfriend_. Such a conventional word for a relationship that is anything but. The fact that they’re even having this conversation endears Waverly to no end.

If only things were so simple. If only things were that easy.

Waverly isn’t stupid. Naively idealistic, yes. But not stupid. Never stupid. Wynonna’s fears are not all her own. Honestly, Waverly is _terrified_ of people finding out. The potential ostracization, the disgust from her peers, their _family_. Having a week to let her feelings settle had brought about a whole slew of issues to the forefront of her mind. She worries constantly. Despite how much she believes in the potential of their relationship, she worries.

Though she’s careful not to reveal too much. Even now, as Wynonna sits and patiently waits for her response, she allows nothing to show. It’s still too fresh. Wynonna still might run and she doesn’t know what she would do if her sister were to change her mind about them.

After everything that had happened last night, the possibility of this side of Wynonna forever being closed off to her causes a swell of despair so potent it makes her dizzy. She can barely fathom the thought.

Her heart aches the sight of earnest blue eyes and the glimmer of hope that lies just beyond the fringes. God, even if she wanted to, she wouldn’t be able to say anything. Not when Wynonna is looking at her like that. She _can’t_ say anything. It’s almost as if sew lines her lips and seals her mouth shut.

Waverly would bury herself before she ever gave Wynonna a reason to doubt them.

A sense of distress guides her actions. Wynonna’s thigh involuntarily ends up between Waverly’s legs as she shifts closer until she’s fully enveloped by warmth. Waverly shivers as Wynonna’s hands settle on either side of her waist, “I do want that,” she assures, soft, with an edge of desperation as she reaches over to curl trembling fingers around the back of her sisters neck, “More than anything, Wynonna,” she murmurs as she draws her palm forward so that the pads of her fingers rest on Wynonna's throat, right over the fluttering pulse, “I don’t care about any of that other stuff as long as I get to be with you.”

A wistful expression crosses Wynonna’s face at that. Shoulders ease and tension visibly drains from her body. A smile plays on the corner of her lips as she nods, almost to herself, “Yeah,” Wynonna exhales as she deliberately lays her forehead on Waverly’s shoulder, “Me too, then,” she whispers with a quiet laugh, “I just want to be with you too.”

Waverly’s eyes sting as affection tightens her chest. She blinks back tears and attempts to swallow pass the thickness in her throat.

Her tongue feels heavy, the words stick to the roof of her mouth.

Like a spoonful of honey.

“I feel like I’ve been in love with you my entire life, Wynonna, ” Waverly admits in a shaky voice, breath hitching around the knot in her throat, “I love everything about you.” She laughs a little, the sound broken and watery, “I don't think I'll ever love anyone the way I love you.” Swallowing, Waverly straightens so she can wrap an arm around Wynonna’s shoulders and palm the back of her sisters head, “So please. _Please._ Don’t ever leave me again. Stay with me forever, okay?"

Waverly’s stomach coils uneasily when she feels Wynonna stiffen beneath her. Maybe from the shock. Maybe from something else. Although it’s understandable. It’s the first time she's said ‘I love you’ in over two years. Even before Wynonna had disappeared for months on end, even when they spoke on a halfway decent schedule, the words wouldn’t leave her mouth. She couldn’t even bring herself to type them.

There’s a sour history there. One associated with loss and grief. Pain was almost always the answer. In one way or another. From her father, mother, Willa.

All representatives of neglect, abandonment and disgust.

And then there was Wynonna. Lovely, sweet, remorse filled Wynonna. Who was none of those things yet had still managed to foster that fear in her. Wynonna’s presence was fixed only in her mind. A silhouette. Intermittent. Whether voluntary or not, the end result remained the same.

Her big sister, leaving her.

Waverly screws her eyes shut when Wynonna carefully grips her arms and gently pushes her back. Her tears fall in a reckless descent. She turns her head to the side. She doesn’t want Wynonna to see.

Cool fingers brush along her cheeks then. Even though they’ve been inside for hours, Wynonna’s hands are cold against her skin.

“Waverly, look at me.” Wynonna’s voice is soft yet firm, “Look at me, baby.”

Shuddering, Waverly reluctantly opens her eyes to find Wynonna smiling up at her fondly. Her cheeks warm at the doting expression and the way calloused fingers delicately wipe away the stray tears that trail down her face.

“Jeeze,” Wynonna blows out a breath, “Looks like I’m already messing up with the relationship thing.” Her brows raise in a playful manner, “Hasn’t even been five minutes and I’ve already made my girlfriend cry.”

It’s so unexpected that Waverly can’t help but laugh. She covers her mouth as faint giggles mix in hiccups and soft whimpers. “N-not your fault, Wyn,” Waverly says with a sniffle as she wipes at her face, “S-sorry.”

Blue eyes soften considerably. Wynonna draws Waverly forward to gently cup her cheeks, “You don’t have to apologize for something like this, babygirl, I just-” Wynonna swallows before releasing an airy chuckle, “ _really_ hope you’re a fan of bad puns and crass humor.” She smiles then, nervous, “Cause now that I have you, I’m never letting you go.” Wynonna  brushes their noses together, “Okay, baby?” she murmurs sweetly, “Never again. I’m not going anywhere without you, Waves. You’re stuck with me. Forever.”

A flood of affection washes over the ache in Waverly’s heart. She hiccups, cheeks warming further as what Wynonna said starts to sink in. It’s meaningful in a way she can’t exactly explain. She doesn’t have the words for it. Waverly leans down to gingerly press their lips together, fingers her trailing along the sides of Wynonna’s face tenderly. It’s everything she’s ever wanted.

Or maybe it’s more.

**x**

The weeks bleed into one another until there is no real distinction between days. There’s a hectic quality to the passage of time during which several things happen all at once.

Oddly, Gus and Curtis never say anything about her spending time with Wynonna. She had thought given how things had ended the night Wynonna had been kicked out that they would be more restrictive. But no.

The day after she and Wynonna get together, Waverly nervously but resolutely announces her plans to stay at her sisters place during the weekend.

Gus opens her mouth to speak but falters when Curtis gives her a quiet look and subtly shakes his head. She glances down and tells Waverly to make sure she's home by Sunday night.

It's weird but Waverly is smart enough to not comment on it.

**x**

Waverly breaks it off with Champ. He takes it like he’s taken everything in their would be relationship: calm, easy, nonchalant. He waves her off when she goes to further explain and they end on a shoulder pat and a nod. Waverly wonders if she should feel more hurt at his apathy but her worry about how her friends will take the news draws her focus away. Her concerns prove to be short lived. By the time the rumor mills catches hold, the truth of the encounter is lost. Dozens of retellings will often do that.

‘Champ Hardy broke up Waverly Earp because she wouldn’t put out’ becomes the official headline. Champ texts before she thinks to and assures her he didn’t start it but honestly, she’s relieved. It paints a more advantageous picture. Her friends greet her with words of sympathy and compassion. Even Stephanie agrees that giving it up after a week and a half would have been a bit much. On the flip side, Champs friends cheer him on for the wicked display of masculinity.

It works out better for both of them.

**x**

Despite her friends initial understanding, Waverly is mindful of how these things can change at a drop of a hat. She meticulously balances her schedule to ensure that she makes equal time for her friends, family and Wynonna because as much as she longs to just fall into her sister completely, she knows she can’t. Not anymore at least. Not when they’re together.

That image of normality has never been so necessary. She hangs out with her friends, she goes to parties, she smiles and is kind and gets good grades and is so nauseatingly perfect that it makes her sick.

Still, it’s worth it. Those evenings where she’s alone with Wynonna in the older girls apartment, exchanging sweet kisses until they’re forced to part. To have Wynonna like this, her Wynonna, all to herself -

It’s worth it.

So Waverly passively accepts the part society compels her to play; slips into it with a sort of quiet resolution, winces at the sharp corners, ignores how it cut into her skin with each gesture she fakes.

Completely unaware of the tiny fissures that start to rupture along the edges of her porcelain mask.

**x**

_but that's no excuse for the state I'm in_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! I'M SO SORRY FOR HOW LATE THIS WAS. I love you guys and I hope you all are still reading. Depression slump active but slowly working through the chapters. 
> 
> Also, I'm thinking of writing another fic. G!P Alpha/Omega Wyn/Wave 👀 thoughts?


	10. I’ll let you in on something big

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title - White Teeth Teens by Lorde

**x**

Waverly can taste desperation on her tongue. 

The aged oak of whiskey, a hint of smoke. All with an underlying of something sweet. Heady _. _  Intoxicating. Wynonna feels so good against her. Soft but solid. Firm. Perfect. So perfect. Waverly can't get enough. Curved metal cools heated skin as trembling fingers sweep along her stomach. Unsteady exhales. They never part for longer than a few seconds, trying to take in as much air as they can between kisses. 

A haze washes over her. 

She catches Wynonna’s hands and places them on her spread thighs. Holds them there for a second until she’s sure Wynonna has gotten the hint before letting go to wrap her arms around her sisters neck once more. She shivers when Wynonna grips her tight and pulls her close, so close that her panties press against the buckle of Wynonna’s jeans. She sighs at the feeling, melts into her sisters frame. Being with Wynonna like this makes her ridiculously happy. Waverly would have never imagined herself in this position a year prior but now she can’t see herself with anyone else. The idea of it is terribly unappealing.

There’s absolutely nothing she wants more than this. 

Waverly wishes they were wearing less clothing. It’s an embarrassing thought, but right now, the image of her sisters naked skin sliding against hers causes a wave of heat so potent that it makes her dizzy. 

She draws Wynonna’s bottom lip into her mouth, bites down gently, swallows the moan that comes as a result of it. Her hips grind into Wynonna’s in a subtle, almost discreet way. It’s not enough to get off but any sort of friction feels good. She’s careful not to push too far. Go too fast. Whether it’s Waverly on her back with Wynonna weight on top of her or Waverly pressed snugly in her sisters lap, it never goes further than this. Reckless kisses that leave Waverly aching for more, an ache that lingers for hours until she can finally go home and ease it.

Alone.

The sexual aspects of their relationship are stifled. Stilled. In a freefall without a clear way to stop the descent. Wynonna does well to quell the chaos in her mind but there’s this one insecurity that can’t help but grow each passing day. A seed of doubt that had unintentionally been planted as they slowly began to learn how to navigate this new space in their relationship. 

A sign that maybe, just  _ maybe, _ Wynonna doesn’t want this as much as she does. 

When she feels Wynonna start to pull away, Waverly chases after the contact, drags her sister back into her, leaves no room for escape. Because that’s what it is to her. An escape. 

And as absurd as it sounds, Waverly can’t help but blame herself. 

She once again considers what the differences in their ages fully entails. Waverly knows Wynonna is experienced. She’s heard the rumors, has seen her sister pressed against various men in her youth. Never intentionally, but at random. Stumbling across the scene by chance. She’d be at the Mall with her friends, or in town with Gus and she’d catch a glimpse of her sister from the corner of her eye. The happiness at getting to see Wynonna would almost always dissipate when she would notice the presence looming to the side and would become painfully aware of the greedy hands grabbing at her sister, pulling Wynonna closer, obvious in their intent. 

Something rotten lurches in her stomach at the memory. She swallows back the bile that rises in her throat as she shuts her eyes against the onslaught. Waverly fights to keep her touch gentle as she carefully trails her fingers down Wynonna’s cheek. 

Those men-

Those, shady, off putting, gangly  _ men _ gave Wynonna something she couldn’t at the time. Something Wynonna would have never asked for from her.

Something Wynonna  _ still  _ didn’t ask for. 

No, not her, not from the baby sister she worked so hard to keep safe, even at the expense of their relationship.

She’s taken back to that moment when she was 15, overhearing the older girls on the cheer squad discuss how pushy their boyfriends could be. How needy. How much they wanted them. 

Other than that time in Wynonna’s bedroom right before she realized the depth of her feelings, Wynonna hasn’t made any move towards furthering things. Her sister seems content with holding hands, kissing, laying around to watch movies together. Simple things. Things that are important, yes, but still...Wynonna doesn’t even seem remotely interested in sex with her. But why would she? After all, what could Waverly, a 16 year old virgin, really offer?

A laugh draws Waverly out from her spiral.

Wynonna smiles as she reaches up to grip her wrist, stilling her actions, “Waves,” she mumbles against her lips, “I gotta get ready for work.”

_ Why do you always have an excuse to stop?  _ The thought comes suddenly. Embittered. Unchecked. Waverly falls back in Wynonna’s lap with a frown, gaze drifting as she lowers her hands to her sister's shoulders. Her stomach curls as she chews on her bottom lip and works to rearrange her features to keep the frustration from showing. 

The disappointment must still be apparent because Wynonna’s expression gradually shifts to one of remorse. Wynonna palms the back of her neck, blue eyes lowering sheepishly, “I’m sorry, babygirl,” she sighs as her hand drops and she adjusts her form so she’s sitting up properly before reaching over to tenderly brush her knuckles against Waverly’s cheek, “I’ll make it up to you, okay?” she promises softly.

Guilt twists in Waverly’s stomach at her sisters words. She hates how her insecurities play so easily across her face, hates how easily Wynonna can read her in the moments she so desperately wishes to be concealed. But most of all, Waverly hates how she can’t just let things be. How her mind lingers on this unspoken point of contention between them.  

Inhaling shakily, she leans into the touch and presses firmly to Wynonna’s front as she drapes her arms around her sisters neck. 

Waverly forces the doubt back into those dark corners lined with sharp objects as she sets their foreheads together, “It’s fine, baby,” she whispers, eyes fluttering shut as she brushes her nose along Wynonna’s, “It’s okay,” Waverly runs the pads of her fingers along the back of her sisters neck in a soothing manner before untangling their limbs so she can lift herself off of Wynonna’s lap. She falls into the couch, immediately curling up into her side. Grips at a cushion and holds it close to her face, “You don’t have to,” is her muffled response. 

Wynonna doesn’t answer right away. From the corner of her eye, Waverly notes how dark brows knit together in what she is assuming is contemplation. 

Throat bobbing, Wynonna inclines forward after a moment so that she’s hovering over Waverly’s prone form and carefully palms the side of Waverly’s thigh, “Still love me?”

Though it’s asked casually, Waverly can hear a slight quiver in Wynonna’s voice. Catches the nervous quality of it. The irritation ticks away until all that is left is the adoration she always feels.  Her eyes hood as she lowers the pillow to peer up at her sister reverently, “More than anything, Wynonna, ” she softly assures.

Wynonna eases back at her answer, eyes dark but open as she gives Waverly a easy smile, “I love you too,” she whispers before biting her lip. Pale fingers spread along Waverly’s thigh as Wynonna starts to rubs small circles into the skin there, “I’ll try to get off early today. Maybe we can get something to eat after and come back here, yeah? Watch a movie,” Wynonna pauses as if remembering something and then smirks, “ _ Twilight  _ marathon?”

Red tints Waverly’s cheeks at the suggestion, “Oh, shut up,” she rolls her eyes even as the corners of her mouth twitch up into a smile, “That was  _ one  _ time, Wynonna. I was 12.” Waverly takes the cushion and tosses it at her sister's face, who just grabs it and laughs in response. 

“You made me stay up!” Wynonna heaves an exaggerated sigh, her voice taking on an undertone of amusement, “Every time I was about to pass out, you’d shake me like ‘Oh, it’s about to get to the good part, Wyn!’ and I just kept thinking, ‘What, the end credits?’”

Waverly scowls as she shoots Wynonna a withering glare, “You could’ve just gone home if you disliked it so much,” she grumbles and crosses her arms, simultaneously embarrassed and annoyed by her older sister’s teasing. Back then she considered any time she got to spend with Wynonna as precious, no matter what they were doing. Waverly can’t help but feel a bit hurt at her sisters blasé retelling.

Though the hurt doesn’t have time to settle. Wynonna’s grins softens into an affectionate smile as she reaches over to uncross Waverly’s arms, “Why would I have done that?” she ducks her head in an attempt to catch Waverly’s eye, “You let me hold you the entire night. I would’ve sat through re-runs of freaking  _ Barney _ if it meant having you in my arms for just a little longer.”

A lump starts to form in Waverly’s throat at that. It’s an unexpected kind of sweetness. Wynonna has been giving her more of that lately. Showing this open, sappy version of herself. So different from how she was even a few weeks ago.

Sometimes it seems as though nothing has changed between them. They slip into these moments of sibling camaraderie, poking fun at each other with gentle teasings until one or both of them break into a fit of giggles. Wynonna acts very much like the older sister that exists in her memories. Silly, funny. A bit of a dick. It’s comforting, in a way. Knowing that that aspect of their relationship hasn’t changed. But then there are these moments where Wynonna is so overwhelmingly sweet that Waverly can’t ever imagine going back to how things were before.

Tears prick the corners of Waverly’s eyes as she thinks about how in love she is. 

“God,” she sucks in her bottom lip and sits up so that she’s facing her sister fully, “That’s not fair, Wyn,” Waverly murmurs as she grips Wynonna’s shirt and gently tugs, “How can you expect me to let you leave after you say something like that?” 

Waverly doesn’t give Wynonna the chance to answer as she presses their lips together in a slow, deliberate kiss. Wynonna sinks into her immediately, mouth opening in a sigh as Waverly’s brushes their tongues together. Butterflies replace the uncomfortable tightening in Waverly’s stomach and her worries from earlier fade into a dull throb.

She inches back, eyes hooding as she licks at her lips, “Go,” Waverly flattens her palm against a racing heart and smiles as she gently pushes at Wynonna’s chest, “I’ll be here.”

Wynonna grabs at the hand and curls her fingers around it, holding it there. She gives Waverly a meaningful look, all soft around the edges, before slowly leaning forward to drop a sweet kiss to Waverly’s mouth. 

“I’ll be back in a few,” Wynonna promises with a squeeze of her hand before hopping up off the couch, practically bounding through the room with an adorable level of excitement. Warmth grows in Waverly’s chest as she watches Wynonna’s sporadic movements with an affectionate smile before looking over at the coffee table with a frown when she hears a faint buzzing. Waverly snatches up her phone at the fifth vibrate and unlocks it as she falls forward so her stomach is resting flat on the couch. 

**RACHEL**

_ Ugh, Halloween party might be a bust. Dad said that since Mom is out of town, he’s going to stay home for once 🙄- 11:13AM _

**SONJA**

_ You can’t convince him to go out for the night? - 11:13AM _

**RACHEL**

_ Uh yeah and what exactly should I say? “Daddy I really think you should go out so you can really immerse yourself in the holiday spirit.”  Totally not suspicious at all - 11:14AM _

_ Great idea, Sonj  - 11:14AM _

**SONJA**

_ Honestly, Rachel, I didn’t expect your excuse to be that fucking stupid but if that’s the best idea you can come up with 🤷 - 11:14AM _

_ Good thing laying on your back doesn’t involve complex thought  - 11:15AM _

 

Waverly snorts and shakes her head at that.

 

**CHRISSY**

_ LOL  - 11:15AM _

**RACHEL**

_ lmaooo suck you Sonj - 11:15AM _

**SONJA**

_ The only sucking I’m doing is on Bobby’s thick dick 😈   - 11:16AM _

**RACHEL**

_ Fuck* fuck. Get your mind out of the gutter, slut! LOL  - 11:17AM _   
  


**SONJA**

_ I am what your ‘daddy’ makes me 😂   - 11:17AM _

**RACHEL**

_ DUDE GROSS. - 11:17AM _

**CHRISSY**

_ Welp 👀- 11:18AM _

**STEPHANIE**

_ mmkay can we just like figure out what we're going to do for Halloween?  - 11:19AM _

_ i'm not going to end up staying home like some loser.  - 11:19AM _

_ no offense waves - 11:19AM _

The jab comes out of nowhere and sours her mood. Waverly narrows her eyes as she bites her lip hard enough to hurt. She starts typing out a scathing reply, one letter at a time before deleting the sentence after reading it back in her head. 

“It’s not worth it,” Waverly mumbles to herself, shoulders falling. There was no point in striking back. She’s the ‘nice girl’ of the group. She often has to swallow her pride in order to maintain that persona. It works for her. 

The other, well…

They don’t have the same concerns.

**CHRISSY**

_ lol uhh didn’t you stay home last year steph? - 11:22AM _

**RACHEL**

_ Right? Wavey actually went out with us. Guess the only loser in the room is you 👀 - 11:22AM _

**STEPHANIE**

_ I was sick  - 11:23AM _

**SONJA**

_ You was a hoe - 11:23AM _

_ Or are we just going to act like you didn't tell us you were recovering from that little stint of gonorrhea you got from Brad lol  - 11:23AM _

_ Or was it Cody? - 11:24AM _

_ Carson? LOL whore it up a bit more, why don’t you 😂 - 11:24AM _

**CHRISSY**

_ lmaooo😂😂 - 11:22AM _

**STEPHANIE**

_ whatever like your one to talk - 11:28AM _

_ At least I didn't sleep with my math tutor and all 17 of his friends 👀 - 11:28AM _

**SONJA**

_ How did you get 17 from 3? - 11:28AM _

_ Maybe I’ll give you Zach’s number, seems like you could use it more than me hahaha- 11:29AM _

**STEPHANIE**

_ It’s called hyperbole, fuckface, maybe you should've invested in an English tutor instead - 11:29AM _

**SONJA**

_ You used the wrong ‘you’re’ earlier, stupid - 11:29AM _

**CHRISSY**

_ YOOO I’m fucking dead lmfaoooo -11:30AM _

**RACHEL**

_ LMFAO - 11:30AM _

**STEPHANIE**

_ I’m already sick of y’all LOL -11:30AM _

**RACHEL**

_ Lmaooo you love us - 11:30AM _

_ Costume shopping anyone? 😈 - 1:31AM _

**SONJA**

_ Let's do it at 1, I have a nail appointment at 12:20 - 11:31AM _

**RACHEL**

_ Sounds gucci  - 11:31AM _

**STEPHANIE**

_ I’m in - 11:31AM _

**WAVERLY**

_ Okay - 11:32AM _

**CHRISSY**

_ Wave, want me to pick you up? We can hang out at my place until it’s time to go - 11:32AM _

**WAVERLY**

_ Yes, please - 11:32AM _

Waverly quickly exits the group chat and clicks on Chrissy’s name to message her privately, too antsy to deal with the possible mocking she’d have to endure if she were to tell them she’s at Wynonna’s. 

After she hits send, Waverly drops her phone next to her and turns inward on the couch, suddenly feeling exhausted. Her friends are a handful. Waverly dreads the prospect of spending time with them. Have they always been this draining or is this something she’s just started noticing recently? 

She’s running on fumes. Waverly wonders what will happen when she finally hits empty. 

Blinking, she glances up when she feels cool fingers run through her hair. Her lashes flutter as a feeling of calm washes over her. 

“You okay, babygirl?” Wynonna murmurs from above her. Waverly’s lips twitch up into a small smile and she raises up a little to rest her forearm on Wynonna’s thigh from where she’s sits on the handle of the couch. 

“Yep,” Waverly tilts her head, “Always.”

Wynonna’s brow rises at that. Her gaze shifts momentarily, as if she’s considering how to respond. In the end, she says nothing to refute Waverly’s claim and instead she leans over to press a kiss the top of Waverly’s head, “Okay, sweetheart,” Wynonna hums as she goes to cradle the back of Waverly’s neck and urge her close. She slowly trails kisses along Waverly’s face, grinning at the small hitch in Waverly’s throat, until their lips meet. She draws back with a smile, eyes soft and adoring as she draws her fingers through Waverly’s hair , “C’mon, baby, I’ll take you home.”

“Mm,” Waverly lets the warmth of her sisters touch ease her nerves, “Chrissy is actually going to come get me.” She pushes forward to kiss Wynonna on the cheek before sitting up properly. “We’re going shopping for our Halloween costumes at 1 today,” she says as she bends down to grab her shoes. Waverly stands when she finishes and circles around the couch so that she’s facing Wynonna. Biting her lip, she reaches over to link their fingers.

Wynonna makes a face, “You’re hanging out with those demonic harpies again?” 

Waverly giggles and squeezes Wynonna’s palm, “They’re my friends.”

“They’re  _ evil, _ ” Wynonna’s other hand flails out as if to emphasize her point, _ “ _ Bitchy, condescending,” she gently pulls Waverly closer to her, “So annoying.” Wynonna shudders, smirk teasing the sides of her mouth, “The  _ absolute _ worst, Waves. I’m having flashbacks to High School. Quick, hand me my whiskey and then knock me over the head with the empty bottle so I can forget.”

“You’re  _ absolutely _ ridiculous,” Waverly says with a smile as she releases Wynonna’s hand to wrap her arms around her sisters neck.

Wynonna snorts and lowers her palms to Waverly’s hips, “Ridiculously witty.”

“Mm, Jury’s still out on that one, hun,” Waverly leans over to give Wynonna a quick kiss before nudging their noses together sweetly, “You gonna miss me today?”

All hints mirth disappear from Wynonna’s face as blue eyes soften, “You know I am.”

“Say it.”

Wynonna draws her even closer, arms circling Waverly’s waist completely, “I’ll miss you, babygirl. I always miss you.”

Waverly beams, her heart aflutter, “I always miss you too,” she whispers as she hugs Wynonna tightly to her. It’s a reiteration of a declaration made before, though nice to hear nonetheless. Nice to _ say _ . She settles into the embrace easily, heartbeat steady as she soaks in her sisters warmth.

Maybe some of her fears are unfounded. 

Little fabrications in her head, eating away at her, slowly making their way to the surface.

**x**

“Are you done yet, Wavey?”

“Just a second!” Waverly yells behind her before hesitantly returning her gaze to the mirror adjacent to the changing stall. She purses her lips as she eyes herself, turning on her side to see how much of her ass shows from beneath the short skirt. She’s used to showing skin but even this seems a bit...much. For her at least. Compared to Steph and Sonja’s outfits, ‘slutty maid girl’ as Rachel so aptly named, is tame in contrast. 

Waverly considers what kind of makeup would pair well with the black and white lace satin that lines her body. Should she wear her hair curled or straight? What jewelry would compliment her outfit? 

What can she do to make sure she looks perfect?

She jumps a little when there’s a slam on the changing room door. 

“Come  _ on _ , Waverly,” Stephanie grouses irritably, knocking harder on the door, “You’ve been in there for, like, ten minutes. What’s taking so long? You know, it doesn’t matter how long you stare, your boobs are still going to be a B cup when you come out.”

Waverly rolls her eyes at the comment. It’s like Steph can’t help herself sometimes. She gives one last cursory look in the mirror before stepping away. Waverly opens the door mid knock and gives the girls a small smile, “Sorry.”

“Took long enough,” Stephanie responds with a huff as she moves back so that Waverly can get through the doorway. She crosses her arms as she looks Waverly up and down, brow ticking up before she glances off to the side with a quiet ‘hm.’

Stephanie isn’t the only one who has a visible reaction. Sonja scans Waverly’s form carefully from where she’s sitting before she lets out a low whistle, “Damn, Wave,” the corners of her mouth lift in a smirk, “Looking good.”

“Really?” Waverly questions as she grips at the ends of the very tight corset she’s wearing only to stop when there’s no give at her pull. She rocks back on the heels of her bare foot nervously as she waits for the rest of her friends responses. 

“Hell, yeah, Wavey,” Rachel giggles as she skips over to Waverly to place bunny ears atop her head, “You look super fine.” Dark brows waggle as she adjusts the headband playfully “Capital F for  _ fucking  _ hot.”

Chrissy grins as she comes up on Waverly’s other side, “Definitely smoking, Wave,” she runs her hands along Waverly’s side and gives her backside a friendly pat, “The boys are going to be _ all  _ over you.”

Waverly’s nose wrinkles at that. It’s an unappealing thought, almost enough to make her turn around and take the outfit off. Instead, she sighs and lowers her eyes demurely. 

An act.  

“I don’t know if I’m ready for all that, guys,” she wrings her hands out in front of her, “Champ and I  _ just  _ broke up.” 

If nothing else, her non relationship with Champ is good for at least this.

There’s a brief murmur at her words. 

Sonja is the first to break the silence by clearing her throat, “We know, sweetie, but we think it’d be good for you. Champ is just one guy,” her gaze flickers before she tilts her head with a frown, “Besides, you have to start working on fixing your rep, Wave. Moping for this long-” Sonja clicks her tongue, “Not a good look, babe.” 

“Yeah, Wavey,” Rachel rubs her arm lightly, “You know what they say. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” a trace of amusement colors her tone, “So to speak. Virgin and all.”

“Though you may want to change that, Waves.” A smirk teases the sides of Stephanie’s mouth, “Champ would flip if he sees you with a new piece of eye candy,” she holds up her phone with a wave of her wrist, “we could have pics of you with a hunk flooding Facebook before Halloween night is up. Can’t have people thinking you’re one of those sad girls who spends their life pining over an asshole.” Stephanie pauses before releasing a callous cackle, “Oh wait, isn’t that how you are with Wynonna?”

It takes all of Waverly’s strength to keep from flinching at the comments. She fights to keep her face blank even as red creeps up her cheeks, anger and humiliation constricting her breathing. No matter what she does or how hard she tries, it always comes back to this. She does everything she can to hold on. Breaks herself over and over again, always,  _ always _ -

But it’s never enough.  _ She’s  _ never enough for anybody. Never safe from her friends sardonic natures, from Wynonna’s apathetic responses to her advances.

The threat of abandonment is pervasive.  

Waverly feels something inside her fracture. Maybe from the stress, maybe from the shame. So close to crippling but not quite there yet. She bares her teeth, a distorted version of a veiled smile and does something unexpected. 

She laughs.

Full body, complete and encompassing. Waverly holds her stomach as giggles fall from her lips in an almost violent manner. The other girls regard her warily, expressions ranging from surprise to unease at the sudden crack in her demeanor. She turns away, still chuckling as she walks back to the changing room, leaden steps and stops in front of the mirror. Waverly places her hands on her hips as she observes herself with a empty stare. 

_ Everything is meaningless. _ She tilts her head.  _ Pitiful.  _ Places her finger right where her mirrored eyes reflect. 

Hollow. 

She glances over her shoulder when a warm hand settle there. Waverly meets Chrissy’s concerned gaze with an idle smile. 

“I do look hot,” she says absently, detering any attempts at comfort before they come, “I’ll wear this when we go out. We’ll be the hottest girls there. Who wouldn’t want to fuck us, right?” Waverly calls out, voice airy and dreamlike as she brushes off the hold on her shoulder and runs the same palm back through her hair. 

“Now, what kind of accessories should I pick?”

Trepidation comes with superficial smiles and cagey suggestions. 

Waverly stares blankly in the mirror as her mind splinters off.

**x**

**WAVERLY**

_ Feeling really tired -  4:18PM _

_ Raincheck on movie night? - 4:18PM _

**WYNONNA**

_ Aww, no  _ _ Twilight  _ _ marathon? I’m so disappointed...- 4:19PM _

_ Lol so do you still want to come over? - 4:23PM _

_ We can just hang out and talk - 4:23PM _

**WAVERLY**

_ I’d probably just fall asleep as soon as I got there. It’d be really boring for you - 4:31PM _

**WYNONNA**

_ I’m never bored when I’m with you, Waverly - 4:32PM _

**WAVERLY**

_ Next time, okay? - 5:14PM _

**WYNONNA**

_ Sure, baby - 5:29PM _

_ Whatever you want - 5:29PM _

_ Did you have fun with Satan's disciples? - 5:47PM _

**WAVERLY**

_ Mhm - 7:08PM _

_ I’m going to lay down now, Wyn - 7:08PM _

_ I love you - 7:13PM _

**WYNONNA**

_ Love you back - 7:13PM _

_ You sure you’re okay, babygirl? - 7:15PM _

_ Guess you fell asleep - 7:40PM _

_ Night, Waves  - 7:58PM _

Wynonna tosses the phone with a sigh, falling back into her bed with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a sense of foreboding in her head.

**x**

_ I’m not a white teeth teen.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's hoping we get a season 4!! Sorry it took me so long to bring this out but I hope that if there is still anyone reading, you share your thoughts in the comments below. All love and respect, peeps.


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